Cumtaste

The Straight Guys Who Proudly Sample Their Own Spunk

For some dudes, it’s a BDSM thing; for others, it’s just easy cleanup. Either way, they’ve become cumoisseurs.

We all must make difficult choices in our lives. Such choices are, in fact, the building blocks of our integrity and define our character. And perhaps no choice says more about who you are as a person than if you spit or swallow.

I’m a swallow girl through and through, and have been my whole life (my consistency on the issue has been so steadfast that I’m basically the Bernie Sanders of swallowing). I like to swallow for a few reasons: First, there’s no running to the bathroom with chipmunk cheeks full of cum. But primarily, it’s a great flex — a perfect way to show someone that you’re *that bitch* and you don’t miss a drop.

The thing is, it’s becoming less and less of a flex. Because as it turns out, straight men are apparently tasting their cum, too. 

I can’t say this is all-the-way surprising. Though when my first boyfriend post-high school mentioned to me that he’d eaten his cum once because he didn’t have anywhere to wipe it, my mouth went fully agape. Sure, I’d happily gobbled it up, but that was straight from the source, not off my grubby little paws. And so, I couldn’t help but think he was a slob and wonder what else he cleaned up that way.

My opinion remained that way for a very long time. Until, that is, I met Adam and had my cum-to-Jesus moment after he told me he’d licked his cum off a girl’s tits — that was fucking hot. Adam’s move was more “I don’t give a fuck, I’m nasty” than my post-high school boyfriend’s “I can’t find my old Black Flag T-shirt that I use as a cum rag.” 

Charlie, a 50-year-old from Colorado, first ate his own cum it to prove a petty point. “My girlfriend at the time gave me a blow job, her first. I came in her mouth in a very uncool, uncontrolled manner, and she immediately spit it out, totally grossed out, and told me how awful it was.” A few days later, Charlie decided to see for himself what made his girl gag. “I touched the tip of my tongue to it like it was a 9-volt battery, almost expecting it to shock me,” he tells me. “I wasn’t particularly attracted to the taste either, but she was making it out to be worse than it really was.”

Meanwhile, the internet drove Frank, a 36-year-old in New York and self-described porn addict, to taste his cum.Online there are many outlets/communities where likeminded addicts encourage one another to push their limits further, and cum tasting/self-facials are a favorite amongst them. I don’t remember the first time I did it, but more often than not, after you actually cum, you chicken out. At some point, though, you go through with it — lick your hand or whatever — and that’s it,” he explains. “The first time I didn’t chicken out was for a woman I was talking to; I was always willing to go the extra mile when I was fortunate enough to come across a woman in those chats.”

Doing it at a woman’s behest is actually a common theme (what’s that whole thing about chivalry being dead?). “My girlfriend made it clear that I could only cum on her if I licked it off — she’s kinda freaked out by sexual fluids,” says Kevin, a 28-year-old in NYC.So for her birthday, I decided to fulfill this fantasy and licked it up and swallowed it. She was pleased. Now that I’ve done it, I can’t say I’m in any hurry to do it again. But I can see doing it on a special occasion, say an anniversary or Valentine’s Day.” 

For 26-year-old Conner, though, it was as much corporal as chivalrous. “I was messaging this girl I know,” he tells me. “We’d started with flirting, but it escalated into a BDSM, mistress-servant-type situation. So whenever we interacted in a way that caused me to cum, I’d taste it for at least 10 seconds and describe it to her.” Not that he necessarily enjoyed it: As goofy as it sounds, it has, like, a kick to it. Not spicy, but bold, I guess. Powerful. Still, it’s not exactly a flavor I’m clamoring to be better represented in my local supermarket.”

Which is, of course, the perfect segue into taste. I’ve mostly been okay with whatever comes my way (see what I did there?). There was one load that I let pour out the sides of my mouth — as if I’d bitten down on a blood capsule — because it tasted like sour milk, and if there’s one thing I won’t swallow, it’s dairy past its “sell-by” date. Otherwise, it’s largely been mostly salty and a little nondescript — an opinion most of the guys I talked to share. “I actually enjoy pre-cum a lot more than cum,” says Frank. “It has a light, salty taste with some sweetness, yet it’s still filthy enough to satisfy your lust.”

According to Lionel, a 38-year-old in the U.K., the texture is what stands out most to him. “The taste is kind of unflavored,” he explains. “The main characteristic of the experience is the texture, which is as viscous as gelatin. It feels like it leaves a little residue at the back of the throat.”

“The taste was just awful the first time. But it wasn’t so bad the second and third time,” adds Justin, a 33-year-old in California. “In general, the taste is mild, not overly salty and kind of creamy with a glue consistency. It definitely tastes better than Elmer’s Glue though.”

A pretty popular pro-tip is drinking a lot of fruit juice, in particular pineapple juice, in order to give your jizz a sweeter taste. “I’m told the reason mine tastes better is because I’m a vegetarian,” says Tom, a 35-year-old in Portland. Tom is a bisexual, so he’s had the opportunity to taste a variety of cum. As such, I ask him if he’s noticed a difference between his and everyone else’s. “I have a theory that it’s like the ice cream flavors in the Wayside School books: When you taste your own, it doesn’t taste like anything because it’s whatever you’re used to. But if you taste someone else’s, it’s a synaesthetic experience of their personality or self,” he explains, before admitting, “This theory isn’t fully formed.” 

What is fully formed is 38-year-old William’s Yelp-esque review of his own splooge. “The first time I tasted it, I was expecting a mix of salty, snotty, slightly metallic and with just a faint hint of pee,” he tells me. “Afterward, though, I can totally see why people have a hard time describing the taste. When I drink a lot of fruit juice or have more fruits/veggies in my diet, it does seem to make me taste sweeter and lighter, maybe giving my taste a solid 7 out of 10. Celery, however, thickens the texture just a little, which knocks it down to maybe a 6.5 out of 10. And if I’m feeling sick, dehydrated or eating a red-meat-heavy diet, I can see where the stories about the saltiness comes from, and I’d deduct a point or two from my rating.”

The foodie-iest review, though, actually came (again, my apologies) courtesy of Phillip, a 45-year-old in L.A. “It’s like a creamier version of sea-urchin sushi. If you’ve never had sea-urchin, it’s close to a combination of oysters and copper pennies,” he explains. “That said, I don’t treat it like a tasting menu at Nobu.”

Sea-urchin-like or not, Charlie warns against tasting it when you haven’t jizzed recently. “If it’s been awhile since I’ve cum, it will be very, very salty and slightly globby and thick. It may also be slightly yellowish in color. When that happens, I know it will be extremely strong tasting, almost like cheap caviar.”

And that’s a champagne-and-caviar dream even I — the aforementioned Bernie Sanders of swallowing — can live without.