I, like all red-blooded American males, wipe my dirty hands on my pants. The question is, why don’t you? Do you think you’re better than the rest of us? Are you so rich and successful that you’ve got unlimited napkins on your person, ready at a moment’s notice to whisk that Cheeto dust from your fingertips?
And what are pants good for, if not as stand-ins for a hand towel? They’re both generally made of cotton and built to absorb any substance you throw at them. You’re going to wash them later anyways, aren’t you? Would you prefer I wipe my garlicky digits on the little Fido or Patches? Is nothing sacred?
I’ve got questions, and you’re not inspiring much confidence that you’ve got the answers.
“Texting Is Out. Spontaneous FaceTime Is In.”
You aren’t still texting, are you? That’s, like, totally five years ago. These days, Gen-Zers are into spontaneously video-chatting each other, and if you want to play, you HAVE to pick up, whether you’re in the shower, at the library or smashing ass. It’s not a flash in the pan, either — for the under-24 crowd, eschewing texting for video calls is a way of life. But in recent weeks millennials have picked up on the trend, too, and as spontaneous FaceTime-ing has gone mainstream, it’s become the subject of debate about age and what side of the millennial generation you fall on. READ MORE
If you’re not the biggest fan of your boss, you’re not alone. Personally, my boss is a real nut-buster (Hey, watch it — Ed.). You might even want to exact some sort of revenge on your boss, but unfortunately the laws of decorum and, perhaps more importantly, HR would probably take issue with that. Thankfully, however, you don’t really need to. Because, these days, you can live vicariously through a new crop of YouTubers whose whole schtick is destroying expensive suits.
Theory: Early Adam Sandler Was An Anti-Capitalist Mole
We know that arguing the anti-capitalist bona fides of a guy famous for saying things like “stop looking at me, swan” and “he called the shit ‘poop’” is a stretch, but hear us out. Let’s examine the cult classic Billy Madison: Billy’s rich father bribed his teachers (Operation Varsity Blues, much?) to get him through school, and the movie’s villain is a crazed, gun-wielding suit with no ethics.
Now, if that doesn’t sound like a subtle-yet-timely critique of the capitalist order, I don’t know what does. And that’s just the start — Miles Klee’s got a ton more examples where those came from of how Sandler challenges the grim authority and corruption of the American empire.
This Is the End, My ‘Loser’ Friends, the End
Successful men, the cliché goes, aren’t friends with losers. That is to say, it’s believed that being around people who are generally negative — not the same thing as people who disagree with you, which is a good thing — will thwart your success. And so, the best thing you can do is break up with your more apathetic friends, and move on to a group that’s better suited to positively support you. But is that the right thing to do? Not to hedge bets, but it really all depends.
They FUCK You with the Bag Fees
Stop me if this sounds familiar: You’re on Hipmunk, Kayak or some other travel site, you purchase a bottom-dollar fare and when you get to the airport you’re hit with the news that, if you want to carry-on, you gotta pay. And if you want to check a bag, you’ve gotta pay. Basically, you’re gonna pay, one way or another, and that’s exactly how the baggage-fee system was designed. So where do the $4.6 billion in fees go? Let’s find out.
Ooh Ooh That Smell
You might have an otherwise perfect relationship with your significant other. They’re smart. They’re funny. They’re dynamite in the sack. But if they smell like a foot, your shit’s gonna be all fucked up. So how do you tell your partner they, like, could really use a shower, or better yet, a full delousing? Andrew Fiouzi put together this gentleman’s guide to help you do just that.
Who Needs a Napkin?
Here now, is a list of places a dude will wipe his hands (long before he’ll reach for a napkin):
- Pant legs (Pros: Wide wiping area; Cons: Visible stains)
- Undershirt (Pros: Consistency of a napkin; Cons: Not a napkin)
- Socks (Pros: Practically invisible; Cons: Covered in foot)
- Couch (Pros: It’s there; Cons: If you’re wiping your hands on it, you’re probably sleeping on it later)
- Back of your partner’s head (Pros: Funny for you; Cons: Not funny for your partner)
That’s just a few. And, as it turns out, it’s not on the list of the worst things you could do, as far as your health is concerned. But in terms of our grand social contract, you’re probably not doing yourself any favors.