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We Shouldn’t Even Need to Say This, But Don’t Put Toothpaste On Your Dick

Please just buy some damn lube and lidocaine

If Healthline is already publishing warnings against it, way too many people are out here putting toothpaste on their dicks. What could the reasoning for this possibly be? 

According to the redditors who’ve tried it, their goals include: numbing their dicks to last longer; using it as DIY lubricant; and trying to impress a Tinder girl who dared you to do so via Snapchat. While that last one is an honorable endeavor, the first two are truly illogical. Regardless of purpose, though, it seems that everyone who has tried it has discovered that it’s not at all worth it. 

Beyond just obviously not working (the guy who did it after a girl requested it was immediately blocked afterwards), it could rather easily give you a rash. As one doctor explained, you could even scar your penis skin or get a bacterial infection

TIFU by putting toothpaste on my dick and sending it to a girl from tifu

“Toothpaste has chemicals, bleach and oils, such as peppermint oil, that are caustic and can burn sensitive skin,” urologist Paul C. Thur told Healthline. “If you have a break in your skin, you may even get cellulitis, a potentially serious bacterial infection. In some instances, this can cause disfigurement, such as penile scarring. All of this can lead to loss of sensation.” 

Basically, toothpaste could break your dick, which is pretty much as bad as it could get. No point in lasting longer if your dick is completely fucked up! Even if nothing permanent happens to you, there’s still a decent chance that you’ll at least hurt yourself or your partner. According to one Reddit post from someone who attempted to use toothpaste as lube, the author was “jacking it caveman style with just my hand” in the shower when they came to the realization that some condoms promote a “tingling” sensation that’s almost vaguely minty. So Mr. Genius here decided to dollop a “slug size” amount of toothpaste onto his penis and masturbate with it, topping it off with a second dose halfway through. To get to the point, he ended up in pain for days, culminating with an entirely scabbed-over dick. The toothpaste essentially exfoliated off his dick skin. He healed fine, but it sounds horrendous. 

TIFU by using toothpaste as lube from tifu

Now imagine how much worse that would be if he somehow managed to have a partner involved. Imagine if that toothpaste hit the delicate interior walls of a vagina or anus. The horror! If you’re truly concerned about lasting longer, there are a variety of safer products on the market designed specifically for this. Medical-grade lidocaine cream is considered safe for penises. If you’re in need of a last-minute lube, lotions or even cooking oils are a better choice than toothpaste, particularly if you’re solo. (Be careful with a partner, though, as anything with added fragrance should stay away from orifices and oils can cause condoms to break.)

My main question is, why would you even put anything called a “paste” onto your penis? Those two things just don’t go together. Toothpaste is basically mild sandpaper for your teeth. What’s next, jackin it with some St. Ives Apricot Scrub? Get some help. Buy some real lube, some lidocaine cream and grow up. And the next time some Tinder hottie adds you on Snapchat and asks you to put toothpaste on your dick, think twice.