Personally, I’m amazed that e-scooters have grown as popular as they have. I get the convenience; I get the environmental argument that riding a scooter beats taking a gas-guzzling Uber. But dang it if flying through traffic on one of those things isn’t low-key terrifying.
The only time I would really want to take one is when I’m drunk, but after getting the wobbles riding one sober — plus the fact that they turn off at night — I know that’ll never happen.
So I guess what this all means is I now know what it’s like to watch a technology pass me by. Frankly, I’m not even mad.
Must Read
“This Eccentric Academic Thinks the Zodiac Killer Is a Hoax”
Everybody knows the Zodiac killed five people in the Bay Area between December 1968 and October 1969. What retired community college professor Thomas Henry Horan presupposes is, maybe he didn’t? Or, more specifically, that the murders of David Faraday, Betty Lou Jensen, Michael Mageau, Bryan Hartnell and Paul Stine weren’t the evil-doing of one killer with a thing for riddles, but a combination of hoaxes, drug deals gone wrong and copycats. An opinion that has made Horan the arch-nemesis of Zodiac sleuthers hellbent on solving America’s most famous cold case. READ MORE
A Film Critic on… ‘The Mule’
On what it is: “[Korean War veteran Earl] stumbles into a job as a drug courier for a Mexican cartel. Power struggles and an encroaching DEA investigation threaten Earl’s safety and freedom as he tries to stay a step ahead of everyone. With danger looming around every corner, this octogenarian is looking for a way out.”
On the film’s “this shit again???” plot: “The Mule’s valedictory spirit isn’t new for Eastwood. For almost a third of his life, he’s been making films that cast him as lone-wolf characters saying farewell to the world they once knew.”
On art imitating life: “Earl’s not too fond of newfangled things like millennials and the internet.”
On what usually happens in Eastwood’s films: “Eastwood’s protagonists stand defiant, despite being out of step — and so his movies’ need to end with that proverbial walk into the sunset suggests an ennobling of these characters, a sanctifying of their ultimate rightness.”
On when we might get a reprieve from this film’s — and Eastwood’s — tired trope: “One day, Clint Eastwood will die.”
Read the rest of Tim Grierson’s take on The Mule, here — including a brief digression on the Unforgiven actor’s surprisingly good pipes; how A Star is Born almost became a Clint Eastwood joint; and a look at the life of Leo Sharp, the real-life drug runner The Mule is based on.
Thanos Did Nothing Wrong
Have superhero movies jumped the shark? Should we even be mad at Marvel baddie Thanos for cutting the ever-growing roster of Avengers in half as long as it means avoiding another lukewarm Vision/Gamora/Scarlet Witch/etc. spin-off? Miles Klee argues that an MCU that is “perfectly balanced, as all things should be” is something we should all agree on.
I Do Believe…
…that an all-female Miss Universe panel, while an admirable attempt to reclaim a pageant that has long been seen as retrograde, doesn’t actually do much to address its questionable gender politics. That can’t and won’t change as long we’re all still judging who’s got the best boobs and ass in the galaxy.
Eggnog is Bad, and You Should Feel Bad For Consuming It
Excuse me for gatekeeping, but eggnog is gross and I’m right and you’re wrong.
Just look at those garbage ingredients. If you tasked me with making “diabetic soup,” this would be the most effective combination of crap I could’ve come up with. Sure, there’s nothing in there that is as objectively frightening as, say, what’s in Twinkies. But here’s why, when you add it all up, you should be afraid — very afraid, indeed.
I’ve Made a Huge Mistake
Considering how monumental a decision it is to get a vasectomy, most guys who have gotten snipped don’t regret it, with just five percent of patients seeking a reversal. So when they do regret it, you can’t help but wonder what went wrong — which is why we asked several to open up about their experiences.
Bird-ing For Dummies
E-scooters are no joke. Maintaining your balance on those two-wheeled death traps takes serious practice. And don’t think you’ll get any help from Bird’s own riding instructions:
- “Stand on Bird, push-off, then push throttle button with thumb to ride.”
- “Place both feet on footboard while riding.”
If you think that’s all it takes to ride, prepare to meet the same fate as this poor lady:
Yikes. So, with your safety in mind, we’ve put together a couple do’s and don’ts when attempting to ride a Bird scooter for the first time. Feel free to thank us later.
Tis the Season for Heart Attacks
It’s been said that Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year. To which I say, Christmas, YA SUSPECT.
The holidays are only wonderful if you get through them without keeling over. That’s because, according to a new study, “acute experience of anger, anxiety, sadness, grief and stress” — basically, Christmas Eve dinner in my house — “increases the risk of myocardial infarction.”
Is it January yet?
From the MEL Archives
The big news over the weekend was that White House Senior Advisor Stephen Miller went out and got himself new hair, and it is wack af. Just look at this shit:
#facethenation Stephen Miller sporting the worst case of spray-on hair I have ever seen.
The glory and horror of HDTV. pic.twitter.com/KqhVfzRPWf— Futuropolist (@futuropolist) December 16, 2018
But he’s hardly the first guy to go to extreme lengths to cover up a bald spot — in fact, as we wrote two years ago, some of these bald-spot miracle cures are downright ingenious.
In more weekend news, a museum in Western Australia acquired a glory hole to be shown as one of its exhibits, and people are shocked! Shocked because a glory hole can’t possibly have any historical significance; it’s just a tacky byproduct of illegal sex. That would be wrong, however: Last year C. Brian Smith found that glory holes do have quite the history.
Jeff Gross
Jeff Gross is MEL’s senior editor for social media and content marketing. His daily ICYMI column, which chronicles all things meta on the site, is the quickest way to catch up on MEL, and the funniest thing you’ll read all day. Follow him on Twitter.
