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Spontaneous FaceTime-ing, Telling Your Partner They Stink and the Places Dudes Love to Wipe Their Grimy-Ass Hands

I, like all red-blooded American males, wipe my dirty hands on my pants. The question is, why don’t you? Do you think you’re better than the rest of us? Are you so rich and successful that you’ve got unlimited napkins on your person, ready at a moment’s notice to whisk that Cheeto dust from your fingertips?

And what are pants good for, if not as stand-ins for a hand towel? They’re both generally made of cotton and built to absorb any substance you throw at them. You’re going to wash them later anyways, aren’t you? Would you prefer I wipe my garlicky digits on the little Fido or Patches? Is nothing sacred?

I’ve got questions, and you’re not inspiring much confidence that you’ve got the answers.

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Suit Busted

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Theory: Early Adam Sandler Was An Anti-Capitalist Mole

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This Is the End, My ‘Loser’ Friends, the End

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They FUCK You with the Bag Fees

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Ooh Ooh That Smell

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Who Needs a Napkin?

Here now, is a list of places a dude will wipe his hands (long before he’ll reach for a napkin):

  1. Pant legs (Pros: Wide wiping area; Cons: Visible stains)
  2. Undershirt (Pros: Consistency of a napkin; Cons: Not a napkin)
  3. Socks (Pros: Practically invisible; Cons: Covered in foot)
  4. Couch (Pros: It’s there; Cons: If you’re wiping your hands on it, you’re probably sleeping on it later)
  5. Back of your partner’s head (Pros: Funny for you; Cons: Not funny for your partner)

That’s just a few. And, as it turns out, it’s not on the list of the worst things you could do, as far as your health is concerned. But in terms of our grand social contract, you’re probably not doing yourself any favors.