Some time ago, I hopped on the high-waisted pants bandwagon. I have no ass to speak of, so I figured this way, at least what does exist in that amorphous area would be aided by a contraption no different than a push-up bra. And all was well and good until my girlfriend pointed out one night before we were going to see one of her cousins, that she could, without trying very hard, see the outline of my dick.
I was sporting moose knuckle — a common affliction/side effect of the high-waisted look. “I need to settle this once and for all,” one guy recently wrote in the Daily Questions thread on the Male Fashion Advice subreddit (MFA), a comment that seemingly caused enough shame that he’s since deleted it. “My pants look fine when worn high, but I’m not sure if I’m looking like Pee-wee Herman with the package-bulge it creates. Should the inseam end at the taint?”
“I need a remedy for some moose-knuckle action,” another MFAer wrote in a separate earlier thread, detailing how his 501 shrink-to-fit Levi’s “fits amazingly well in the ass, things, leg and waist, but half the time I get a slight asymmetrical bulge in my crotch.” Meanwhile, another lamented in his own thread — “How Do I Get Rid of Male Cameltoe?” — “I’ve been very… endowed… and every pair of pants I wear show some sort of outline, and it has me very self conscious because I’m a very modest person. Is there any way to help this?” (My favorite retort in the comments: “This post is the best humblebrag ever BTW.”)
So what’s happening here? Or more pointedly, in the case of high-waisted-induced moose knuckle, what’s to blame — your pants, where they sit on your waistline, your penis size or some combination therein?
How about none of the above? Because a few of the guys on the MFA that I speak to steadfastly believe that it’s operator error. That is, in this specific instance, moose knuckle is a byproduct of wearing non-high-waisted pants at a high-waisted level. (For the record: Most agree that the definition of high-waisted pants refers to trousers where the waistband sits on your natural waist, which exists between the bottom of your ribs and the top of your hip bones.) “True high-waisted pants should showcase no more bulge than other pants,” an MFA subscriber tells me, adding that “a wedgie and moose knuckle isn’t a good look.”
But if you refuse to part with your non-high-waisted pants — and yet, still want to wear them six or so inches above your hip bone — there are ways to mitigate any subsequent moose knuckle. For starters, pleated pants come with creases that provide suitable hiding spots for your dong. Looser-fitting trousers, of course, make everything a lot less taut. And underwear plays a role here, too. “Boxer briefs will reign it in more than boxers will, if that helps,” one MFA subscriber vows.
“Compression shorts, you can get them at Walmart,” another suggests. “They are meant for gym use and to help with runners I think, but they do fantastic for reigning it in while wearing slacks as well as gym shorts.”
So all is not lost. With the right kind of maneuvering, your pants can remain high-waisted, and your junk nondescript — nary a moose knuckle in sight. You just can’t hike them up and hope for the best.
Andrew Fiouzi
Andrew Fiouzi is a staff writer at MEL.
