turkey

Thanksgiving Is the Official Start of Baby-Making Season

We’re so horny for turkey

We celebrate all sorts of traditions when we gather for our Thanksgiving feasts, most of them reminiscent of family time. Football, for example, comes quickly to mind. But do you know what’s another Thanksgiving tradition that should come quickly to mind when we think of the seasonal feast?

It’s one you probably don’t associate with turkey, but you should. It’s as obvious as the fact that, imho, cranberry sauce is trash: Thanksgiving is the official kick-off to baby-making season.

I know, I know, you might’ve heard the conventional wisdom that says Christmas and/or New Year’s are the true baby-making holidays. And they are. But they’re not the only ones. In fact, neither is the most popular day for conception. The proof: The most common birthday for someone born in the U.S. is September 9th.

Let’s do the math. It takes 10 months to make a baby. (Another piece of incorrect conventional wisdom: A pregnancy lasts only nine months.) But even when we say a pregnancy lasts 40 weeks, that’s an average duration. Pregnancies can last anywhere from 36 weeks to 43 weeks. To be super specific about things, in a recent study to establish how long a pregnancy lasts in the U.S., researchers found the average was 38 weeks and 2 days.

That’s 9 1/2 months and 2 days.

These numbers matter for baby-making season, because if you count backward 40 weeks from the last week of August and the first week of September, you arrive at… Thanksgiving week.

Now, as you no doubt know, Thanksgiving isn’t a fixed holiday, but it has long been fixed as a tradition. Back in 1789, George Washington proclaimed it be celebrated. But Thomas Jefferson wasn’t down with Thanksgiving, and chose not to mark it when he was president. And so, the feast didn’t become an official U.S. holiday until 1863, when Abraham Lincoln proclaimed the fourth Thursday of November to be a national holiday for “Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens.”

Like this year, the earliest date that a “fourth Thursday” can fall on the calendar is November 22nd. When that and a pregnancy occur at the same time, the due date is the 21st most popular birthday — August 15th. (Here’s a calendar visualizer so you can check any date of the year to see how many babies are born that day.)

As for other unfixed Thanksgiving dates, if the holiday falls…

…on November 23rd, the due date is August 16th — the 36th most popular birthday.

…on November 25th, the due date is August 18th — the 53rd most popular birthday.

…on November 27th, the due date is August 20th — the 39th most popular birthday.

As promised, things only intensify as the holiday season proceeds.

For example, if she gets pregnant…

…on Christmas Eve, the due date is September 16th — the 9th most popular birthday.

…on Christmas Day, the due date is September 17th — the 4th most popular birthday.

…on Boxing Day (the day after Christmas), the due date is September 18th — the 10th most popular birthday.

For the record, the conception date for the most popular birthday in America — again, September 9th — is December 17th, giving further credence that office parties and extra-friendly holiday get-togethers inspire horny couples to twist the sheets with greater frequency.

How, though, does New Year’s Eve stack up? Do all those drunken shenanigans affect the baby-making numbers? Let’s see.

If she gets pregnant…

…on New Year’s Eve, the due date is September 23rd — the 14th most popular birthday.

…on New Year’s Day, the due date is September 24th — the 17th most popular birthday.

…on January 2nd, the due date is September 25th — the 25th most popular birthday.

…on January 3rd, the due date is September 26th — the 12th most popular birthday.

But then all that horniness and baby-making quickly starts to fall off.

If she gets pregnant…

…on January 5th, the due date is September 28th — the 85th most popular birthday.

…on January 7th, the due date is September 30th — the 95th most popular birthday.

…on January 14th, the due date is October 7th — the 118th most popular birthday.

…on January 21st, due date is October 14th — the 164st most popular birthday.

Surprisingly, things don’t pick up on Valentine’s Day.

If she gets pregnant…

…on February 14th, the due date is November 7th — the 125th most popular birthday.

…on February 15th, the due date is November 8th — the 155th most popular birthday.

…on February 16th, the due date is November 9th — the 233rd most popular birthday.

This pattern holds true with summertime holidays, too.

If she gets pregnant…

…on the Fourth of July, the due date is March 26th — the 271st most popular birthday.

…on July 5th, the due date is March 27th — the 201st most popular birthday.

…on July 6th, due date is March 28th — the 284th most popular birthday.

The same goes for pretty much every other notable holiday.

If she gets pregnant…

…on St. Patrick’s Day, the due date is December 8th — the 272nd most popular birthday.

…on Cinco de Mayo, the due date is January 26th — the 295th most popular birthday.

…on Veteran’s Day, the due date is August 4th — the 79th most popular birthday. (At least it seems like the veterans are getting rewarded for their service.)

Long story short: There’s likely as much sex in your future over the next couple of days as there is pumpkin pie because as all the math above shows, baby-making season starts on Thanksgiving and lasts until January 3rd.

I guess cuffing season is real as a crying baby.