In another perfectly ordinary turn of events for the current administration, adult film star Stormy Daniels has officially confirmed that the president’s dick resembles a mushroom.
Exhales, slowly.
Not knowing what else to do anymore, we took to the PornHub comments section to find out what all of those masturbators (and political commentators) think about such fungal-looking dongs. Here’s what we found out…
The Commenter Who NEEDS a Mushroom in Their Mouth
“I need that beautiful mushroom head in my mouth,” commenter Muskulari writes in response to the 2m46s classic, My Mushroom Hammer Shooting Ropes. “I’d swallow every drop of that load.” Cool!
The Commenter Who’s Sad About the Lack of Mushroom Cock Content
“I’m sad that there aren’t more hot MUSHROOM HEAD cock videos available online,” commenter SFBayDude writes underneath the seminal Mushroom Huge Cock Teen Cim Vick. “My boyfriend and his brother have huge mushroom caps on their cocks, and I think it’s the hottest thing ever. If you have a big mushroom head, make a video and post it, boy!” Noted!
The Commenter Who’s an Expert in Mushroom-Cock Sex
“Having a big mushroom is nice to get the right angle and drag the big ridge on top of the head back and forth across the G-spot,” commenter iluvcunny educates us in the surprisingly lively comments section of the same Mushroom Huge Cock Teen Cim Vick video. “It makes a ‘BUMPITY-BUMPITY-BUMPITY’ that makes you go crazy. Another way to use the corona (the term for the flared edge) is to drag it in-and-out riiiiiiight at the mouth of your vagina. THAT part makes me go insane because in addition to driving you nuts on that swelled knob going in-and-out, it makes your inner labia do this crazy in/out flip/flop. You can see.”
The Commenter Who Thinks Mushrooms Heads Are a Mutation
But all isn’t harmonious in the comments section for Mushroom Huge Cock Teen Cim Vick! Buttholez2 storms in with one simple, derogatory message to burn the place down: “#Chernobyl benefits.”
The Commenters Bonding (?) over Mushrooms
“Big mushroom,” commenter AwkwardLOL awkwardly lols underneath Women Love Shiny Mushroomhead. Billybobadass firmly responds to AwkwardLOL: “You love big mushroom helmets.” Yeah they do!!!!!!
The Mushroom Commenter Who (Kinda) Compliments a Mushroom Blowjob
“She polished your mushroom head damn well,” magicMushroomHead writes in response to Naughty Neighbor in Orange County Loves Daddy’s Mushroom Helmet. “Even if she thinks cum is gross.”
The Commenter Who Thinks Mushrooms Are Beautiful
“Such a fucking beautiful fat mushroom,” commenter TrannyPerv ejaculates beneath Orange County Mushroom Daddy. You’re going to make Daddy blush!
The Commenter Who Wants a Mushroom to Stretch Their Tight Hole
“id love to feel that big mushroom head stretch out my tight hole,” commenter countryboyohio85 writes underneath Huge Load From Daddy’s Big Mushroom Head. Truer words, countryboyohio85!
The Commenter with a Mushroom in Dire Need of Sucking
Commenter Billybobadass is back again, this time with a call to action underneath Drooling Hard Mushroom Headed Cock: “My mushroom helmet needs a set of hungry lips. Anyone in Orange County Ca hit me up.” We can’t wait to see how this one develops!
The Commenter Who Wishes They Had a Mushroom Cock
“I wish my dick had a big mushroom head like that,” commenter biaedi writes underneath a video titled Big Mushroom Cock Get a Nice Blowjob. #relatable
The Commenter Who Wishes They Had a Mushroom Cock in Their Mouth
“She’s so hot and sucks that cock so good, but I wouldn’t mind being in her position, pleasing that big sexy cock,” commenter khole1986 writes in response to Big Mushroom Cock Get a Nice Blowjob. “That long thick shaft and that fat mushroom head would feel so good in my mouth. I would slurp up all his cum and beg for more.” I feel so much better knowing this to be the case!
The… I’m Not Even Really Sure
“Tighten my assorted around the mushroom and never let go until fully drained mmmmm,” mike522 writes underneath a video titled Mushroom Head Cum. My assorted clenched in excitement just reading that!
Ian Lecklitner
Ian Lecklitner is a staff writer at MEL Magazine. He mostly writes about everyone's favorite things: Sex, drugs and food.
