It seems that almost daily, the rules of male aesthetic sluttiness are shifting. As such, you may have several questions as we head into our prime slut months. The shorts are short, but the sleeves are long? Fanny pack, or tote bag? Does having your ankles exposed scream “whore” in just the right way?
But fear not. I’ve compiled a head-to-toe guide to help you maintain proper hussy status, all summer long.
Hats and Hair
Nearly any hat besides the traditional baseball cap screams “skank.” Why the fuck are you wearing a beanie in the summer? Everyone knows it’s because you think you look cool, which is a slutty trait. I’d recommend skipping the beanie, however, because it’s just downright impractical. The best hat for summer sluts has got to be the trucker hat — it’s functional, keeping the sun out of your face, while still aligning with Y2K trends. It’s a very Ashton Kutcher Punk’d vibe. I imagine he was a big slut back then.
Hair wise, there’s tons of flexibility. But if you want to be at your prime sluttiness, you’ve gotta go for either that Kutcher kind of shaggy hair (the longer the better), or you should shave your head and get a head tattoo.
Shirts
With shirts, there’s a polarity of sluttiness: You either have to go really small, or really big. For “small” shirts, your options range from crop tops, tight little ringer tees, or of course, the tank top. The white undershirt style tank was basically made to be ripped off. Alternatively, you can go “big” by choosing an oversized fit. As I reported previously, wearing a shirt with T-shirt length sleeves that extend below the elbow is real slut behavior. A shirt that’s too large begs others to wonder what it is you’re hiding under all that fabric. It makes you mysterious, and mystery is sexy, and being sexy makes you a slut.
Bottoms
Like with shirts, you’ve gotta pick between going either really big or really small. And so, your choice is either tiny shorts, or ankle-grazer nu-metal ones. The tiny shorts are much easier to pull off — just about every shorts retailer offers a good 3-inch inseam these days, and they work on just about everybody. They can be baggy if you insist, but the shorter and tighter, the sluttier. Alternatively, Limp Bizkit-esque shorts are coming back in style. Caring about what’s in style automatically makes you a whore. If you’re a street fashion person who wears super long shorts to look cool (or you dress like Adam Sandler, which is the same thing), I’m calling it now — you’re a slut.
Shoes
It’s easier here to say which shoes do not give off slut vibes. Stay the fuck away from Sperrys, or any other type of boat shoe. Loafers, too, should be avoided. If it could reasonably be called “preppy,” it’s a no. Allbirds or anything else reminiscent of Silicon Valley is off the table as well. Some definite slut shoes, however, include any sneaker that comes to mind when you think “sneakerhead” — Converse, sandals of all varieties, and even Crocs. Crocs have big himbo energy. They suggest that you’re taking your shoes on and off a lot and need to prioritize speed and comfort. The only reason you’d do that would be because you’re having sex with a lot of different people.
Not wearing socks is inherently slutty because it means your ankle is exposed, but you should probably still wear socks with most shoes.
Accessories
If you’re wearing just a single accessory, you’re a slut. You’re wearing a watch when you can just check the time on your phone? That’s slutty. If you wear any jewelry — an earring, a gold chain, etc. — that’s slutty. Sunglasses are almost always slutty. To me, though, the sluttiest trait of all accessory-wise is carrying any sort of bag. What fucking business do you have needing to carry stuff around? You have pockets, and not wanting to use them is slutty. The tote bag sits atop the slutty bag mountaintop, especially if it’s for some sort of hip brand. You’re obviously trying to make a statement.
The Most Important Thing of All…
Trends come and go. And tastes vary. At the end of the day, then, there’s really only one true constant to looking like a slut — wanting to look like a slut. If you feel it in your soul, that’s all that counts. Having fun and feeling good is the sluttiest thing of all.
Magdalene Taylor
Magdalene Taylor is a staff writer at MEL. She covers internet culture, sex and the online adult industry. She lives in Brooklyn but is from God's Country, Western Massachusetts.
