Hogs are lubed, hips are thrusting and cum is coming when, suddenly, you spot a pair of eyes watching from the corner of your room. Is it a peeping Tom? A roaming cuck? A hallucination brought on by gas station sex pills?
Nope! Just your dog.
Anyone with a pet has, at one point, been caught in the act. But what do our animals think when they see us making sweet, sweet love? There are a couple theories, depending on what kind of pet you have.
For pets like fish and reptiles, which usually land on the less social end of the animal spectrum, they probably think things like, “Want food. Am snake.” You having sex is probably outside of their purview.
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Dogs and cats, on the other hand, may have their minds a little blown by the odd act of humans slapping their parts together, and might go into a sort of existential crisis mode, like so. As animal behaviorist Kyle Kittleson once explained to me, “Some dogs and cats may become stressed while witnessing two people engage with one another — they may cower or move to the opposite side of the room if the noise level becomes too much. The majority of pets will be fine staying in the same room as two people engage in sex, but for the few pets that may get riled up while you and your partner express your undying love, just give them a toy, a treat and their own room.”
In other words, your pet is likely thinking, “What the fuck is going on, bruh?”
If they appear stressed, that could also be a manifestation of jealousy at the fact that someone else is receiving so much, uh, attention from you. “Most of our pet’s strange behavior during sex comes from them being agitated because they’re jealous,” professional pet psychic and animal communication expert Amanda Reister told the Rooster. “Jealousy is a huge issue with animals in general. I don’t think people realize how much of a problem it really is. I’d say 75 percent of the cases I deal with are pets’ behavioral issues stemming from jealousy of the other people or animals in their owner’s lives.”
But if your pet seems more intrigued than anything else, that may just be them trying to wrap their cute little animal brain around your humping. “The dog senses the increased attention and emotion, and people usually aren’t moving and bouncing around so much,” Katherine Houpt, a professor emeritus of behavioral medicine at Cornell University’s College of Veterinary Medicine, told Fatherly. “It’s likely that they’re responding to the unusual activity.”
The same things can generally be said about you schlonging your own hog around your pets. Because dogs have such a strong sense of smell — cats do, too, although not to the same degree — they may come sniffing around when you whip out your parts and start stroking, sending all sorts of smells into the air. However, we have no evidence to suggest that these animals actually understand what human masturbation is. Even if they did, they certainly feel no embarrassment or shame in the same ways that we attach to things like masturbating — dogs and cats publicly masturbate, by humping and licking, all the time, and clearly have no problem at all doing so.
Still, for your own sake, you might as well close the door.