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How to Avoid the Neck Vagina

Our president has one, but you don’t have to

Our president has a vagina neck. Never noticed it? Well, you can see for yourself here. And here. Also, here, here, here and — my personal favorite — here. Now, I don’t say this to humiliate the president (he needs no help from me on that score), nor to ruin vaginas for everybody. No, rather it’s because I fancy myself something of an amateur presidential historian, so for the sake of the office, I’d like to help our clit-throated commander in chief disguise this highly unpleasant feature. That way, he can go back to worrying about his yeti pubes and the size of his tiny mushroom cock.

The vagina neck is a variation of the better known “turkey neck,” which often occurs as people get older. As the muscles weaken with age, they’re less able to support the skin, causing the skin to sag, which is especially noticeable around the neck. In some cases, these strands of sagging skin can take on something of a labial appearance, which would only be further accented by the presence of a tight collar, like the one you might wear if you were, say, the President of the United States but still dressed like a child wearing his dad’s suit to church.

As this is a natural and difficult-to-avoid effect of aging, the options for doing away with a vagina neck are pretty limited, but there are some solutions, the most obvious and drastic of which is some sort of cosmetic surgery or procedure. A “neck lift” is one option, where a small incision is placed either below the chin or behind the ears, then excess fat is sucked out and the skin pulled tight. There’s also Botox, laser surgery and another procedure called Ultherapy, where focused ultrasound energy is used to boost the collagen levels in the skin, thus tightening things back up. While that last one may sound a bit space-agey, it is FDA approved, so maybe not total bullshit?

There’s also some exercises our chief executive may want to try (I know, I know, but stick with me). Healthline lays out a number of them, but even they caution that there’s nothing to prove that they actually work. These exercises include a “forehead push,” where you hold your head back with your hand and press against the hand; the “chew,” where you close your mouth, point your chin to the ceiling and chew; and the “kiss,” which is the same as the chew, except with a pouting motion (he’s got that one down, at least).

And while it isn’t an exercise, there’s one trick that the Donald may want to try when he’s got those press cameras in his face: If you press your tongue against the roof of your mouth, it will tighten up the neck area. For another tip, one thing that may lead to turkey neck is excessive exposure to UV rays, so the president may want to consider giving up his trademark tan in order to help mitigate the prominence of his vagina neck (although going by the particular shade of orange he prefers, it is perhaps more likely to be spray-on in nature).

The easiest and least invasive way to combat the vagina neck, though, is to wear different clothing. As you can see from this picture of Trump in a polo shirt, if a shirt isn’t too tight, it may not appear at all. Stylist Todd Hanshaw, who has dressed many people in his fashion career, equates those folds in the skin to a curtain. “If you look at your drapes, when you pull them wide, they’re flat. But if you cinch them together, you get pleats, which is basically what’s happening with the skin,” says Hanshaw. So looser collared shirts would help, as would a good turtleneck or a scarf, as those would help cover things up.

But most likely the president isn’t going to start wearing scarves and turtlenecks. The president has to wear a suit at least sometimes, and a suit is what is really going to highlight that vagina neck. But while I thought that maybe Trump was wearing the same neck size he wore 10 years ago — before all of those McDonald’s fish filets began to take their toll — Hanshaw says he doesn’t believe that’s the case: “From what I can tell, he’s wearing the right size shirt.”

Instead, Hanshaw says that there’s really not going to be any suit-and-tie combo that isn’t going to create that effect if it’s buttoned up all the way. But by picking out a different kind of shirt, he may be able to alleviate it. “Trump generally wears that spread collar, which sits low on the neck, but if he wore a point collar, which is a shirt with a higher collar, then he might cover up at least half of that.” It’ll still create the neck vagina in the same way, but the collar would be over it instead of below it. Along with that, Hanshaw says Trump may want to try a double windsor knot on his tie, so that the bigger knot will be in proportion to the taller collar.

Aside from that, though, the only other solution Hanshaw can recommend is to take a page from Zsa Zsa Gabor, who was known to disguise a turkey neck by taping the back of her neck and pulling the skin together. There are even beauty products that do this. Strangely enough, this may end up being the perfect solution for Trump, as he’s already made a habit of taping the ends of his tie together, so this would likely mean just one more piece of tape.

You’re welcome, Mr. President.