10-29

Asian Glow, the Brilliant Mess That Is ‘Suspiria’ and Sexy, Sexy Sex Stories

Welcome back to the grind, dear friends. How is everyone’s Monday? Obviously there was more important stuff happening in the world this weekend than our normal nonsense, but there’s no harm in a little escapism in the face of another senseless tragedy. So turn off CNN, Fox News or whatever shouty news organization you get your current events from, and let’s talk cures for Asian Glow, the science behind shitty hold music, the wackiest sex stories on Reddit and much, much more…

Must Read

Can a New Patch for ‘Asian Glow’ Cure My Lifelong Embarrassment Around Drinking?
When it comes to drinking to excess, Asian people have a problem: They tend to “glow,” i.e., turn red, thanks to a deficiency in a specific enzyme in their bodies. Take it from Eddie Kim, MEL staff writer and a proud Korean-American who found out the hard way his freshman year of college. So he was pleasantly surprised last week to see an Instagram ad for Redee Patch, a small adhesive that claims to be able to prevent the incandescent glow from ever appearing. Here’s what happened when he tried it. READ MORE

A Film Critic On… ‘Suspiria’

On what it is: “Dakota Johnson plays Susie, an American dancer who moves to Berlin in 1977 to become part of a celebrated troupe. But the big secret is made clear early on: This dance academy is actually a witches’ coven, and if you displease the company’s artistic director, Madame Blanc (Tilda Swinton), gruesome, horrible things will happen to you.”

On the themes at play in the film’s swirling two-and-a-half hour run time: “Motherhood, femininity, the reunification of Germany, living with the sins of the past, and the best way to lift and carry a crumpled dead body.”

On the emotions you can expect to experience while watching: “Revulsion, grief, horror and anger.”

On Suspiriaa’s A-plus WTF-ness: “It’s better than a masterpiece — masterpieces are thought of as these perfect, peerless works of art. Instead, Suspiria is a beautiful monster — a flawed, violent, messy, absorbing beast that you and your friends can fight about.”

On wanting more of… whatever the hell Suspiria is: “I’ve seen it twice now, and I’m still not sure I understand everything that happens. But I’d happily watch Suspiria again, right now.”

On taking your chances: “There’s a decent chance that you won’t like Suspiria. I think you should see it anyway — if for no other reason than there’s also a chance that you may deeply dig it.”

Read the rest of Tim Grierson’s take on Suspiria, here  —  including why Radiohead’s albums might not be as good as the soundtracks the members of Radiohead are making on their own; why googling “fake balls” to research one of the film’s characters was a huge mistake; and why rumors the film’s director is making a movie based on a Bob Dylan song is very exciting.

WTF, Snickers?

I love those Snickers commercials. You know the ones — some actor or genuine celebrity being cranky, and then one of their friends tells them to eat a Snickers, and all of a sudden, whamo, they’re another (usually younger) person. The message being, “You’re not you when you’re hungry.” Fuck yeah, because peanuts cure hunger!

Uh… no. Hahah no. Snickers is sugar with some peanuts tossed in as an afterthought. And to put a cherry on this shit sundae, Snickers uses palm oil as an emulsifier. Palm oil is… not good. For you, primarily, but also for orangutans, those hyper-smart great apes who are basically being driven to extinction on the Indonesian islands of Borneo and Sumatra to make room for the farms that make the poison, er, refined oil.

But just in case murdering orangutans and spiking the shit out of your blood sugar wasn’t enough to swear you off Snickers completely, here’s everything else in Snickers bars, explained.

Hold, Please

If you’ve ever wondered why there’s music on the other end of those mind-numbingly long holds with your cable provider, wireless service or any other company with little regard for your time, it’s to trick you. Trick you into thinking you haven’t been waiting as long as you have, and trick you into thinking they care enough not to leave you for 10 minutes of silence. But how do they pick that God-awful muzak? Well, there’s a science involved.

Champagne Dreams and Nouveau Riche Nightmares

Being rich isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Just ask someone who’s been rich all their lives. Actually, fuck that, what the hell do they know about worrying about anything? Ask the newly rich. Those lucky bastards can tell you what you — a poor guy — can expect when your app, cupcake shop or third-wave social network finally hits the big time.

The Joy of Sex (Stories)

Having sex is cool and all, but have you ever told a sex story to a complete stranger? Great storytelling happens when you’re free to go into all the embarrassing details without fear of it ever getting back to the unlucky soul at the heart of your tale. Like the case of the sexytime snot shower, the “fuck my ass” moan heard ‘round the world, and lest we forget, the carnivorous clit biter.