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Sunday Reads: St. Patrick’s Day Survival Guide Edition

You did survive, right?

I’m not Irish, I don’t eat meat and I’m not a fan of whiskeys or stouts. That said, I don’t hate on St. Patrick’s Day. I am from Massachusetts after all, home to some of the biggest festivities outside of Dublin. My first time getting drunk was at the St. Patrick’s Day Parade in Holyoke, Massachusetts, so, in a way, the day holds some sentimental value for me. The fact is, whether you participate in the holiday or not, you’re most likely subjected to its shenanigans. Which makes it all the more important to understand it — otherwise, how else will you survive it?

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“What The Feck Is A Leprauchan, Anyway?”
Americans get a lot of shit wrong about St. Patrick’s Day, but one of the weirdest, most inexplicable fuck-ups is our fixation on leprechauns. Second to Jameson and Guinness, when we think “Irish,” we think “leprechauns.” But as Chris Bourn discovered, that association is — how do you say? — exaggerated. Still, plenty of Irish do have at least some affection for the mischievous, gold-loving gnome.

Speaking of Leprechauns…

Here’s a guide on how to wear green without looking like a sick leprechaun on St. Patrick’s Day:

And Speaking of Sick Leprechauns…

If you’re the kind of person who wakes up every morning ready to get after Paddy the Leprechaun’s lucky charms, here’s an overview of every ingredient that’s in Lucky Charms, and what they’re doing to your body. (Spoiler alert: There’s a ton of sugar at the end of that little feller’s rainbow.)

Five Easy Ways to Be a Better St. Paddy’s Day Drunk

1) Never forget the hell your bartender is living in. These stories from three bartenders on what it’s like to work the holiday are a reminder to not be a dick, tip well and please, please, please make it to the garbage can/toilet if you’re gonna puke.

2) Soak up your Guinness. Ideally, with a big Irish feast of potatoes and corned beef. Here’s how to prepare them, even when you’re distracted by the very drunks who so very badly need that food base to even them out.

3) Remember that alcohol can make you horny. And sometimes, horny people think, Pssh, I don’t need a condom. Don’t be one of those people by allocating a sober friend as your sex gatekeeper.

4) Don’t let your hangover ruin you. Or better yet, don’t let your hangover cure — in this case, a super ingredient derived from the Japanese raisin tree — ruin you even more. (Trust us when we say that at the very least it’s gonna COMPLETELY ruin your breath.)

5) Confess your sins. You might be feeling some embarrassment over a variety of transgressions you committed over the last couple of days — throwing up in an Uber, drunk texting your ex, streaking, etc. That’s why we were sure to enlist a couple of priests to help free your guilty conscience.

Please Don’t Pinch Me, Even If I’m Irish

Strangely, St. Patrick’s Day is the one day of the year when it’s perfectly acceptable to pinch complete strangers — the traditional penance for not wearing green. But there are plenty of other ways to get pinched on St. Patrick’s Day — from being arrested, to having your seat at the bar pinched when you go take a Guinness-soaked leak, to pinching your pennies when you realize you have just enough money to cover your tab. Here then is what to do when you find yourself in such a pinch.

Be Kind To Redheads

A month ago, we reported that there’s never been a better time to be a redhead. That said, not everything is peaches and cream — or should I say, corned beef and cabbage — for redheads, particularly on St. Patrick’s Day. “It’s the one day of the year where, as a ginger man, I can expect random women to grab my ass and objectify me in public,” one redhead told Andrew Fiouzi. From the sounds of it, in fact, it seems only your bartender has it worse on this high Irish holiday.

Pot o’ Gold Coins at the End of the Rainbow

You can’t talk about St. Patrick’s Day or leprechauns and not mention gold, right? Well, if you’ve ever watched daytime TV, undoubtedly you’ve seen commercials advertising “rare commemorative coins,” often espousing the growing value of gold or silver. And how, after paying three easy payments of $29.95, one day your commemorative-coin investment will make you rich. This, of course, is all bullshit. And so, unless you’re merely a fan of collecting coins, these companies (especially those you see on TV) are probably just looking to scam the elderly.

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