The 36th President of the United States was a big man. At 6-foot-4, he was physically imposing — he would also stand far too close to people, which only served to amplify his size. His personality was big, too, as he was known for cursing like a sailor, telling dirty jokes and openly talking about — and even sharing — his bodily functions with anyone close by.
He was certainly big on accomplishment as well, having served as the Senate Majority Leader before becoming JFK’s Vice President and eventual successor. As a president, Johnson had a historically big record — both good and bad — with the most significant civil rights record since Abraham Lincoln and a giant goddamn mess of a war in Vietnam. Oh, and there was one more thing that was big about LBJ — his enormous cock.
Having named his penis “Jumbo,” Johnson was known to open up his trousers on a regular basis and wag his dick at others. There are numerous reports of this, from incidents when he seemed to do it as a (bad) joke, to times when he did it to intimidate people. Unfortunately for the historical record, there seems to be no photographic evidence of LBJ’s member, nor do we have any reliable size estimates or vivid descriptions of its appearance (like those of Bill Clinton’s smaller-than-average penis). We can, however, infer quite a bit from all the different stories about Johnson’s hog, which never seems to have been whipped out without a vulgar remark accompanying it.
And so, along with LBJ quotes to accompany them, here’s everything that we actually do know about President Johnson’s johnson…
He Named It “Jumbo” in College (Or Earlier)
According to historian Blema S. Steinberg, when Johnson was in college, after a shower, he’d come into a room naked and say, “I’ve gotta take ol’ Jumbo here and give him some exercise. I wonder who I’ll fuck tonight.” Then, after a date, he would brag by saying, “Jumbo had a real workout tonight.” Such boastfulness didn’t disappear after college either, as Johnson — who, during much of his life, carried on an affair with the wife of one of his biggest donors — was known to be hostile in regards to JFK’s sexual reputation. One famous quote on the matter was when he told some aides, “I’ve had more women by accident than Kennedy had on purpose.”
He’d Show It Off at the Urinal
Pulitzer Prize-winning LBJ biographer Robert A. Caro has also written, “If he was urinating in a bathroom of the House Office Building and a colleague came in, Johnson, finishing, would sometimes turn to him with his penis in his hand. Without putting it back in his pants, he would begin a conversation, still holding it ‘and shaking it, as if he was showing off.’” In another urinal story, Johnson turned to a man — possibly a senator — and said, “Have you ever seen anything as big as this?” Similarly, it’s been written that Johnson would invite male aides to skinny dip in the White House pool with him, then insult their genitals in comparison to his own.
He Used It to Piss on a Secret Service Agent
Johnson pissing stories — of which there are many — weren’t limited to bathrooms either. He also had a gross reputation of pissing in the parking lot of the House Office building, particularly when female reporters or staffers were in close proximity. Another time, while Johnson was urinating next to a Secret Service agent, a breeze blew, spraying piss on the agent’s leg. When the agent informed him what was happening, LBJ didn’t redirect his stream. Instead, he smiled and said, “I know I am. That’s my prerogative,” which, it should go without saying, is a pretty awful way to treat the people guarding your life.
He Claimed It Was the Reason for the Vietnam War
On at least one occasion, LBJ’s lewd behavior intersected with his abysmal war record. According to biographer Robert Dallek, “Johnson found it difficult to sustain his rationality in dealing with war critics. During a private conversation with some reporters who pressed him to explain why we were in Vietnam, Johnson lost his patience. According to Arthur Goldberg, LBJ unzipped his fly, drew out his substantial organ and declared, ‘This is why!’”
He Kept It Very Clean
LBJ had special plumbing put in the White House to clean Jumbo. According to a story in Kate Anderson Brower’s book The Residence: Inside the Private World of the White House, Johnson demanded that White House plumbers install a crotch-level shower head in his bathroom. When they ran into plumbing issues, LBJ reportedly yelled, “If I can move 10,000 troops in a day, you can certainly fix the bathroom any way I want it.”
He Had His Pants Specially Tailored to Accommodate It
Finally, there’s this, a recorded conversation between Johnson and a tailor. While the rest of these stories were relayed by reliable sources, this is the only Jumbo-related tale that we have concrete evidence of, thanks to the recording system LBJ installed in the White House (the same one that would later get Nixon in a lot of trouble).
Speaking to a man named Joe Haggar, LBJ asks for some adjustments to his pants, explaining that future pairs should have longer pockets and a little more give in the waistband. Additionally, he says, “The crotch, down where your nuts hang — is always a little too tight. So, when you make them up, give me an inch that I can let out there because they cut me. It’s just like riding a wire fence.” Reiterating the point, he also says, “See if you can’t leave me an inch from where the zipper ends, back to my bunghole.”
The conversation — which also contains a few mid-sentence belches — kinda says it all, perfectly capturing LBJ’s crotch-centric crudeness. Because even Jumbo had nothing on how big of a dick he was personally.
Brian VanHooker
Brian VanHooker is a staff writer at MEL specializing in pop culture, food (especially pizza) and long form oral histories. He is the co-creator of the comic book "Barnum & Elwood" and "The Tramp," a comedy pilot starring John O'Hurley. He also hosts a TMNT interview podcast called "Turtle Tracks" and was once called a "Good Guy" by Mr. T.
