Headed out for some last-minute shopping? Just remember, deep breaths, pace yourself and sit down whenever possible. And while I’ve got you sitting down — P.S., I hear food-court Sbarros are an oasis — tuck into some MEL to clear your head.
For tears: Not yours — Captain America’s. Homeboy cried his eyes out in the Avengers: Endgame trailer, and people are freaking out online. But superheroes have been crying long before Cap ever did, and that’s a good thing.
For lols: The funniest gift you can buy this holiday season? Coal. Also, these holiday-party fuck-ups are pretty hilarious, in a can’t-believe-you-did-that sort of way. And don’t forget to read Miles Klee’s takedown of the “barren bachelor pad bro.” You’re not fooling anyone when you call it “living simply,” cheapskate.
For help: Let redditors dress you like a boss. Get over your cringiest memories. Understand, once and for all, whether you’re addicted to Amazon Prime. Learn how to give and receive criticism in bed.
Or, just keep reading…
Must Reads
“An Evening at North America’s First Sex-Doll Brothel”
We sent C. Brian Smith to Toronto to get his groove on with a female sex doll. Which, is ironic, given that Smith is gay. Details, shmetails. But seriously, Aura Dolls, North America’s first sex-doll brothel, does provide an important service: Sexual gratification for men with social anxieties, disabilities or are otherwise too shy to contact a real-life sex worker, but still see pleasure as a basic human right. READ MORE
“The Secret World of Doctors Who Love Whippits”
There are drug addicts in all walks of life. Politicians use them, lawyers do too, and yes, even doctors. Trouble is, when you work as a doctor, they don’t like it when you show up to work all fucked up. That’s one the reasons nitrous oxide, aka whippits, have become the covert drug of choice: They’re short-acting, easily accessible and undetectable on drug tests. READ MORE
“RIP, Roger the Kangaroo, the Impossible Masculine Ideal”
It’s with a heavy, muscular heart that we announce the passing of Australia’s most jacked kangaroo, Roger. Before the buff marsupial passed away this weekend in Alice Springs, Australia, his sinewy 6-foot-7, 200-pound frame was the symbol of an outsized machismo that few people could hope to match. No, seriously: He made the rest of us look really, really weak. READ MORE
“This Is What Happened When Dave Navarro Stole a Dude’s Taco Bell Tattoo”
It’s one thing for Dave Navarro to claim ownership over “Live Mas” ever since riding the Taco Bell catchphrase into full-on meme status on Ink Master. It’s another altogether to claim that someone else’s “Live Mas” ink is his own. For members of the tattooing community, that’s top of the list of “things you don’t do.” Which is why they brought holy hell upon the former Jane’s Addiction guitarist when he stole the “Live Mas” tattoo of North Carolina bartender Caleb Coffey. READ MORE
Five Things we Learned This Week
- One profession in which robots will never fully replace their human counterparts is bartending. You might think it’s ripe for robotic disruption — after, anyone can follow a recipe. But working behind a bar is about so much more than making drinks, and most of the things good bartenders do are things that can’t be taught. Here’s why.
- Sex between one tall person and one short person may seem like trying to fit two random jigsaw puzzle pieces together, but it’s nothing thoughtfully placed pillows, stepping stools and a little creativity can’t overcome. In fact, a lot of people get off on the height difference. It’s a power dynamic, you see — picking up someone smaller to fuck like they’re as light as a feather is a hell of a rush.
- If you’re getting older and starting to develop a neck vagina like our Cheeto-dusted president, there’s still hope you’ll be able to reverse the pull of gravity. You simply need to begin working out that area of your body specifically, and exercises like the “forehead push,” the “chew” and the “kiss” may help.
- In the near future, our toilets will judge us on the quality of our poop. No longer will you stare down at your unnaturally green turd and say “ah, fuck it” as your flush instead of calling your doctor immediately. Instead, your toilet will use AI to scan your poop to tell you whether you ate too much asparagus, or if your bile ducts are out of control.
- Bruce Springsteen is a total phony. Just watch his new Netflix special and you’ll see — these days, the veteran rock star is playing the part of “Bruce Springsteen,” and you’re all invited to the act. Only, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, the fact that he’s a cliché might be what makes the whole thing work so well in the first place.
The Week in Quotes
If you’re anything like me, you leave Las Vegas a little (or a lot) poorer than you were when you arrived — my friends actually call me “the cooler.” Some people, however, are blessed to know what it’s like to win, and win big. Like these three guys who beat the odds and took Vegas to the cleaners.
Have you purchased an indulgence or 10 from Amazon recently? Did clicking “purchase” give you the warm fuzzies? If so, you might be addicted to the omnipresent retail giant. Tracy Moore spoke to a handful of self-described Amazon junkies about what keeps them coming back for stuff they don’t need.
Short Kings are getting ripped because they’re tired of being passed over for jobs and dates. They see getting buff as the key to finally being taken seriously. But a lot of these pocket powerlifters are finding out that, even once they’ve packed on the pounds, society still won’t let them forget about their stature.
The Weekend Binge
This weekend Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse goes all meta and attempts to humorously and seamlessly tie together all of the different iterations of Spider-Man that Marvel and the seemingly endless amounts of movie adaptations of the crime-fighting teen arachnid have put forth in the world — from Peter Porker (aka Spider-Ham) to Gwen Stacy (aka Spider-Woman/Spider Gwen) to Spider-Man Noir (aka hard to even explain). It somehow effortlessly pulls off this feat in addition to intuitively explaining wtf a multiverse is well enough that a child could understand it. In fairness, though, on the last count at least, there have been a few other great TV shows and movies — from Rick and Morty to Fringe to Sliders — that also have created parallel universes that both create great dramatic tension (or in the case of Rick and Morty, humor) and connect together logically.
Jeff Gross
Jeff Gross is MEL’s senior editor for social media and content marketing. His daily ICYMI column, which chronicles all things meta on the site, is the quickest way to catch up on MEL, and the funniest thing you’ll read all day. Follow him on Twitter.
