Every day, porn star and University of Southern California journalism grad student Tasha Reign wakes up to a curious string of emails from her fans, a devoted group of men and women she lovingly refers to as “Reigndeer.” Said Reigndeer ask her questions — so many questions — about her perspectives on sex, love, relationships and life itself, and as someone who’s had more firsthand experience in these areas than four adult women combined, she’s become uniquely up to the task of answering them. Once a week then, Tasha will select a few of these questions and grace us with her insight, advice and expert wisdom in the hopes that she can help you fuck and love long, too.
How can I tell if a porn star is actually enjoying the sex they’re having? I get really turned on by other people’s pleasure, but I’m never sure if they’re acting or not.
This question seems to always be on people’s minds. So let’s take a walk down memory lane. One day, I was on set for Brazzers (who no longer shoots with me because I’ve spoken out about their on-set work environment). After I got into hair and makeup, the director tried to take me for a ride in his car. I’d heard rumors about him, so I declined.
He reacted to my rejection by bullying me the entire day. When I wouldn’t budge, he locked me in a room with him and took away my phone. Though I was scared to death, I got out after attempting to remain calm (many other women have since spoken out about him doing things to them, too, by the way). When I got my hands back on my phone, I called my agent, who told me to walk off set and not shoot. But I was stuck in a really peculiar position: Why on earth would I not make my money that day and fulfill my role just because some man was bullying me? So I stayed.
I endured a really rocky day on set, and in retrospect, I should have left. I wasn’t in a good mood, and although the sex with my partner that day was okay, I was really acting. The tension on set was vile, the director was yelling at his crew and I couldn’t shake the trauma from the morning. Nevertheless, I had to pretend to have the best sex of my life. And I did. I pretended so well, in fact, that I’d still want you to watch that performance and enjoy it. I mean, it’s like a work of art.
That’s what this gig is, though. If a performer is good at their job, you shouldn’t be able to tell if they’re faking it or not. Every now and then, a little hint might sneak through the cracks — if it’s obvious that the role doesn’t call for eye rolls and miserable expressions but the performer is giving both, you could reason that they might be acting. But you’d really have to watch for things like that. Still, if you’re dead-set on sleuthing out every sign, I’d say look for body language that makes absolutely no sense for the scene. Other than that, you can’t really be sure.
More largely, if you’re really as concerned about a performer’s pleasure and safety as you seem, pay for porn through someone’s personal website (like mine). That’s one way to ensure you’re supporting the model and that the treatment on their set was most likely ethical. Because in such situations, they’re usually in control of the set themselves, meaning its very possible they got to cast their own partner and enjoyed the sex that much more.
I’m a guy who’s really into cuckolding, but I’m not sure how to bring it up to my wife. Even if she was into it, I wouldn’t really know where to start. Still, I’m dying to try it. Any tips?
Cuckolding is one of my favorite fetishes. I was introduced to it through my contract girl position at I Want Clips. At first, I was confused about the fantasy and felt a bit shameful about the whole thing — it wasn’t something anyone had ever explained to me. So originally, I felt more confused by it than excited. Even though I was working in porn and saw myself as pretty sex-positive, I had no idea that being consensually demeaned in front my partner even had a name (or a whole culture around it, for that matter). But when the time came for me to try it, I liked it so much more than I ever thought I could.
I’m what’s called a cuckquean, which means I’ve fantasized numerous times about my partner banging another woman in front of me and talking down to me while he was doing it. I’ve been getting really into the other side of the equation, too — imagining dominating my partner by fucking another person in front of him. I don’t know why this turns me on, but the why isn’t really what’s important here. What matters is that it’s hot.
It’s not always easy to bring up to a partner, though (especially because it involves either them or you having sex with someone else). Even tonight, when I mentioned it to my boyfriend, he laughed at me. He didn’t get it. He thought it was funny! So, I get why you might have some reservations about bringing it up to your wife.
But instead of bringing it up out of the blue like I did, see if she might be open to watching some adult films that have a cuck narrative with you (or by herself if that’s more comfortable for her). That way, you can use the story as an excuse to dive into the conversation and see what she thought of it, and cuckolding in general.
If she’s not down with XXX content, you’re going to have to be more direct. I’d sit her down and share your deepest fantasies with her, making sure to start off by asking her what hers are and having a productive conversation about them first so you’re taking care to honor her sexuality in the way you’re hoping she’ll honor yours.
Then, when it’s your turn, explain to her that you have a deep desire to pursue cuckolding. Make it clear what position you’re interested in taking — do you want to be the cuck (the guy who watches), or do want her to watch you have sex with another person? Be pretty explicit with her about why this turns you on and what you want to get out of it. Explain to her how turned on it makes you and how you’d be honored to be able to play her slave. The more your wife understands where your desires come from — and the clearer it is to her that you’ve thought them through — the more accepting of them she’s likely to be.
A few more tips:
- Get comfortable with the idea that you’re not alone in getting turned on from being demeaned. You’d be surprised to know how many people have this fantasy every single day with me online. It’s by far one of the most popular.
- Join a site like www.iwantclips.com. The actresses there specialize in cuckolding. They’re familiar with slaves and beginners who want to get into the world of kink and roleplay. It might be fun and educational, then, to try out cuckolding with an expert so that when it’s game time, you can really let go.
- Familiarize yourself with cuckolding lingo and nicknames like “Beta” and “Alpha” so you can learn to verbalize your desires.
- Rid yourself of any shame around this kinky fetish you may have. If your wife isn’t open to experimenting with it, that’s fine, but continue to fantasize about it as much as you want because your desires are important even if they’re not being carried out.
Every time I find a person I like on a dating app, we make plans to meet up, only for them to flake beforehand. I’m getting really disheartened. Why do people do that? Am I doing something wrong?
People get nervous about meeting someone they don’t know. When the decision comes down to whether or not it would be easier to show face or bail, bailing is always easier. It just happens. You’re probably not doing anything wrong, either. Everyone on dating apps experiences this situation — my boyfriend told me that this used to happen to him all the time.
I’ve bailed plenty of times myself. Once, I got so nervous to go on a last-minute hike with a Bumble date that I drove to meet him, said hello for a second, then drove away and blocked his number. I felt so badly about it that I unblocked the poor guy later, explained why I was scared (the hike was isolated and he seemed upset that I was late) and met him for drinks at a bar another day. In that case, bailing was a safety thing, but there are plenty of people who just want attention on apps and aren’t actually serious about meeting up.
When I give advice about dating apps, I always lead with the statistical component. That is, the more dates you attempt to go on, the more dates you will actually go on. The more dates you go on, the higher the chance you’ll have of meeting a suitable match. But at the same time, the more you date, the more bad dates you expose yourself to. You also put yourself in the path of a greater number of bailers, and therefore, are more likely to get ditched. It’s just the nature of the beast.
I really think app dating is only for the resilient. I had to go on so many dates before I found my boyfriend on Hinge that I almost gave up. I mean, imagine going to dinner with someone you like only to feel judged for what you do, or like they’re only trying to date you so they can say they fucked a porn star. It sucked. Truly. But stick with it. Put all the bailing behind you and do what I did: Get up, get ready and go meat your future person. I’ve now been with my partner for a year and we’re going engagement ring shopping in a couple weeks! I couldn’t be happier.
Feel free to send me your sex, love and relationship questions at firstname.lastname@example.org!