Nuns are, like, totally hot right now — particularly those who drop their skincare routines on TikTok, specialize in ASMR videos on YouTube or, er, use a statue of the Virgin Mary as a dildo on screen. The latest nun internet trend is live confessionals via Twitch, so you can confess your deepest, darkest sins from the comfort of your own home, instead of trekking all the way to the convent.
One such streamer is Niki, whose nun confessional videos — among other clips — have helped her amass her over 41,000 followers on Twitch and more than 30,000 subscribers on YouTube. In her confessions, Niki dresses in a nun’s habit — rosary beads and all — drinks “the blood of Christ” and listens to her “children” list out their sins live on air, all while continuously vaping — or, as she calls it, “smoking the breath of Jesus.”
At the end of each person’s confession, viewers take to the chat to decide if the confessor is “worthy of redemption” — if they’re not, they’re “thrown in the fiery flames of hell,” but if they are, they get sent to heaven. (Hell and heaven are animations on the video, sitting on either side of Niki.) The “confessions” are usually related to various bodily functions — shitting, cumming, farting… you get the idea — and they’re always absolutely insane (and probably often fake).
Also taking a shot at confessional advice is PaymoneyWubby, who has a whopping 542,000 followers on Twitch and 375,000 on YouTube. In a confessional he did, Wubby takes on the role of the pope — dressed in red and white robes and a mitre hat, and using Grey Goose as holy water — while his manager Alluux (also a Twitch streamer) plays his nun assistant. An Australian streamer called Aeliael has done a nun cosplay as well, but — despite the video title — it doesn’t actually seem to include any confessions.
In any event, here’s a roundup of confessions so troubling they might make you consider becoming a nun.
The Guy Who Got Blown By a Dying Fish
This confessional is probably Niki’s most viewed, even making it onto the r/cringe subreddit, where it now boasts nearly 19,000 upvotes. And, having already read the title, you can probably see why. Okay, so this (definitely fake) confession is from a British guy named “Q” who recalls a fishing trip he went on with his dad when he was 13. Lucky Q caught a fish, and, despite his father’s orders to throw it back into the water, he kept it. “I felt like I had a connection with the fish,” Q tells Niki. “It just felt very nice in my hands. It felt like it was chosen for me.”
Instead of returning it to its rightful place, Q “shoved the fish down [his] trousers,” but on the journey home, the fish — obviously — started to die. As it thrashed around in Q’s pants, it felt like the fish was giving him a “blow job” of sorts, which “felt really special” to Q. When he got home and took his pants down, he realized he’d cum all over the fish. Q then kept the cum-covered fish in his personal mini-freezer, and continued to masturbate with it for a week — until his dad discovered it, and Q brought shame on his family.
The Guy Who Wiped His Ass on His Brother’s Towel… For Five Years
This one is from PaymoneyWubby. The confessor doesn’t have a name, so we’ll just refer to him as “A” (for ass). When A was 15, his brother (also 15, but who has autism) broke his Xbox controller, “causing irreparable damage.” In revenge for this “and other crimes he’d committed against [him],” A started wiping his post-shit ass on his brother’s towel, everyday for five years — a filthy habit he only just stopped a couple of months before confessing to Wubby, and a sin that Wubby described as “the most horrible thing that has been said on stream tonight.” This one actually seems true.
The Guys Who Got Caught Listening to Feet Porn
During his confession to Niki, a guy named “PMAG” recalled a time when, as kids, he and his friend escaped his cousin’s party to “go and beat off to some feet porn.” While they were collaboratively wanking, the phone rang, and — because they were on dial-up, AOL internet at the time — the video cut out, but the sound kept playing. PMAG’s cousin and her friends then headed up the stairs, and caught the boys with the sound of feet porn still booming in their room. “Ever since that day, I can’t stop looking at feet,” he concluded.
The Guy Who Came on His Best Friend’s Dog
Another Niki video, which is, undoubtedly, another troll. A guy named “TK” calls in to confess that he “came on [his] best friend’s dog” in middle school. The pair were having a sleepover, and, at around 3 a.m. his friend was asleep, and TK began sexting with a girl on Snapchat. It’s unclear from his confession if his friend was in the same room as him, but either way, TK started jacking off to the photos this girl was sending. When it was, as TK calls it, “time,” his friend’s dog walked into the room and got “hit in the crossfire.” “It was pretty weird,” he reflects. “I had to take it outside, spray it down with the hose, wash it up… it wasn’t a good time.”
Niki offers TK his penance: Letting 50 dogs come on him (which TK describes as “lovely”). In his final confessional gift, he reveals that the dog was called Papi and was blind. Safe to say, TK was damned to hell.
The Guy Who Revenge Ejaculated in His Parents’ Conditioner
In Wubby’s confession, another nameless guy (let’s call him Alex) logged on to confess that when he was between the ages of 14 and 16, he used to ejaculate in his parents’ conditioner bottle every time they “pissed [him] off.” Alex would open the conditioner before beginning his wank, and would then simply cum into it when the time came. “It’s not something I’m proud of,” he told Wubby, “but it’s something that happened.”
Brit Dawson
Brit Dawson is a London-based journalist who mostly writes about sex, women's rights and sex work. She is also the staff writer at Dazed.
