11-5

Why It’s a Bad Time to Invest in Weed Stocks, Bro-on-Bro Kissing and a Queueing Expert Explains How to Vote Like a Boss

So yeah, for this piece on the best way to get in and out of the polls tomorrow without going insane, we spoke to a political science professor at MIT whose expertise is in “queuing.” That is, waiting in line. He’s written several papers on the subject.

How does one specialize in how to wait in line? I mean, you just stand there and wait your turn, don’t you? My mind is boggled. Normally, I’d write off a queuing expert as a quack just on principle, but this guy teaches at MIT, possibly the premier technical school in the country, if not the world. So you’ve got to believe he’s legit, right?

Check out the actually-quite-useful advice he dishes out for those of you headed to vote tomorrow, as well as everything else from today, below.

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“The New Economy of ‘Pot Stock’ Day Traders Are Taking a Beating in the Market”
Since Washington and Colorado became the first states to legalize recreational marijuana in 2012, a new class of investor has emerged: The online pot-stock trader. While there are some big names in the pot market — like Peter Thiel, for instance — most of the trading comes from small fish playing penny stocks. And since Canada decided to legalize back in September, the money’s been good — real good. But in just the last few weeks, the bull market has given way to a bear, leaving those small fish panicked. READ MORE

A Film Critic On… ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’

On the the problem with rock biopics: “Rock biopics are bad — they’re true stories turned into totems, and they’re all churned out the same way following the same formula.”

On the mindset you need to like this movie: “Rock biopics are best suited to those who really like music but don’t have a personal investment in the specific artist being depicted. Thankfully, I don’t care about Queen at all.”

On liking Bohemian Rhapsody despite its best efforts:

On being stupid, and knowing it: “While Bohemian Rhapsody is terribly clichéd, it seems to wink at all its stupid clichés as if to say, ‘Here are all the scenes you’re expecting — we’re at least going to have some fun with them.’”

On humor: “It’s one of the rare rock biopics that actually has a sense of humor about itself.”

On realism:Bohemian Rhapsody isn’t remotely accurate to human behavior — but it’s dead-on about what the fantasy of the rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle feels like to all of us who will never experience it ourselves.”

On the film’s one major letdown: “It’s a shame that the movie distorts the singer’s sexual identity in the name of narrative expediency — or worse, a fear that audiences couldn’t ‘handle’ that core element of his being.”

Read the rest of Tim Grierson’s take on Bohemian Rhapsody, here  —  including a mini-review of Queen’s seminal Live Aid performance in 1985; a look back on Rami Malek’s pre-Rhapsody career; and why Wayne’s World almost didn’t include “Bohemian Rhapsody” on its famous soundtrack.

Oldies But Goldies

American men are waiting longer and longer to have kids. Probably because life is expensive, and this country is going to shit. But regardless, the average age of first-time fathers was up to 30.9 in 2015, compared to 27.4 in 1972. So is waiting until you’re well into middle age to have your first child a terrible move? These guys all waited until they were over 40 to have kids, and according to them, these are the best and worst things about their decision.

Red Bull Gives You Wings… And Lots and Lots of Sugar

Coders can’t code without it. Partiers can’t party if it’s not on the menu. Extreme sports bros can’t get extreme if… well, you get the idea. Red Bull is the king of all energy drinks, but what’s in the stuff? Let’s take a look:

That ingredient list is actually kind of okay. With the notable exception of Red Bull’s sugar content, which is also extreme — like, each can is the sugar equivalent of eating a Snickers bar kind of extreme. So if you’re going to drink some, consider grabbing the sugar-free option.

Here’s everything else in Red Bull — including what the hell taurine, inositol and pyridoxine HCI are — explained.

We Are All Woozy Face

Most guys suck at taking photos. Personally, I think it’s because we’re terrible at fake-smiling convincingly. Thankfully, the people responsible for creating emojis (emoji people?) felt our pain, which is why in the latest and greatest iOS update included an emoji we guys who take bad photos can all get behind: Woozy Face.

This is My Angry Voice

Are you the kind of person who gets loud when you’re angry? Or do you quietly seethe? What you sound like when you’re pissed off has a lot to do with your levels of stress and emotion, and the effect those feelings have on your body.

Pucker Up, Bro

Guys are totally making out with other guys in college now. That, according to a new study that found that hetero-on-hetero kissing among college men was way up. And while the conservative contingent might paint this as just another ugly side-effect of feminism or the erosion of classical masculinity, don’t listen to them — because straight bros kissing other bros is actually an indication of something really positive.

Pwning the Kids

If you have children, you know: Whatever you tell them to do, they’re going to go ahead and do the exact opposite. So why not use that knowledge against them? A little reverse psychology goes a long way, and it’s helped these parents get their kids out of bed, eat their goddamned soup and not say the F-word. Little fuckers.

Vote Smarter, Not Harder

If I’ve said it once, I’ll say it 100 times: Going to the polls on election day is for dummies. That’s why I, an intellectual, vote by mail in the comfort of my jammies while sipping cold brew and watching The Great British Baking Show.

But if you forgot to sign up to vote by mail, or you’re one of those idealists who *shudder* enjoy the act of going to the polls, it doesn’t have to be a slog that it otherwise would be. We spoke to MIT’s premier queueing expert — yes, a dude who studies standing in lines for a living — to help us understand when the best time to vote actually is, and how to get through the wait once you’re there.