Have you seen The Equalizer 2 yet? Well if you’re considering seeing it this weekend, don’t — that is, unless you enjoy strange Proust references.
Now that you’ve figured that out, you’re probably looking for something else to do instead. Whatever that something else might be, it’s probably best to avoid public pools, unless you enjoy inhaling the vast amounts of urine that you always thought was “chlorine smell.”
Me telling you what to do is most likely stressing you out, and for that, I’m sorry. But you should really nip that stress in the bud, because if you let it linger, it’ll change the chemistry in your brain, and that’s depressing — literally.
Don’t worry, though: We’ve did a whole thing this week on how to pull yourself out of a tailspin (you’re welcome).
Now that your weekend is sorted, celebrate by eating some weird ice cream, which tastes way better than it sounds. Oh, and check out the best stuff from the week that was…
This Week’s Must Reads
“All of Your Practical Questions About a Threesome, Answered”
Found yourself two people willing to have sex with you at the same time? Lucky dog! If you’re like most people, however, it’s likely your first time ménage à trois-ing, and you probably have some questions about how it’s all supposed to go down. Not to worry — contributing writer Brian VanHooker reached out to a bunch of experts to figure out the basic mechanics of making the beast with three backs. READ MORE
“Everything That Came Before All-Caps Internet Yelling”
Donald Trump’s nearly all-caps Twitter threat to Iranian President Hassan Rouhani on Sunday night prompted relentless memes and jokes. It also made us wonder: How did all-caps typing come to be interpreted as yelling, anyway? And how do specific text-based choices signal meaning beyond the words? READ MORE
“We’ve Entered the Era of Sexually Fluid Professional Wrestlers”
Pro wrestling is designed to elicit a variety of emotions in the service of getting you to return to the arena to part with your money again — anger, disappointment, happiness, titillation, etc. Rarely, though, does that include romance, and even more rarely does that romance involve two men. But Kenny Omega, the world champion of New Japan Pro Wrestling — the second largest wrestling promotion in the world after WWE — is aiming to change that. READ MORE
“The Strange, Homophobic Reason Guys Like Wiz Khalifa Won’t Eat Bananas in Public”
Is it gay to eat bananas? For some straight men, the answer is yes — they’re simply too phallic for public consumption. Which is a shame, considering that bananas are great for you. Luckily, rapper Wiz Khalifa has a solution: Break that big, yellow dick in half. As staff writer Tracy Moore writes, policing the way you eat food just to avoid being seen as effeminate demonstrates how far guys still have to go in accepting the fact that homosexuality is nothing to fear. READ MORE
Five Things We Learned This Week
- Instagram’s nipple policy is a joke. If you’re a dude, your nipples are fine. But if you’re a woman, a drag queen or trans, you’re out. Well, sometimes. The whole policy is clear as mud. And at least one trans woman is seeing how far she can push it.
- Diet sodas are unhealthy, but brown diet sodas are extra unhealthy. If we were going to rank the healthiness of diet sodas — which we did — Diet 7Up and Sprite Zero would rank at the top, while brown colas, like Diet Pepsi, are down at the bottom. It’s all thanks to artificial colors and caffeine.
- “& Sons” is a branding lie. That’s right, putting “& Son(s)” in a business name is a retail trope, aimed at consumers caught up in the larger “artisan” trend.
- You’ve been vacationing all wrong. That’s because you’ve been missing out on the best day of your vacation: Day 8, the day most of you are headed home instead of still on a beach somewhere.
- The “natural” makeup look takes just as much time as more done-up looks. Looking like there’s nothing there takes some next-level focus and effort. Remember, the devil’s greatest trick was convincing us he didn’t exist.
The Week in Quotes
Meet a dude who breaks the law for viral fame on YouTube (just don’t ask him to fake it):
Cluster headaches are badass. Having sex while suffering from a cluster headache? Even more badass:
When you’re born with a huge cock and you want to go to nursing school, what do you do? If you’re Jack Mackenroth, you make porn behind the paywall:
Second Amendment champions might secretly (or not-so-secretly) yearn to be the “good guy with a gun,” but for people who have killed in self-defense, it’s about the worst experience you can have:
When you pay a male enhancement coach to help you grow the length and girth of your penis, you should expect some uncomfortable conversations:
And Now, A Word From Our Readers
This week, we reported on a study that suggested the best times to eat breakfast has everything to do with your personal habits, and aren’t set in stone. Given the fact that studies are admittedly mostly bullshit, this reader responded appropriately:
Funny enough, the career path of staff writer C. Brian Smith’s male enhancement coach is eerily reminiscent of every millennial male’s ‘90s experience, as this reader smartly points out:
See y’all on Monday!
Jeff Gross
Jeff Gross is MEL’s senior editor for social media and content marketing. His daily ICYMI column, which chronicles all things meta on the site, is the quickest way to catch up on MEL, and the funniest thing you’ll read all day. Follow him on Twitter.
