Our Thanksgiving op-eds have been coated in butter and dunked in a barrel of boiling oil. Now our house is on fire. But nothing, nothing will convince us otherwise. So pass the alcoholic gravy — here are our deep-fried holiday takes.
Every year it seems like the Christmas season begins earlier and earlier, and for some reason a lot of you bitches seem to think that’s a problem. “Can’t we just appreciate Thanksgiving on its own?” Appreciate what, exactly? Colors of imminent death and colonialism? We just had Halloween, and plenty of you love to celebrate colonialism every day, anyways. Stop judging people who put up their Christmas decor the day after Thanksgiving — even before Thanksgiving — just because you hate fun and festivity.
My main argument here is spiritual, but also financial. You’re gonna spend all that money on a tree and tinsel and Santa figurines just to enjoy it for two weeks? Even if you’re re-using the same objects year after year, it simply makes sense to get the most out of it and reduce your cost-per-use. If you’re spending $45 on a Christmas tree and only using it for two weeks, you’re spending around $3 per day on it. Use it for a month, and you’ll have spent $1.50 per day, instead. Basic economics!
My own mother is one of these Thanksgiving-time-Christmas-decor haters. She thinks the Christmas tree is going to lose all its needles before Christmas even arrives. She’s dead wrong with this logic, for multiple reasons. First of all, just buy the right tree! Fir breeds of Christmas trees retain their needles longer than Spruce varieties. Second of all, um, sorry the tree is trying to help decorate the floor for you. Just sweep up the needles and enjoy the quintessential scent of December’s heartiest flora.
To her credit, my mom does know how to take good care of a tree. I bet a lot of you haters don’t. Trees survive best when you’ve just cut them yourself, obviously, but they can also do well with a good root trimming and regular water replenishment. Yes, you need to water your Christmas tree.
As for the rest of the Christmas decor, I don’t understand what’s wrong with wanting things to be glitzy and cheerful. It would be ideal if Christmas occurred slightly later in the winter, when the misery of the season’s cold wetness feels most cruel. But what am I gonna do, go back in time and push Jesus back inside of Mary in the manger? Point out to everyone that Christmas was likely designed to coincide with Pagan festivals honoring Saturn? I’m considered enough of a buzzkill as it is. I will not be a buzzkill about Christmas.
Honestly, this winter may well push us to the furthest depths of our capacity for sadness. We likely will not be able to see our families or celebrate the holidays as we previously have, and even if we have been spared personally from COVID-19 loss, we still collectively mourn. With that in mind, let me have my Christmas cheer for as long as I can. Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” will not get old in my ears. I’d rather grow sick of looking at nutcrackers and nativity scenes and the colors green and red than wish I’d had more time to enjoy it once it’s December 26th.