Two years ago, I wrote about Rivelino — a man who, for more than a decade, has straddled the line between authentic cringe and rarefied shitposting. A rogue icon of the Manosphere, the fortysomething divorcé projects the energy of a cocksure pickup artist while offering far more than tips on how to sleep with women: His philosophy sets out a vision of heteronormative balance wherein women are servants to men in the bedroom, kitchen and, crucially, public life.
Rivelino’s greatest contribution to gender studies and meme culture is his Green Line Theory, which holds that the psychosexual power dynamic of any relationship can be read in how people stand or sit together. A strong alpha man, he believes, always holds himself ramrod straight, while a weak one will “lean in” toward his partner’s upright posture. To show us what he means, he endlessly diagrams photos of celebrity couples, marking everyone’s telltale angles.
It bears repeating that however seriously Rivelino takes his ideas, he’s also a committed troll. Consider his green line analysis of John F. Kennedy Jr. leaning toward his wife Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy on their wedding day, which he has captioned, “They are no longer together.” The pair died, along with Carolyn’s sister Lauren, in a plane crash off Martha’s Vineyard in 1999, so attributing the end of the relationship to body language is an edgy joke in classic Rivelino tradition — something that leaves you wondering about his true motives in crafting the online character he’s become. You know it’s a performance, but just what effect is it supposed to have?
Maybe it’s a simple matter of keeping us invested in a bizarre and increasingly baroque system of reading other people. That we can’t shake Rivelino’s aesthetic may be the point — as he often winkingly suggests. No wonder 2021 saw him introduce compelling new green stuff.
The first of his breakthroughs concerns the alignment of cock and pussy. As a man, it is no longer good enough to be standing firm and tall; your junk should also be facing the camera. Meanwhile, if a woman’s pussy “faces the world” instead of her male partner, it reveals her promiscuity and his lack of dominance over her. This enhancement of Rivelino’s best-known thesis soon led him to diagnose another male deficiency: cock shame. When a man poses in such a way as to “cover” his genitalia — with or without another person — he shows weakness.
Eventually, Rivelino found a synthesis for these strains of thought in Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith, whose unusual marriage came under redoubled scrutiny after Will slapped Chris Rock at the Oscars over a joke about Jada. According to our boy, they exhibit every kind of problem.
And that’s not all! Men should also be on the lookout for “The Claw,” whereby a woman asserts her control by gripping your neck or shoulder. She may gain a similar advantage if, while holding hands, her thumb is on the outside of yours. Whatever you do, though, men, don’t hide your own hands. Oh, and be wary of women who stick their tongues out. Am I forgetting anything?
Phew. I’m not sure how ol’ Riv keeps track of all this stuff — and I’m not sure if the upgraded content has inspired anyone to drop $100 on a 90-minute Telegram consultation with the man himself. But when Dua Lipa asks me on a date, I guess I’ll tell her to take a hike. Thanks, buddy!
On the one hand, it’s nice to see Rivelino continuing to embellish and innovate. You wouldn’t want to see him rest on his laurels, and it’s clearly been long enough since the green lines took off that he wants to blow our minds again. Dumbfounded reactions are what sustain him. Though I can’t help feeling a lot of the latest riffs are somewhat derivative, with diminishing returns. Plus, the more rules added to the Book of Rivelino, the more certain he is to break them by accident.
Which reminds me: We’ve still never seen a photo of him demonstrating the Tom Cruise-level Chad stance, either alone or with a companion. It’s high time he stepped out of the shadows and gave us a masculine role model of substance. The posts and branded merch are fantastic, don’t get me wrong — yet they only go so far. Arise, Rivelino, and be crowned king among men disgusted by women who have tattoos, wear Vans and enjoy cunnilingus.
Yes, it’s hard to fathom why a guy tweeting like this would refuse to show his face. But I won’t give up hope. After he reads this, Rivelino will probably draw green shit on pictures of me to criticize how I stand. I don’t mind. He wants me to do my best — and I want the same for him.
Miles Klee
Miles Klee is MEL’s resident tank-top dirtbag, shitposter and meme expert. He’s also the author of the novel ‘Ivyland’ and a story collection, ‘True False.’
