If you ever find yourself frantically scouring the internet for a half gallon of wolf piss, there’s a good chance you’ll end up negotiating with a 54-year-old man named Skip Theobald. The self-described “pee peddler” lives in Sandy Point, Maine, and runs one of the only online retailers in the country selling an assortment of animal urine.
Theobald, who grew up in the country, has always been familiar with the ways in which predators use urine to mark their territory and keep their prey at bay. Though he originally started his business by selling scents to help hunters attract deer and other game to their location, he realized in 1990 that there was also potential in gathering predator urine and selling it to people who wanted to keep specific animals from trespassing into their lawns or gardens. Over the course of 10 years, he says, his business naturally “just kind of morphed” into what it is now: “America’s first discount urine store.”
As purveyor of Pee Mart, Theobald allows customers to shop by the animal piss they want, offering urine from predators like wolves, foxes, mountain lions and bobcats. Or consumers can choose the specific pest they want to keep out, and the “pee peddler” matches them with the pee they need. For instance, Theobald assures me his “100 percent genuine panther urine” is best used to prevent pesky armadillos from digging up your lawn in search of insects. Meanwhile, to keep bears or beavers out of your garage, he recommends wolf urine, since “these bad boys are a predator to feral cats, coyotes, foxes, moose, elk and just about any large prey animal you may think of.”
Wolf piss is, in fact, Theobald’s “most requested urine,” likely “due to the ever-growing problem with coyotes out west.” Like most urine available for purchase at Pee Mart, customers can buy it in liquid form to spritz onto the intended area, or dehydrated “granules” to shake out wherever “critters are active, particularly burrowing critters like chipmunks, gophers and moles.”
If you’re wondering how Theobald and his son, who is also part of the family business, collect all this urine, he explains, “We pay zoos, farms, wildlife refuges, etcetera for their urine. When the animals are in their pens, there are drains in the floors to collect the urine. It’s nothing fancy; plus, our paying helps with their overhead.”
To be sure, Theobald ultimately has no control over what people do with the half gallon of wolf piss he sells them, but he does control the pee he keeps in his inventory. “We get strange requests all the time, anywhere from gecko urine to bison urine,” he tells me, adding that he has “no idea why someone would want either one of those urines,” and that “no, we don’t sell them.”
There is, however, one non-urine scent that might pique the interest of those drowning in all of the piss available at Pee Mart — “Ole Time Woodsman.” Contrary to its name, the scent isn’t the urine of an old man; it’s a century-old Theobald family recipe made up of mineral oil, pine tar and essential oils that combine into a dark brown liquid. Once used to keep loggers in Maine free from flies and mosquitos, Theobald sells the concoction to fishermen for the same purpose.
At the end of the day, being the premier online piss peddler is a much nobler pursuit than it may sound. Not only does Theobald make use of organic material that would otherwise go to waste, but he’s providing a chemical-free alternative to an industry dominated by corporate conglomerates. “Organic growers love it,” Theobald says. “Our urine is completely harmless; anyone who’s ever changed a diaper knows that.”
The pee salesman doesn’t have plans of stopping any time soon either. As long as animals keep urinating, Theobald will be there to answer the bell when nature calls.
Quinn Myers
Quinn Myers is a staff writer at MEL. He reports on internet culture, technology, health, masculinity and the communities that flourish within.
