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Live Count: The Definitive ‘Minx’ vs. ‘Euphoria’ Penis Tracker

All season long, we’ll be comparing the dick count in ‘Minx’ to its equivalent episode in ‘Euphoria.’ And this week, ‘Minx’ Episode 1 just absolutely blows ‘Euphoria’ out of the water

Updated on 4/14/2022

It wouldn’t be an HBO show if we didn’t get to see at least one dick. 

The pay-cable network outdid itself recently with the first two seasons of Euphoria, tallying up over 100 dicks across the series, 71 of which are in the first season alone. And now, only a few weeks after the Euphoria Season Two finale, HBO is apparently ready to beat its own dick-count record again, this time with the new show, Minx. 

Minx follows the creation of a fictional women’s magazine of the same name (a la Playgirl) that combines feminist discourse with a particularly titulating (dickulating?) hook — tons of hog. In fact, Yahoo! News reports that the show is “marked by more full-frontal male nudity than you’re likely to find anywhere this side of Pornhub.”

That’s a pretty bold claim — one I’m determined to test. Throughout the series, which airs Thursdays on HBO Max beginning March 17th, I’ll be keeping track of precisely how many cocks we see on screen. Can Minx really beat out Euphoria? We’ll see. 

Episode One: ‘Minx’

Cock Count: 33

Before the show unleashes the schlongs, it gives us some breasts as an appetizer. We catch sight of some bare boobies around 13 minutes and 50 seconds into the series, then full-frontal female nudity at 15 minutes and 20 seconds. Amazingly, for all that dick talk, it takes a full 20 and a half minutes before the first one is shown. But once the dicks start flowing, the show goes, well, hole hog. Case in point: Over the course of one minute, we see a total of 32 dicks. 

From there, we only see one more dick for the remainder of the first episode, though we get to see it on two different occasions. 

Along those lines, it’s possible that some of the other dicks we see are repeats. During that minute-long montage of sausage, we see some men’s dicks close-up and some men’s full bodies, and it appears as though some may have been one in the same. However, we still see 32 dick-shots, and the effect is very much that of seeing 32 separate cocks. 

For that reason, I’m placing the first episode total at 33. That’s a heck of a lot more than Euphoria’s first episode, which only had five dicks; that said, it’s far below Euphoria’s single-episode record of 36. Still, it’s a damn promising start.

Overall Dong Tally: Minx 33, Euphoria 5

Episode Two: ‘Au Revoir, Le Double Dong’

Cock Count: 1

Not surprisingly given the episode title, “Au Revoir, Le Double Dong” is filled with dildos and vibrators as opposed to actual dongs. We catch our first peek early in the episode, around two and a half minutes in, in a set of proofs for the photos that will become the centerfold of the magazine. Six minutes later, we see the chosen centerfold picture — a reclined Taylor Zakhar Perez in fireman gear with a tastefully flaccid dick — a bit closer. We see it one last time 20 minutes after that. 

But because it’s the same dick in the same photo, it only counts for one dick. It’s also a dick we already saw in the previous episode, but still. Considering the amount of dong in Episode One, this was a bit disappointing. It also provided a big catch-up opportunity for Euphoria, which featured 27 dicks in its second episode.

Overall Dong Tally: Minx 34, Euphoria 32

Episode Three: ‘Norman Mailer, Samantha Shortcake’

Cock Count: 6

Episode Three continues the tamer trend. Eighteen minutes in, we see a “game” that might be included in the issue, called “Match the Man to the Member.” It shows five faces, and five pictures of their dicks. The reader’s job, of course, is to try to properly pair the dick with its owner. Seven minutes later, we get a good look at the centerfold image again. So, no live dicks in this episode, but six printed ones isn’t too bad, I guess. It was Euphoria’s third episode, however, that broke the televised dick record with 36 cocks, putting it way ahead of Minx at this point.

Overall Dong Tally: Euphoria 68, Minx 40 

Episode Four: ‘An Exciting New Chapter in the Annals of Erotica’

Cock Count: 6

After two episodes of only dick photos, it’s high time for some hog in the flesh. Ever the tease, Minx takes its time to deliver. At 9:40, we see the centerfold again. (Yawn.) But in the last few minutes of the episode, we’re given a gift: four naked firemen showering. At the last moment, we see the subject of the centerfold take a long walk toward the camera, his flaccid dick swinging from start to finish. 

Because of the emphasis given to the dick in this moment, I’m going to count it as its own dick, despite the fact that we saw it in the centerfold earlier in the episode. It’s in a totally different environment and in action, so it really ought to count for something. Episode Four of Euphoria also took a bit of a cock break with only one appearing, providing an opportunity for Minx to (kinda) close the gap.

Overall Dong Tally: Euphoria 69, Minx 46

Episode Five: ‘Relaying News of a Wayward Snake’

Cock Count: 1

After the completion of their first issue, it’s time again for Minx to begin shooting for their second. This episode does away with the casting scene at the beginning, which, unfortunately, really limits the overall number of dicks. But it does cut right to the “enormous, almost too big” cock of their chosen coverboy. We see him first at the 10-minute mark completely nude, and then again for several more minutes at 21:30. Since it’s the same man in the same context (shooting for the magazine), it all only counts for one dick. But lemme tell ya, it’s a good one.

Overall Dong Tally: Euphoria 70, Minx 47

Episode Six: ‘Mary Had a Little Hysterectomy’ 

Cock Count: 2

Two is an extremely generous cock count here. At 1:40, we see the centerfold of the first issue that we’ve already seen something like a dozen times before. Still, it’s a new episode, it’s a penis and it counts. At 13:50, we catch the briefest glimpse of another dick as Minx’s photographer enjoys an off-duty session photographing some men he met at a bar. Two minutes later, we see the centerfold again. Overall: Boooooring. 

Overall Dong Tally: Euphoria 70, Minx 49

Episode Seven: ‘God Save the Queen of Dicks’

Cock Count: 1

Despite this episode having “dicks” right there in the title, only one cock appears. It isn’t very exciting either, as it’s just a printed photo in the magazine, 27 minutes in. The only saving grace for Minx is that Episode Seven of Euphoria had a sole dick, too, so the differential between the two series remains unchanged. 

Overall Dong Tally: Euphoria 71, Minx 50

Episode Eight: ‘Oh So You’re the Sun Now? You’re the Giver of Life?’

Cock Count: 0

Are you freaking kidding me? Not one dong? It’s like, what do they think I’m here for? Again, the silver lining is that Episode Eight of Euphoria was no more phallically exciting, as it also had zero dicks. Maybe unfairly, too, Euphoria ended its first season at this point, while we still have two episodes to go for Minx. Can it catch up, dropping in more than 20 peens over the course of them? I have high hopes, but I fear I shouldn’t!

Overall Dong Tally: Euphoria 71, Minx 50

Episode Nine: ‘A Scintillating Conversation About a Lethal Pesticide’

Cock Count: 1

That last episode was so tame, it was almost a devastating blow to a show said to be so abundant with dick. Minx seems to have known that, however, and upped its game in Episode Nine. While there weren’t many hogs, the one we do see at the 15:30 mark has a special twist: It’s erect. This really ups the game, because although Euphoria did show photos of erect penises, they never showed one attached to a living, breathing person. I’d give this boner extra points if I could, but let’s not overcomplicate things. One dick is one dick, hard or flaccid. 

Overall Dong Tally: Euphoria 71, Minx 51

Episode 10: ‘You Happened to Me’

Cock Count: 2

The season finale starts off strong, taking things up a notch once more. Only a minute into the episode, we see not only a hard dick, but a hard dick being stroked. We see it close enough that the urethral opening is visible. Pretty neat! And less than 30 seconds later, we see the hard dick of the prior episode, printed as the centerfold for the next issue of the magazine. But then, nothing else, bringing a very dick-less close to Season One of Minx. 

Overall Dong Tally: Euphoria 71, Minx 53

Some Final Thoughts: Did Minx Really Go Whole Hog?

I’d have to say not really. Despite all the speculation about Minx having more dick than Euphoria, the final dong tally wasn’t that close, with Euphoria sporting 18 more penises than Minx. In fairness, Minx did have that erection and that glimpse of the urethral opening. So maybe, if HBO Max renews the series for a second season, it will continue to innovate in that way. But for now, Euphoria is still the official dick king of TV.