One late fall evening in 2004, a dozen horny young Parisian women stormed the city’s Père Lachaise cemetery with banners and megaphones to fight for their right to fuck a statue. Days earlier, city authorities had built protective fencing around the memorial sculpture of Victor Noir, a French journalist murdered in 1870. The reason? Women had dry-humped the statue’s dick so much that the groin had literally oxidized. “Lift the barriers,” chanted the women. “Victor, we want your body!”
Apparently scared by the angry, amorous protestors, authorities removed the barriers. And so, today, anyone can fuck Noir’s statue, and believe me, they do — there are no exact stats on how many have, but he’s so popular that even Dita Von Teese has straddled his infamous bronze cock.
Truly deranged scenes like this have become commonplace over the last few decades. Because of its big, bulging hog, Noir’s statue has achieved mythical status as a fertility symbol. In a broader context, this is hardly a surprise — people do post-coital headstands and ingest parasitic worms in the hopes of boosting their chances of pregnancy, so grinding up against the dick of a sculpture is pretty tame in comparison.
What sets Noir’s statue apart, however, is the extreme specificity of the folklore. According to European Cemeteries Route, “It is believed that if a woman kisses the statue of Victor Noir on the lips, rubs the bulge in his trousers and drops a flower in his hat, it will bring her enhanced fertility and a blissful sex life.” If you’re looking to get pregnant, apparently the fail-safe solution is to rub the sculpture’s feet — the right foot for one baby, the left if you want twins. Women who get knocked up after giving Noir a foot rub even come back to his grave, leaving photos of their kids and gifts by the gravestone.
He might be a global sex symbol now, but Noir was pretty unknown before his murder and his posthumous notoriety. In 1869, he joined weekly French newspaper La Marseillaise as an apprentice journalist; a year later, he was caught in the crossfire of political scandal and shot dead by a relative of then-emperor Napoleon III. Noir became a martyr, and his funeral attracted tens of thousands of attendees, who seized the opportunity to protest the violence of the imperial regime.
Shortly after, a sculpture was commissioned — but it’s still not known exactly why his statue is so well-hung (or why his dick is visible at all). Père Lachaise is home to legends like Jim Morrison and Oscar Wilde, but none of their memorial statues can compete with Noir’s girthy hog.
The turgid masterpiece is the work of acclaimed 19th century French sculptor Jules Dalou, known for his tasteful nudes. Big naturals are his bread and butter, though — his rare male nudes are generally pretty shy, either crouched over to preserve their modesty or proudly sporting small, flaccid dicks. Noir is a clear anomaly, and it’s likely we’ll never know what inspired Dalou’s decision to make his memorial sculpture so phallically gifted — there aren’t even any plausible theories.
Again, authorities have tried and failed to protect the statue from being defaced, but lusty visitors worldwide still can’t resist rubbing up against this statuesque sex symbol. His lips and cock are completely oxidized, their burnished bronze coloring a testament to the endless dry-humping the sculpture has endured. Noir’s body may be resting in peace, but it’s clear his rock-hard sculpture is still having the time of its life.