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Making Jizz Popsicles Is the Chillest Kink Out There

Ice, ice, baby

Every day for a week last summer, OnlyFans star Nick Finch removed a frostbitten Tupperware container from his icebox, emptied a rote ejaculation into it and put it back into the freezer. Having committed to doing this four to five times a day for a YouTube stunt, he’d amassed quite the frozen block; when all was said and done, he estimates that about 30 loads contributed to the mini-cum glacier, which he later thawed on the counter for a number of hours before putting it to use.

His explanation for doing so was simple: He was planning to cook and eat it, and he needed enough material to fry, microwave and bake his own homegrown eggs. (YouTube deleted the video of him doing this, but you can still find it on his OnlyFans).

Nor was Finch the only person freezing his own cum for creative purposes last year, or in general. People have been blasting their semen in the icebox since the dawn of the home fridge, and while it’s usually more of a kinky thing than a reproductive tactic, the internet is full of people wondering how they can use frozen cum for both. Sppare.Me, an at-home sperm cryopreservation company, tells me they hear tons of failed stories from their customers trying to go the home-freezer route, and hell, scientists even want to send a humanity-saving “ark” full of iced semen to the moon.

Back on earth, cum aficionados often use frozen spunk to satisfy their fantasies of being “filled” up with more than one load. Mandy, a pseudonymous self-described “cum-slut” who I found lurking the annals of Reddit’s cum-eating communities, says she loves the feeling and taste of semen, but freezes her partner’s in bulk because one load is never enough. “I like being covered in cum,” she says, explaining that she and her partner have a special cup in the freezer to keep it in. Once they get enough — which takes about a week — she’ll sip it or use it as lube. Her partner likes the aesthetic of it, too; the lovebirds got into the cold cum game last year after he came across a DIY manual that spelled out how to do it safely.

Speaking of safety, a big question among cum-freezers is how safe it is to play with days-to-months old frozen cum. After all, semen is a non-sterile bodily ooze that’s colonized by a diverse array of natural bacteria — wouldn’t improper storage turn it into biohazard?

For some reason, none of the fertility clinics, urologists or sperm researchers I reached out to would talk to me about this, and there are exactly zero articles about the biology of DIY cum storage. So, I had to rely on the personal accounts of Mandy and others like her for answers instead. One redditor recommended freezing the cum as soon as possible after ejaculation because bacteria are more likely to grow at room temp, and another offered than an airtight container, as well as avoiding multiple freeze/reheat cycles, can help keep the cum as “fresh” as possible. Apparently, it also helps “preserve the flavor.”

Stephen, a pseudonymous 49-year-old Dom in Canada, says he frequently cums into an ice-cube tray, pops that baby in the freezer and then melts it onto his sub’s salads for dressing when she comes over to play. Apparently, said sub “loves” it and requests it often in her drinks and coffee, too. So far, she’s had no health problems because of it, and it hasn’t made her sick at all.

Ingesting home-frozen cum didn’t make Finch or any of the hundreds of people on cum-eating Reddit sick either, actually. In fact, it seems that taking frozen cum the oral route — in martinis, popsicles and ice cubes — is at least somewhat alright. And though it’s unclear what sort of expiration date a tray of frozen cum might have, Stephen says he’s used a batch that was at least five weeks old. Other accounts allege much longer.

As for reheating it, most people agree it’s best just to let it thaw. As Finch discovered in his video, even the tiniest bit of heat can cause the water in cum to evaporate rapidly, leaving only the congealed, denatured proteins of the actual sperm intact. Lots of people float the cum container in a small pot of warm water to help bring it up to room temp, too.

Frozen cum that’s lightly thawed also appears to be okay-ish for buttholes. One guy wrote about using — and loving — his partner’s frozen cum as anal lube for both penises and dildos, and numerous people have made amateur videos of them doing the same. The anus is quite a bit hardier than vagina when it comes to putting stuff in it, but if you have hemorrhoids, fissures or any kind of wound in there, I’d skip this one. (No one really knows whether cum can go rancid in a home freezer or not, and again, it’s unclear whether the bacteria semen carries could cause an infection if your sample was improperly stored or left out too long.)

The same could be said for the vagina, a delicately balanced ecosystem whose pH can be easily thrown into yeast infection or bacterial vaginosis territory by the introduction of, say, a toxic iceberg of cum. To that end, Mandy, who’s been known to keep condoms full of frozen semen in her fridge, says she only ever uses cum that’s both instantly frozen and under a week old. “I looked into this myself and couldn’t find any answers as to how long it would take before becoming dangerous,” she tells me. “So, I try to use it as quickly as possible.” So far, she suspects she’s gotten one yeast infection from it, but she couldn’t tell if it was from frozen cum or the new partner she used it with — further evidence that future ice kings and queens should proceed with caution.

The bigger concern, it seems, is that a DIY at-home cumcicle could get someone pregnant. Only, spoiler alert — it probably can’t. Not only are home freezers nowhere near cold enough to preserve sperm — which are frozen in professional facilities in liquid nitrogen at -320 degrees Fahrenheit or lower for fertility purposes — they tend to die en-masse when semen dries up or they contact air. So, between all the freezing and thawing of that cum iceberg on your countertop, it’s unlikely that the substance you’re left with will be particularly potent as a fertility fluid.

That said, professionally frozen swimmers from a sperm bank can live indefinitely under the right conditions — and will survive for up to a day when thawed at home — but the DIY stuff probably isn’t great baby material. That’s unfortunate considering that the pandemic created a massive semen freezing wave and that collecting and storing it professionally can cost between $250 and $1,300 a year. According to Sppare.Me, it can also be “extremely awkward” and time-consuming to go to a clinic, which makes at-home options like their kit a much cheaper and more comfortable option (though, you still send your sample to a lab where they blast it with liquid nitrogen).

It’s probably for the best, though. No child wants to find out that they were created from a homemade cum popsicle.