Which would you least prefer to overrun your town: Turkeys or geese? They’re both rather terrifying birds. Geese, for example, will savagely chase you down even if you’re minding your own business, like this poor schmo:
Turkeys, on the other hand, aren’t satisfied with assaulting your person. That would be too easy a kill. No, they’d much rather do battle with your whip:
I’m not sure about you, but a bird that thinks it can peck your two-ton steel car into submission is one animal I’d rather not get on the bad side of.
“I Lived Where Wild Turkeys Ruled the Town”
Sure, you could chalk this piece up as the recounting of a small central California town’s battle against a growing poultry menace, or you could call it what it is: A classic Miles Klee allegory about Man’s uncertain grip on the Planet Earth, the fate of humankind and the species of bird whose resurgence and violent insurrection against those who would turn them into food became a harbinger of our own demise. READ MORE
Starrcade: The Thanksgiving Wrestling Supercard That Might Have Been
Football hasn’t always been Thanksgiving’s sport du jour. If it wasn’t for a few poor decisions in the late-1980s and the considerable leverage of the WWE’s Vince McMahon, you might be taking in some pile drivers and body slams with your turkey and stuffing instead of touchdowns and interceptions.
Let’s Get it On
Thanksgiving isn’t just the day where we officially take time to give thanks and bless the harvest, unofficially try to consume as many calories in one day as is humanly possible and un-unofficially celebrate this nation’s tradition of pillaging and plundering. It’s also the day when we kick off the start of baby-making season. And boy, does the sex really ramp up quick.
Pie, Pie, Me-Oh My
When it comes to the big meal, I’ve always been more of a savory, give-me-all-the-sides guy. Pie is the kind of Thanksgiving dish I could definitely skip. But if you like a warm slice of pie as the cherry on top of your calorie sundae, it’d be nice to know what type is going to do the least amount of damage. Spoiler alert: It isn’t apple.
Reddi-wip it Real Good
Speaking of pie, contrary to popular belief and what every neuron in your brain is telling you, Reddi-wip isn’t actually that bad for you.
Truth be told, it isn’t actually good for you, either. Duh: It’s cream and sugar. But according to the nutritionist who was kind enough to break down all of these ingredients by what they are and how they interact with our bodies, the additional damage of a dollop of Reddi-wip on a slice of pie is surprisingly negligible.
You Don’t Have to Go Home (But You Can’t Stay Here)
Can’t get a Thanksgiving guest (looking at you, Aunt Jean and Uncle Frank) to leave? Jedi mind-trick them into thinking taking off is their idea, by saying something like this:
- “Wow, I’ve kept you here half the night! Why don’t I clean up while you all head home for some rest?”
- “Gosh, you’ve been held hostage here for hours! I’m sure you must be exhausted and ready to go home.”
They’ll be packing up their shit in no time.
Poor No More
Just because you’re no longer poor doesn’t mean you suddenly stop living like a poor person. All the habits you once carried — not going to the doctor, squeezing every bit of toothpaste out of the tube, leaving no rice grain unserved from the rice cooker, among many others — stay with you even if you come into some money.
Putting the “Alt” in Alt-Comedy
UnCabaret, Beth Lapides’ comedy show that invented alt-comedy in 1993, was groundbreaking not only because of its LGBTQ-friendly, multicultural cast, but also because it probed emotions and topics traditional stand-up wouldn’t touch. C. Brian Smith spoke to cast members Patton Oswalt and Terry Sweeney as well as Lapides at the recent 25th anniversary show about what made them want to ditch the easy joke for a much more complicated, introspective punchline.