April is Testicular Cancer Awareness Month, and we’re grabbing it right by the balls. Every day for the entire month, we will be publishing a new story aimed at getting men to better consider — and cherish — their family jewels in hopes of helping prevent a diagnosis that, if caught early enough, shouldn’t prove fatal. Read everything here.
For people without balls, the prospect of having something dangling outside of your body all the time might raise a number of questions. For example, is it uncomfortable to cross your legs? How do you ride a bike? Does it really hurt that badly when you get kicked in the nuts? It might also spark more philosophical thoughts — e.g., what’s it like knowing you could have the ability to father a child forever? What does it mean to have “big balls”? For those questioning their gender identity, imagining what it might be like to have balls may hit differently, too. When balls are a central part of the person you are, what would it feel like to finally see them swinging between your legs?
Ultimately, no matter the scenario, people will have their own weird and wonderful ideas of balls. So, as this month has been all about balls, what better way to round it out than by asking six people — from ballbusting dominatrixes to adult ball pit employees — to share the illuminating, sexy, meaningful and sometimes humorous assumptions they’ve made about what having balls is like?
‘I Can’t Imagine a Scenario That’s Made Better by the Inclusion of a Wrinkly, Hairy, Asymmetrical Bag of Smelly Orbs’
Ballbusting Stacy is a 25-year-old British domme who, as she tells it, “specializes in reducing men to tears through physical domination of their most vulnerable dangly organs.” Who better, then, to imagine what it might be like to have balls than someone whose career revolves around them.
When I have a man in front of me with his eyes closed, and I’m an instant away from jamming my boot into his bollocks as hard as I can, sometimes I’m inclined to wonder, “What brought him here?” It’s then, as he’s lying there on the ground trying not to vomit, that I have plenty of time to wonder what it’s like to have balls — and, I have to say, it doesn’t look very fun. I can’t imagine a scenario — sexy or otherwise — that’s made better by the inclusion of a wrinkly, hairy, asymmetrical bag of smelly orbs that can curl a man into a little ball with just the tiniest flick.
I also probably wouldn’t enjoy inflicting pain on the lads quite as much if I had balls and knew they could just turn around and punch me in my own ball sack. Part of the pleasure/shame of these boys is that they can’t do anything back to me, at least not with the same casual ease with which I dispense gut-churning ball agony. If I had the organs, I’d probably want to keep them as far away from a speeding boot or a large beating-cane as possible; I enjoy my domme-ing, but would I enjoy it if the shoe was on the other foot? I doubt it.
More broadly, if all women had balls, men would have invented much more elaborate ways of controlling people physically — and there’d probably be a lot more ball-related punishments throughout history. As if women weren’t already historically oppressed, it would have surely been made worse with an additional crippling weakness to take advantage of. Today, on a more cultural level, I bet it wouldn’t be quite as funny to see [someone] take it in the pebbles. Mainstream Western culture acts like it’s funny to see men get their testicles whacked because, I think, men have been and remain largely in power. Seeing a man get taken down a peg physically is enjoyable to us as a society. But in the case of women, no one laughs when they get beaten on film because women have already inherited a visual legacy of oppression. “Punching down,” as it were, isn’t funny or appropriate.
I don’t see any benefit of having balls — their only upside is that they produce sperm your whole life, unlike women, who have a limited supply of eggs. But then again, do you really want to be having kids when you’re approaching 80? Their biggest downside is how weak they are. The extreme sensitivity to touch, impact, heat and cold. They’re another organ vulnerable to cancer, and if I ever angered a wild mob, I’d be worried about them getting ripped off.
With that in mind, if I had balls for the day, I’d probably just relax in my dressing gown until midnight when my balls disappeared — hopefully for good. I might take a bath and watch them move by themselves. I guess that’s it.
‘I Just Feel It Would Be Uncomfortable and Unsightly in Clothing’
Pseudonymous Victoria is a fiftysomething mother of two and a personal stylist at a London department store. She’s never really thought about having balls before, but she’s more than happy to give it a go.
For me as a mother and woman in her late 40s… okay, mid-50s, I would say the feeling of having testicles would, on the one hand, be physically uncomfortable, because it’s all on the outside — you’ve got to strap them up into your boxers. I don’t know emotionally — obviously, they would give you more testosterone. And then there’s the mental side. How would it be? Would it change you? Would it change your attitude? I think it probably would. I just feel it would be uncomfortable and unsightly in clothing. You know, as a personal stylist, I have to say, it’s much easier to dress women as everything we have is on the inside.
‘I Imagine It Would Change My Center of Gravity’
Thirty-three-year-old Stevie Trixx is an FTM (female-to-male) companion and porn creator on OnlyFans and JustForFans. As a trans man with a vagina, Trixx has wondered what life might be like with balls — but isn’t interested in actually having them himself.
I don’t experience a lot of lower dysphoria, but being a trans man means having certain physical differences from other men. Having balls would mean just fitting in seamlessly and not having to deal with the little moments — like going to the bathroom or using the locker room — where I don’t quite fit in. If I did have them, I imagine it would change my center of gravity in a way. I think I tend to lead with my chest, but there’s a way that people with penises/balls walk from their groins. And there are run-off effects of that — the way others read you; your own confidence; the way you express yourself sexually. So I think I’d be a little different in that way.
If I had them for just one day, the first thing I would do… Maybe it’s the obvious choice, but I’d want to have sex! Immediately! Overall, though, the biggest benefit for me would just be fitting in seamlessly with other men. That said, having anything dangling off of you is a real vulnerability. I’m glad I don’t have to worry about that!
‘The Main Benefit of Having Them Would Be to Wee Anywhere’
Pseudonymous Helena, 23, works at an adult ball pit cocktail bar in London called Ballie Ballerson, so, like Ballbusting Stacy before her, she spends most of her time around balls — albeit big, plastic, colorful ones. Luckily, when asked to imagine what it would be like to have them, she knew which ones I meant.
I feel like every woman has probably imagined what it’s like to have balls because it’s so wildly different to what we have. Like, what on earth must it feel like just having balls there? I don’t understand how people with balls comfortably wear most trousers — so, practicality wise, I’d give them a 5/10 for comfort, though I don’t think I’m technically qualified to say that. Politically, socially and culturally, it’s a bit deeper, and I think I’d probably have a different life experience if I had balls. But, the main benefit of having them would be to wee anywhere (if we’re talking the whole package, that is); if you gotta go, then you have an easy-to-access funnel, and there’s so many more toilets/urinals available. The biggest downside would probably be that they’re just hanging there, and that’s not something I’d want — imagine getting them stuck in zips. Another downside is that you’d be a target for “boy banter,” when they kick each other in the balls — I’ve heard that’s pretty bad.
I constantly see men with their hands down their trousers day-to-day, so if I had them for one day, I’d want to see what all the fuss is about. What’s going on down there that they need to be touching at all times?! I’d probably also do that thing that went around TikTok about how boys make a little cup in the shower with their balls — that sounds fun.
‘Anytime I Wanted to Get Further in Life, I’d Slap Them Out on the Table’
London-based Liz (not her real name) is a personal assistant. Like Victoria, she’s never much pondered life with balls until now.
If I had balls, I imagine I’d sit on them quite a lot. But anytime I wanted to get further in life, I could slap them out on the table and I’d probably be promoted on the spot. In all seriousness, though, I don’t think just “having balls” is a way forward in life — there are plenty of people with balls who are discriminated against daily, but being a cis white male with balls would probably get me a pay rise and a high five. Either way, I’d quite like to have them to feel what it’s like to walk with them — I can’t understand how they don’t get in the way constantly. Like, the friction? I don’t get it. The main benefit of having them would be to shake them side to side so they jiggle, but the main downside would be getting them hit, because apparently it hurts. If I had them just for a day, I’d (consensually) get someone to put them in their mouth.
‘I’d Probably Be Wearing an Armored Codpiece Because I’d Be So Paranoid About Them Getting Crushed’
Quite often, I’ve wondered what it feels like to have your balls played with during sex. I know that some guys love it, and some are really not into it at all. When I’m working with a co-star for the first time, I always make sure to ask about their ball-play preference. I think I’d be in the “enjoys having my balls played with” camp. I’m into lots of touching, caressing and tickling during sex, so I bet I’d love having my big juicy balls (let’s be honest, if I were a dude I’d definitely have a big dick and balls) sucked and played with, too.
On a day-to-day basis, I think I’d be incredibly annoyed by my balls. I imagine them feeling like two shrunken-down, sweaty breasts hanging between my legs — too fragile and sensitive for their own good. To be honest, if I did have balls, I’d probably be wearing an armored codpiece everywhere I went because I’d be so paranoid about them getting crushed. But, if I had them just for the day, I’d wash, shave and moisturize them before anything else. I’m very specific about my morning skincare routine so, naturally, that would extend to my balls. And then I’d jerk off ASAP because I’d have to know what cumming with balls feels like!