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Bitcoin Bros v. Gold Guys, A Eulogy for Jeremy Renner’s App and the Story of the Most Humiliated Athlete in All of Sports

No, Mark Sanchez is not the most humiliated athlete in all of sports. You could make the argument that the quarterback’s legendary butt fumble on Thanksgiving Day in 2012 is the most humiliating play in sports history, but you have to remember, there was a time way back when when Sanchez not only made the playoffs, but won a Wild Card game. Can’t wear the crown with a resume like that.

In Sanchez’ defense, the real most lol-worthy athlete actually gets paid to be clowned on — albeit meagerly — so yeah, maybe Sanchez deserves some recognition in this regard. Though baseball’s Bill Buckner might have a bone to pick, too:

Oof.

Must Read

“Bitcoin Bros and Gold Guys Are Battling Over the Millennium’s New Currency”
There’s a growing number of people advocating for a transition from standard currencies like the U.S. dollar to precious metals. Their argument is simple enough: Because gold is a physical commodity that can’t be manipulated, its value is more stable compared to other forms of currency. But their new opponents, Bitcoin traders, who ironically share the same vision of a free, self-regulating currency as they do, believe that gold is dead and cryptocurrency is the future. It’s a battle that is moving far beyond the niche financial corners of the internet, and into the mainstream. READ MORE

RIP, Jeremy Renner App

I have some sad, sad news, y’all: Jeremy Renner is shutting down his app. It turns out not even Hawkeye could stem the tide of trolls and impersonators on his personal Instagram clone, where the only person you could follow was — *surprise!* — Jeremy Renner. It was an app before its time, full of hope, Jeremy Renner and lots and lots of shitposts. Miles Klee penned a touching eulogy for the app, the normie fans who suffered the most and the good ol’ days when you could wake up and be greeted by a wholesome glamour shot of your boy — make that, our boy — Jeremy Renner.

Previously Important Persons

If you’re past retirement age, it can often feel like you’re forgotten by society. No surprise, then, that retirees as a demographic are plagued by high depression and suicide rates once they leave their careers behind. Some seniors, however, are fighting back — together.

Money is Ruining Monogamy

For many years, when couples fought over money, it was because of credit card debt or compulsive shopping. But more recently, stress over student loans has increasingly become a leading cause of marital strife, responsible for 13 percent of divorces. And there are a few common scenarios behind how it happens.

Arsenic and Rolled Oats

When the 2 p.m. doldrums come, what snack-time pick-me-up do you reach for? A CLIF Bar, that’s what! Buuuut maybe you shouldn’t:

Yeah, CLIF Bars are chock-full of some nasty-ass shit — starting with Brown Rice Syrup at the top. Did you know that Brown Rice Syrup is a great way to get your daily recommended dose of arsenic? Yikes.

But that’s not all that CLIF Bars have going for them. Check out all its other sketchy ingredients here.

‘‘Old Town Road’ is Pop’: Scientists

We’ve known for a while now that “Old Town Road” was the song of the summer, and you didn’t need the fact that, at 17 weeks, it was the longest running No. 1 song in U.S. chart history to figure that out. But as official as that designation was, what was still up for debate was whether “Old Town Road” was a country song, or a pop song. That debate has now been settled — by machine learning.

O Captain, My Captain

As the starting point guard on a team (the Washington Generals) whose sole existence is to lose to the Harlem Globetrotters, the job of Ryan Gunderson was to be equal parts jerk and clown. But behind the scenes, it was a different story. Though he was an undersized cast-off who couldn’t even catch on with a second-rate team in Europe, Gunderson eventually found his place as the General’s HBIC — even in the face of perpetual humiliation.

TV Guide

How do you pick the perfect TV for the start of the NFL season? Call your mother.