A New Website, Men Who Still Suck Their Thumbs and the Quest for Less Cum

As MEL’s resident editor for all things meta, it is my great honor to reassure you that no, your eyes do not deceive you—the website looks a little different today. It’s been a long time coming (a long, looooong time), but MEL finally has its very own website.

It’s a good—nay, great—thing.

Currently, the new MEL is in beta, which means we’ll be adding bigger and better site features as time goes on. But even in its 1.0 form, this thing is wicked cool. Take it for a spin! Check out our little hamburger thingy over ??there!

What isn’t changing, however, is the kind of kick-ass cuck content you’ve grown to know and love. That shit’s all here still. Hey, look: There’s some below ?.

Must Read

“He’s a Real Thumbsucker”
Somewhere between 3 and 7 percent of the U.S. adult population still sucks their thumbs. For men unable to shake a habit most people kick as children, the ramifications are both physical—like jaw problems—and societal—like trying to explain why you’re sucking your thumb at work. C. Brian Smith examines the stigma of being an adult thumbsucker, as well as speaks to the men who still suck and the psychologists who treat them. READ MORE

Steak So Woke

Back in my day, I wrote the bible on brand tweeting. Well, I wrote a brand-bible on how a billion-dollar corporation should behave on Twitter. So I know a thing or two about these hip, irreverent brands inserting themselves in trending topics with “funny” tweets that, in reality are not. Hey guys, your thirst is showing!

Which is why the news that the Twitter account for Steak-umm was taking, shall we a say, a different tack to brand tweeting was exciting. And when I say different, I mean woke-millennial tweeting about consumerism different:

Eddie Kim scored an interview with the 27-year-old Twitter genius behind the account, and asked him about his extremely unique strategy behind building a personality around frozen shaved meat.

Nostr@DRILmus

Nostradamus was a 16th century French doctor who could reportedly prophesy terrible future events. @dril is an absurdist Twitter account and arguably the site’s most famous torchbearer for “Weird Twitter” which, as argued by Miles Klee in this piece, has prophetic qualities of its own—namely those of the “holy shit, the world as we know it is in the shitter” variety. Case in point:

See what he did there?!? He clearly foretold Ted Cruz’s “like” of a porn tweet on 9/11 in 2017. And that is just the tip of the iceberg—read all about how @dril’s pre-2016 tweets are a blueprint for the horrors that would soon follow, here.

Loading Problems

Talk to a urologist and they’ll tell you most guys that come to them with “load problems,” aka issues with their ejaculate, complain about not generating enough spunk. That’s not Andrew Fiouzi’s problem—his, in fact, is entirely the opposite. Dude makes too much. Here’s why he’d like to blow smaller loads, and how a urologist suggested he achieve his dream.

#SquatForChange

MAGA men like to complain that they’re second-class citizens in a PC world that is increasingly set up to cater to shrill feminist women. They, are wrong. But one area in which they are getting the short end of the stick is in the shitter—specifically, the lack of baby-changing tables in the men’s room. There are so few!

One dad, Donte Palmer, found himself on his knees in the handicap stall of a Texas Roadhouse in Florida cradling his 1-year-old when he finally snapped, and posted this pic on Instagram:

Seeing Palmer doing triple duty—changing a diaper, doing a squat and avoiding hep-C/norovirus/et. al.—resonated with a lot of men. Which is why the post, and the #squatforchange hashtag has since gone viral. And the publicity is finally making the powers-that-be sit up and take notice.

Ribbed For Her Pleasure

If you’ve ever bought condoms you are keenly aware of the types of “enhancements” Big Condom embeds in their rubbers to trick you into thinking at least someone is going like the way they feel. But in the Caribbean, men are taking sexual enhancement into their own hands—quite literally—and embedding beads directly into their penises. Needless to say, doctors are worried.

Sir, Pull the Cooler Over

Did you know that you can get a DUI on a Bird or any other e-scooter? Don’t scoot while drunk! Eh, there’s a good chance you already knew that. But I bet you didn’t know you can also get a DUI on a lot of less obvious conveyances. Like:

• Coolers.
• Barbie Power Wheels.
• Motorized Bar Stools.
• La-Z-Boys.
• A horse (of course).

Read all about the drunken buffoons who have been pulled over for DUIs in their wacky rides, here.

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Jeff Gross

Jeff Gross is MEL’s senior editor for social media and content marketing. His daily ICYMI column, which chronicles all things meta on the site, is the quickest way to catch up on MEL, and the funniest thing you’ll read all day. Follow him on Twitter.