Anyone who ever went to college has a good “shitty roommate” story. My freshman year roommate—we’ll call him “Robert”—would probably tell you about how my “closet” was a pile of mildew-y clothes in the center of our room. Or he might tell you how I was the guy who pulled a 1.0 first semester because I was too busy watching marathons of ER and The Practice to go to class.
Of course, I could tell you about how two guys showed up at our door one night when he wasn’t there “responding to a noise complaint,” only to ask if they could look under my bed for him. Evidently that’s how bail bondsmen convince you to let them in! So a word to the wise, ROBERT, don’t try to burn me the way Brett Kavanaugh’s college roommate burned him on Tuesday. I’ve got stories, too, buster brown.
In the meantime, though, here are today’s best stories, in case you missed them…
Must Read
“The Men Who Deliberately Friend-Zone Themselves”
The friend zone is not a fun place to be. If you need a primer on what the friend zone is, just think of this guy:
Conventional wisdom suggests that guys don’t put themselves in the friend zone, they get put there. But that isn’t necessarily the case—Bridget Phetasy has 20,000 words from men who have willingly self-friend zoned, and their reasons for doing so actually make some sense. READ MORE
Soul Music
Zaron Burnett brings the metaphysical heat today with this piece on “terminal lucidity,” aka the mysterious flash of life and vitality that occurs in people just before they die. These flashes have allowed doctors to witness some seriously spontaneous, impossible and downright wacky mental and physical feats—feats that have given rise to the notion that our minds somehow transcend our bodies, brains and even the physical realm altogether.
Never Trust a Roommate
Judging by what’s previously happened to Ted “can’t stop jerkin’ it” Cruz and, just in the last couple of days, Brett “aggressive and belligerent” Kavanaugh, the first person you’ll want to have sign an NDA if you ever run for office is your freshman-year roommate.
Miles Klee took to Twitter to find out what kind of shit people would talk about their own freshman roommates, and judging from the many, many responses he collected, you might want to skip the NDA entirely and just hire a hitman.
Blasted hentai at all hours of the night and left lard in a deep fryer on the counter at all times
— Jordan Wannemacher (@wannemachaa) September 25, 2018
Stand By Your Man
Speaking of Kavanaugh and the ever-increasing amount of shit he finds himself in, the wannabe-Supreme Court justice made the smart PR move and hauled his wife in front of Fox News in an attempt to give his free-falling nomination a Wife Boost:
If the sight of the two of them gives you deja vu, you aren’t alone. Wives have been paraded in front of the media as political cover for years.
Gimme My Money
At this point, pulling money out of an ATM is as second-nature as breathing: You put your card in, enter your PIN, pick your amount and viola!—easy money.
But what happens when the ATM spits out the wrong amount? Or too much? Or—gasp—nothing at all? What do you do then, genius? Let’s find out.
Basic Dad Advice
Not every man is cut out to be a father. Unfortunately, some men don’t figure that out until it’s too late. We spoke to a clinical psychologist, a family studies professor and someone who was abandoned as a child about what the right course of action is for the “I’ve made a huge mistake” parent—and it isn’t leaving your kid in the dust.
Sorry, Olive Oil Isn’t a Replacement for Viagra
Don’t listen to this study that suggests olive oil could be a good remedy for tackling erectile dysfunction. As nice as it might sound to put that liter of Kirkland Brand EVOO to good use, olive oil doesn’t cause boners. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t some very interesting correlations between the benefits of an olive oil-rich diet and a healthy vascular system (read: the system that delivers blood to your dick).
Happy Animals, But Sad News
Rottnest Island in Western Australia is one of the most isolated places you can travel to on Earth. It’s also one of the only places you can meet a quokka—an animal the size of a house cat with the body of a kangaroo that happens to have the resting face of a teddy bear—the star of our final mini-doc from our MEL Films project.
And that’s the sad news—not the premier of Happy Animals, but the fact that MEL Films has come to a close. That said, we’re extremely proud of the work we’ve done over the last three years, the best of which we’ve collected below:
That’s just a taste—check out all of our award-winning documentaries here.
Jeff Gross
Jeff Gross is MEL’s senior editor for social media and content marketing. His daily ICYMI column, which chronicles all things meta on the site, is the quickest way to catch up on MEL, and the funniest thing you’ll read all day. Follow him on Twitter.
