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Fuck It, Let’s Make Every Food into a Sexual Novelty Product

I truly didn’t know how badly we needed sexual novelty foods until I heard about CamSoda’s new line of blatantly horny hot dog toppings

If you want to eat something horny — not just implied horny, like an aphrodisiac — but blatantly horny like penis-shaped pasta, you don’t have many options. Sure, there are some genital-shaped candies, and cupcakes and waffles with dicks and vulvas on them if you’re in the right city. But otherwise, your most phallic option will always be the hot dog. When it comes to horny food, nothing beats a dick-shaped weiner. 

The problem is, once you add on your relish, ketchup and mustard, it loses its visual strength. The penis metaphor weakens, and suddenly, it begins to look like food again. Thankfully, we now have a way around this: horny condiments. 

This week, adult camming site CamSoda announced they’d be branching into the condiment industry to celebrate the Fourth of July. “CamSoda is partnering with a premier condiment producer to provide a condiment line that comes in all shapes and sizes and, most importantly, packs a flavorful punch,” their pre-order website reads. “Weiner-crazed barbeque goers will be able to cascade their franks with Camato Ketchup, Sexy Sauerkraut, Makeout Mustard, Extra Creamy Mayonnaise and Rumpy Relish for a taste that’ll surely take their weenies to another level.”

Honestly, why the fuck not? 

Shit’s been bad lately, real bad. I don’t know how else to get by in this world without indulging in something completely fucking dumb like cam show-inspired condiments. They’re just full-on stupid. “Sexy Sauerkraut?” There’s no reason now to even consider a sauerkraut that isn’t sexy. I also admire that they really didn’t even come up with anything new for the mayonnaise title. Mayo is horny enough as it is. 

Like most other horny foods, the horny condiments do cost more than their un-horny counterparts. CamSoda is currently offering them at $5.99 each, kinda steep for relish, if you ask me. All six of the products together go for $20, though, which doesn’t seem totally unfair. Either way, it’s a reasonable upcharge for a true novelty. 

But really, this whole gimmick makes me wonder why our sexual food options are so limited. We can’t do any better than pasta and candy? We should be making every food into a sexual novelty product — where are my porn-themed cereals, cans of soup, chips and beverages? We should be growing vegetables and watermelons in molds so they come out looking like boobs and dicks. There’s a completely untapped market here, and obviously, there are perverts like me who are willing to pay just for the hell of it. 

Food should be fun, and there’s nothing more fun than a “rumpy” relish.