Phat-Ass White Girls, Death to All Political Robotexters and the Man Who Will Say Anything for $5

Raise your hand if you’re getting loaded tonight ?‍♂️. I’m not sure I can watch the returns come in. 2016 was such a profound disappointment that I’d rather just get the news all at once — good or bad… in the A.M… while suffering from a raging hangover. Either the punch in the mouth won’t make me feel any worse than I already do, or I’ve got the political version of hair of the dog. Win, win.

So instead of watching the results tonight, find something less nerve-racking to do — like catching up on MEL.

Must Read

“The Instagram Economy of Phat-Ass White Girls”
Editorial assistant Magdalene Taylor knows a thing or two about Phat-Ass White Girls. She is a self-described pawg herself, even curating a social persona around it. Who better then to report on the growing Instagram economy based on the big butts of white girls, where women pay men anywhere from $10 to $100 per image to post pictures of their posteriors, all in the name of growing their social following? READ MORE

Elections, Pop-Culture Style

As we embark today on the first step toward a better future — or, we continue to shoot ourselves in the face repeatedly, politically speaking — it becomes more and more important that we find time to laugh and smile. Thankfully, pop culture has plenty of high-quality election-related lols at the ready. These are some of our favorites.

Porn + Politics = ‘Merica

Stormy Daniels run-in with the soon-to-be president wasn’t the first time porn and politics had met. Actually, it’s not even Stormy Daniels’ first time — people forget she almost ran for Senate in Louisiana in 2009. But that wasn’t the first mix of porn and a political campaign, either. The two go back nearly 30 years.

Surf Is(n’t) Up

After Americans got so thoroughly burned by political prognosticators in 2016, talk of a so-called “blue wave” has me thinking of something former President George W. Bush once said:

While that sentiment might have taken the majority of us four years to understand, surfers, of all people, have been skeptical of “waves” and “groundswells” since time immemorial. And that’s because they get burned by forecasters on a weekly basis. Here’s what some of them have to say about getting your hopes up for a giant wave.

Robo-staaaahp

Not sure about you, but there’s a whole lot of people in Congress I’d like to spray in the face with a full can of mace. But since that will undoubtedly get me arrested, I’m going to do the next best thing and express my political rage against robotexters, like our own Miles Klee did:

You tell her, Miles. This trend of campaigns sending robotexts is so fucking annoying that clapping back in anger has become a full-on meme on Twitter.

Vote Shaming: Good, or Die in a Fire?

Yes, voting is extremely important. And yes, everyone should go today and cast a ballot if they care at all about this country. But that said, should we all shut the fuck up already about it? At what point does riding that high horse and assuming that people want you tell them for the umpteenth time how their vote matters start to sound like something assholes do? Tracy Moore has thoughts.

But Enough About Politics…

Talking about this election is possibly more tiring than the time I wrote about nothing but Trump’s mushroom-shaped peen for an entire day. So let’s move right along, shall we?

Killer House, Dude

Want to save a ton of money buying your first home? No problem! Just find one that was the site of a brutal murder.

The Man Who’d Say Anything for a Fiverr

Imagine you’re a middle-aged father of two, and you just got laid off. While age discrimination is illegal, that scenario can be terrifying, and one that could force you into making an interesting career choice. Like in the case of Pete Ace, who after getting the boot from his corporate sales job, started doing voiceover work for $5 a pop on the freelancer platform, Fiverr. Only, Ace was willing to say anything you paid him to — and that small wrinkle turned his shitty career prospects into viral fame. That is, until that fame came crashing down earlier today.

Pile-Driving Your Way Into the US of A

What do you do when you’re a foreign-born pro wrestler and all you want to do is give someone a Stone-Cold Stunner in front of thousands of adoring American fans? You apply for a work visa. But if Uncle Sam puts your chances of getting into the country in a sleeper hold, you don’t tap out — you crack a chair over the head of the work visa application process and you do whatever it takes to get your ass over the border.

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Jeff Gross

Jeff Gross is MEL’s senior editor for social media and content marketing. His daily ICYMI column, which chronicles all things meta on the site, is the quickest way to catch up on MEL, and the funniest thing you’ll read all day. Follow him on Twitter.