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Snowflake Diaries: How Do I Shrink My Load?

In the name of being a good ally, surely sometimes less is more

It isn’t a stretch to say that I’m not like other men in at least one major way: While most (all?) dudes want to know how to produce the biggest, ropiest, milkiest, thickest cum loads, I’m trying to figure out the opposite.

How do I know this isn’t the norm? Well, the internet, apart from being a cesspool, is also home to a veritable bukkake of content on how to make your loads bigger. We’ve written about it ourselves, in fact, in response to a recent study on men who experience high levels of relationship anxiety due to the volume of their ejaculate. The only reliable way to bigger loads, we suggested, was — along with living a healthier lifestyle — to give your body time to recover between orgams.

“The body can only recover so quickly — it wasn’t designed to have sex like a rabbit,” Jason Barritt, chief scientific officer and laboratory director at the Southern California Reproductive Center told MEL. “When we see gentlemen who are experiencing variation, we put them on a regimen: Every two to three days, ejaculate. Once you do that for a period of time, your body becomes used to the pattern — it knows you just ejaculated, and that it needs to produce more semen. It’s like training for basketball — if you go out and practice a lot, you’ll get very good at it. But you don’t want to practice for 20 hours in one day; you want to practice for one hour each day — you’ll be just as good, but not as tired.”

In addition to our coverage, there’s a (cloudy) sea of bodybuilding forums and several reddit threads dedicated to bigger load mastery, one of which leads you to “The Holy Grail of Cum Load Increase,” i.e., information on a bunch of supplements with names I’m not sure how to pronounce that will ostensibly turn your dribble into a firehose. Not to mention the two websites so dedicated to the male endeavor of cultivating a bigger ejaculate that they’re called biggerloads.com and howtoshootbiggerloads.com, respectively.

The men frequenting these sites may not even be completely wrong in their assumptions, either. When I mentioned that I was writing this article to my girlfriend, whom I expected to be fully in support of my skinny load quest, she was — to my surprise — less than enthused. “I don’t want your loads to be smaller,” she wrote via text. “For cleaning purposes, maybe. But strong load make baby.” (Fun fact: Volume doesn’t predict fertility.)

My point is, if you want to know how to make your loads bigger, the internet is your Library of Congress. But if you’re like me and you want to know how to take your loads from a healthy spurt of a Super Soaker to a short spit of a 99 Cent Store squirtgun, well — my fellow male human (if you’re even out there) — you’re shit out of luck.

“No one’s ever asked me that question — it’s usually the opposite” says Jamin Brahmbhatt, a board-certified urologist, when I ask him if there’s any way to decrease the volume of my ejaculate. “Why would anyone want to do that?”

Glad you asked, Doc. Speaking only for myself, here’s why…

Easier to clean up. As things currently stand, the average volume of ejaculate is between three and five milliliters (or about a teaspoon). I’m assuming that average includes men who ejaculate dust, because a teaspoon of jizz seems suspiciously low. More to the point, if my loads were able to neatly fit on a teaspoon, I’d have less of an issue cleaning it off of whatever surface — hand, feet, stomach, back, chest, bed sheets, pillows, headboard, drapes, photo of my family — it lands on.

Less abrasive to swallow. No, I’m not talking about swallowing my own cum — I’m not one of the myriad men who enjoys drinking his own load. (No judgement if you are!) I do, however, count myself amongst the men who would prefer that his “stuff” be swallowed rather than spit out like a bad oyster. Call me selfish, but I just think it’s nice when the person you’re sharing intimacies with isn’t disgusted by your particular flavor of Hidden Valley. And not to overuse the ranch metaphor here, but I imagine most people don’t want to slurp down a gravy boat of creamy goodness — even a fanatical ranch enthusiast wants just enough to cover their fries.

Put succinctly: I just don’t feel the need to drown my partner every time she’s gracious enough to blow me.

Better for the environment and more economical. Cleaning up thick, plentiful loads of ejaculate takes toilet paper. Sometimes a lot of it. And while I’ll admit there are plenty of other, far more impactful ways to lessen your carbon footprint, lessening my load volume is most convenient. Not to mention the fact that if you were using less toilet paper, you’re also likely to save a few bucks a month on Charmin Ultra Soft.

Unfortunately though, according to Brahmbhatt, if I really wanted to reverse engineer my loads, I’d have to start taking testosterone. “If you take testosterone it will decrease,” Brahmbhatt says. “If you take prostate meds the volume may decrease, too.” The reason, according to ferilitysolutions.com, is that external forms of testosterone cause a negative feedback loop on the body’s natural hormone production. And less testosterone in the testes leads to decreased sperm production, which as I’ve already noted in my article about what steroids does to your balls, is yet another reason why I don’t want to take testosterone, ever. So is there another way?

“Easy,” says Brahmbhatt, echoing the science of our earlier piece on how to bulk up your loads. “The more you do it. The less will come out.”

Duh, why didn’t I think of that?