I’d never profess to be a film critic, but there are two movie franchises that IMHO have been so thoroughly trashed they’re practically unrecognizable: Terminator and Jurassic Park. Let’s start with the former: Terminator and T2 were so good because, among other things, they were dark, there were actual character arcs (Sarah Connor going from helpless to badass in Terminator; the Terminator going from killing machine to this puddle of love in T2) and the effects were used sparingly and to great effect. Since then, however, the franchise has been turned into a comedy, (ugh) a McG movie, and in Genisys, an incoherent mess of time-travel paradoxes.
Jurassic Park is the other shell of its former self: What began as a smart, well-directed film about what we could reasonably expect if we tried to clone and breed dinosaurs has since turned into a never-ending parade of incredibly dumb humans making the same mistake over and over again with cameos by a talking dinosaur, whatever this is, and ya boy, Blue. All of which is to say, I will not be seeing Fallen Kingdom.
That’s it — rant over. Here’s what happened on MEL today:
Must Read
“Americans Crave Group Sex”
That’s right: Sex with multiple partners emerged as America’s number one sexual fantasy in the largest domestic study of sexual desire ever conducted, broken down in Justin Lehmiller’s new book, Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. But it’s hardly the only juicy takeaway Lehmiller uncovered. READ MORE
From the It’s Too Damned Hot Outside Department
“Why Does Heat Make Us So Cranky?”
Not only is it sticky, sweaty and uncomfortable, but extreme heat sucks so much that studies have linked it to increased stress and paranoid thoughts — not to mention violent crimes up to and including murder. So why does heat make us f**king crazy? It has everything to do with discomfort, and what prolonged bouts of it can do to your psyche. READ MORE
An Actual Film Critic On ‘Jurassic Park: Fallen Kingdom’
On the importance of the human characters to the central plot: “These films make a massive amount of money, but I’d argue they’d make just about as much if I were the star of them.”
On Jeff Goldblum turning the Ian Malcolm character into, well, Jeff Goldblum: “I liked him as an actor — I’m less fond of the viral muppet he’s become.”
On whether we’re going to see Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard) set women back another 30 years by running from dinosaurs in heels again: “It was natural to wonder if Fallen Kingdom would address StilettoGate. Rest assured, the movie does.”
On Claire’s lack of agency and charisma: “Claire is just as dull as she was in Jurassic World. Maybe they’ll address her lack of a personality in the third film?”
On whether Fallen Kingdom is good: “Fallen Kingdom isn’t good.”
Get the full scoop on this dino-sized turd here.
Let’s Talk About ‘Big Dick Energy’
Some say it might be indelicate to spark a discussion around a dead celebrity’s large dick. People on Twitter, however, would disagree with you, which is how we landed with Zaron Burnett’s round-up of the chatter around Anthony Bourdain’s “Big Dick Energy.”
Please, Twitter, never change.
Jeff Gross
Jeff Gross is MEL’s senior editor for social media and content marketing. His daily ICYMI column, which chronicles all things meta on the site, is the quickest way to catch up on MEL, and the funniest thing you’ll read all day. Follow him on Twitter.
