Almost everyone who went to college has a freshman roommate story. But often as not, the relationship begins and ends with a couple semesters of sleeping in the same space — in the years afterward, you drift apart, to different cities, careers and friends. The roommate stories are what remain. Some roommates, though, resurface with a vengeance, taking the national stage as a celebrity, or more upsettingly, a political figure. It’s then that the people who shared a mini-fridge with them 30 years ago may feel compelled to tell the world about their masturbation habits.
https://twitter.com/PeterKauffmann/status/1044384650767020033
This week, for example, embattled Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh’s freshman roommate at Yale gave a statement to reporters now probing allegations that Kavanaugh engaged in sexual misconduct at that time. In it, he says that while he and the future judge didn’t have much of a social relationship, he was witness to the effects of Kavanaugh’s heavy drinking — which made him “aggressive and belligerent” — and believes Debbie Ramirez, the woman who accused Kavanaugh of exposing himself and thrusting his penis in her face at a party.
Far less seriously, but still relevant considering his anti-masturbation stance and porn habit, Sen. Ted Cruz was shamed last year by his former Princeton roomie for constantly crankin’ the hog while both of them were in the bunk bed. Clearly, if we want any credibility on the national stage, we need to make sure the people who met and lived with us at the age of 18 don’t have the dirtiest dirt on us.
Case in point: When I asked people on Twitter to preemptively snitch on their old roommates, just to get a sense of how youthful reputations can haunt us for life, I wasn’t prepared for the response — and I came away both humbled and horrified by the variety of human experience. I’ll present this wealth of data categorically; anyone who wants to peruse it for themselves is encouraged to read the hundreds of replies and quote-tweets. But basically, if you ever run for office, your ex-bunkmate will have one of these takes:
They Were a Saint / We’re Still Friends / I Was the Shitty Roommate
she got so silently internally stressed out by the incredible mess on my desk & the way i used to sleep curled up on a BEANBAG CHAIR, like a DOG, when my bunk was covered in laundry that she started yelling at me in her sleep. her name was katie and she should be president https://t.co/lwZYT9hWsB
— Rave Sashayed (@_sashayed) September 25, 2018
This, if you’re looking to get elected or appointed to high office, is probably as good as it gets: You and the roommate got along so well that the two of you still talk regularly, or one of you officiated at the other’s wedding. Makes it seem like you can create a deep, lasting connection with anyone, anywhere, even at the mercy of an indifferent student housing bureaucracy. Bonus points if the roommate is now self-aware enough about their depression/alcoholism/poor hygiene that they commend you for valiantly putting up with it for an entire year. These are the people who should be leading us.
https://twitter.com/bppfeiffer/status/1044655061064962048
https://twitter.com/thegoblinparty/status/1044669721524621313
When his girlfriend cracked her front tooth open after drunkenly faceplanting on the sidewalk, he handled it with great aplomb. Duncan has my vote! https://t.co/1BIxRLyZol
— Charles Bramesco (@intothecrevasse) September 25, 2018
honestly i was the bad one. my roommate was the child of missionaries who provided medical care to impoverished zimbabweans, and he was white-knuckling it through the pre-med cycle. so in comparison i looked like a decadent, debauched chuckle-lad. https://t.co/LT6ez1mPVh
— Alex Yablon (@AlexYablon) September 25, 2018
she is an angel who was always super thoughtful – crafted all of our holiday decorations by hand and made me gifts as well. we cooked together. we always make sure to meet up when we're in the same city. khunti is the bomb. https://t.co/YeZl9rCPsZ
— sullivan ballou (@sullivan_ballou) September 25, 2018
We Barely Interacted / They Left School / Don’t Remember Much
https://twitter.com/aileenwithan_a/status/1044667981438103552
In politics, no revelations are good revelations. It’s not quite the ringing endorsement of “They saved my life by forcing me to eat a vegetable when I’d been surviving on ramen for three months straight,” but neither is being remembered as inert or inoffensive a campaign-killer. If anything, it ups your cipher status: People can believe anything they want about you! Quiet, shy or generally absent roommates have never been an issue.
https://twitter.com/jeremypgordon/status/1044697755233513473
https://twitter.com/MikeOdenthal/status/1044695506130280450
https://twitter.com/pr9000/status/1044704688371912706
https://twitter.com/andreagrimes/status/1044699661716545536
Quiet guy. Didn’t really drink. One time he woke up and groggily chugged a nearby Gatorade bottle that I’d filled with tequila, then threw up all over his bed. I still feel bad about it but he’d make a solid judge probably. Endorse https://t.co/UHl66dsJQe
— Jake Offenhartz (@jangelooff) September 25, 2018
Well, There Were Some Red Flags…
That he didn't own a towel. Said he didn't need one because his bathrobe "is basically the same thing." He never washed it. https://t.co/TMQ1RcZjR2
— Steve Granelli (@stevegranelli) September 25, 2018
Now we’re getting into the good stuff. See, everyone comes to college with their specific background, along with a related baseline of assumptions that don’t always hold up in the real world (if college even counts as that). They may harbor curious religious beliefs, practice bizarre habits or lose all self-control when granted the freedoms of a campus thousands of miles away from their parents. They might not have known how to do laundry. Are any of these juvenile behaviors or blind spots truly disqualifying for prestigious jobs down the road? That entirely depends on your appetite for eccentricity.
we went to the Met and he TOUCHED AN EL GRECO PAINTING! He just reached out and felt it because he was curious. Also he fell asleep on basically every subway ride.
— Parker Higgins (@xor) September 25, 2018
https://twitter.com/mightbenatalie/status/1044658378906226740
https://twitter.com/mattsinger/status/1044659285580533761
https://twitter.com/sweave/status/1044663095237337088
https://twitter.com/BryanDisagrees/status/1044692805870923777
got caught masturbating to CSI
— dan (@atldan) September 25, 2018
https://twitter.com/braak/status/1044652746379530240
No Complaints, Apart From the Music
https://twitter.com/JBEmerson/status/1044706777990721536
When the half-formed personalities of teenagers collide, the friction is frequently pop-culture-based rather than a matter of diverging temperament. Sometimes the roommate’s favorite music, movies and TV shows become shared pleasures (my roomie Conor and I used to go to sleep listening to Sigur Rós), and sometimes they’re a big headache. At worst, bad choices of entertainment reflect a temporary lack of judgment.
https://twitter.com/mslopatto/status/1044693846993432576
He listened to “I’m the Scatman” all the time. https://t.co/RAXe1ezYnJ
— Matt Hoeppner (@matthoeppner) September 25, 2018
https://twitter.com/thirdsecond/status/1044700688788402176
https://twitter.com/gibbargabbar/status/1044702423934107648
She did E and listened to Hotel California way too much. https://t.co/4pwZV1zOrQ
— Britni Danielle (@BritniDWrites) September 25, 2018
Living With Them Was an All-Out Shitshow
he literally threatened to kill me while drunk on moonshine https://t.co/Z0XEAunmru
— Timothy Burke (@bubbaprog) September 25, 2018
These are your classic “nightmare roomie” scenarios. Trying to survive night after night of cohabitation with such violent, abusive, kleptomaniac, blackout-drunk or drugged, trash-hoarding, having-sex-with-you-in-the-room, pissing-in-your-bed trainwrecks while pursuing your own higher education is a tremendous challenge. And, quite frankly, any of these anecdotes ought to give us great pause in the midst of a confirmation hearing. I don’t believe any of the people who did this shit are capable of genuine change, sorry.
Bc I was away for the weekend and the toilet got clogged he pooped in a garbage bag until I could fix the toilet https://t.co/chuatQAaTW
— hermit crab rented dormitory battle (@joshjossjsh) September 25, 2018
https://twitter.com/mandyapolis/status/1044664328220217345
https://twitter.com/feministspice/status/1044658720922202112
He went by a pseudonym. Woke to Godsmack's "I Stand Alone" for 4am swim practice and watched 'Scorpion King' on repeat. Once the lights went out he threw tennis balls at us. He wrapped the other roommate's pillow in duct tape as a birthday present. Laughed like a serial killer. https://t.co/HkgT4krDDg
— Matthew Kitchen (@matthewkitchen) September 25, 2018
https://twitter.com/thegoodship/status/1044678154764398592
https://twitter.com/madwimminbookz/status/1044716205624487937
https://twitter.com/wannemachaa/status/1044713884119179264
https://twitter.com/PiedmontMAHole/status/1044727228871905281
Full-On Racist, Homophobe, Misogynist or Likewise Hateful Piece of Shit
She called me "Jew Bitch." And that's the best thing I can say about her without getting kicked off Twitter. PS: She works in PR now.
— Laurie Boris writes stuff (@LaurieBoris) September 25, 2018
The worst of the worst, the scum of the earth. Sure, the shitshow roomies are psychos, but they’re typically focused on self-annihilation, with a few bystander casualties. The hateful roomie is far more likely to carry their toxic ideology into a stable career where it can flourish in plain sight. Just look at who works at the White House these days! Anyone who shows up to school with Nazi gear deserves to answer for that forever.
https://twitter.com/SRD_08/status/1044658688114528256
Not sure what he’d say about me – I would let people know he referred to MLK Day as “Nigger Day” https://t.co/45vDr9cYgo
— Scott Siegel (@videodrome71) September 25, 2018
https://twitter.com/ConstantFail/status/1044706283759300610
He was a neo-Nazi with an actual Nazi uniform in his closet, and his favorite pastime was leaning out our 12th-story window and throwing baked beans and dishwashing liquid onto passing people of color while screaming racial epithets at them.
— Jamie D (@jamois1014) September 25, 2018
https://twitter.com/briarish/status/1044667916166279168
that prior to living with him I would have assumed doing cocaine was incompatible with national socialism https://t.co/IQO8aXOw7U
— Tom McKay (@thetomzone) September 25, 2018
We Were Both Weirdos and/or Dirtbags
https://twitter.com/MattIsATwitNow/status/1044706779370795008
Honestly, my favorite outcome, and the purest. I’d like to think this is how my old roomie felt — although I was actually more of an absentee, holed up at my girlfriend’s dorm with her DVD collection and plentiful weed. The double-dirtbag, twin-weirdo pairings were exactly what college thrived on: harmless pranks, collaborative mischief, gentle debauchery, the occasional roasting, and underneath all that, lots of love and support. It’s not to say that either of you would be comfortable seeing the other in congress, but really, what’s the worst that could happen? At least they’re not a goddamn sociopath.
https://twitter.com/papaalphakilo/status/1044657415709491201
https://twitter.com/AJSRNJ/status/1044660387977793537
https://twitter.com/supersloth/status/1044661363304349696
https://twitter.com/cassymstone/status/1044712643892846592
that's he's legitimately one of the very best people i know and also we once filled a boot with water, froze it, cut off the boot, and called it our bootsicle https://t.co/Kc3jlAqcsy
— babar (@babaresq) September 25, 2018
That’s it: the full guide on how to judge a person solely from what their freshman college roommate remembers about them. I guess you could use other metrics and information when choosing who to back in an election, but why bother? The answers are all here.
Miles Klee
Miles Klee is MEL’s resident tank-top dirtbag, shitposter and meme expert. He’s also the author of the novel ‘Ivyland’ and a story collection, ‘True False.’
