Across the world of fashion, women have it rough. Striking the impossible balance between Madonna and whore would be challenge enough without an apparel industry that ignores 95 percent of bodies. For swimwear, the stakes are higher yet: Society demands revealing, flattering, skin-tight suits to rival the hot, wet looks on the cover of Sports Illustrated at the start of the season. I would not want to feel this pressure.
But you know what else I don’t want to feel? That crotch netting in a man’s swimsuit.
Yo honestly who invented men’s bathing suits. What was the idea behind the netting????? Like yess I love my balls being treated like freshly purchased produce???
— Sean (@Seanmueller91) June 30, 2018
Just caught a glimpse of my penis after it was skooshed up in bathing suit netting for hours. It looked wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!!
— Chris Kelly (@imchriskelly) July 21, 2012
I had this thought when I was at the beach, Saturday. Like, why not make the inside part out of the same material as the rest of the suit?
— KerooSeta is a Metroidvania (@whiteflea) August 14, 2017
One doesn’t have to read a horror story about a kid visiting the hospital after his dick got hopelessly stuck in said netting to have suspicions about this material. Almost every guy has wondered, at some point, why it even exists. And while I haven’t been able to turn up the name of the sadist who invented it, there are innumerable guesses as to its intended benefit. “So small marine life doesn’t swim up your peehole” and “so when you poop its like a playdoh [sic] spaghetti maker” are two compelling answers from Reddit.
But an alleged former employee of Under Armour and Hurley, who would actually know, puts it this way: “Originally the mesh was used as a lightweight barrier to block men’s wee-wee’s from direct contract from the fabric of the actual board shorts. When the cloth got wet it got heavier and would cause your sensitive bits to chafe and that’s very uncomfortable.”
More uncomfortable than the netting?! I suppose I’ll have to take their word for it.
What ur dick feels like against the netting of a guys bathing suit….#nethead pic.twitter.com/nuTOKVW1rE
— Felipe (@notamerican_yet) June 11, 2016
Accidentally bought a swim suit with netting. My balls feel like a dolphin on a tuna boat right now.
— Matt Wilkie (@WritingWilkie) July 30, 2011
Nephew got a little rash down under from the net in his bathing suit. Told him get some Vaseline down there and get back in the pool
— Tim Bellington (@TimBellz33) July 4, 2017
Another supposed reason for the mesh underwear apparatus is to keep your suit from clinging to your privates when you get out of the water — and thus prevent any embarrassment over shrinkage or similar anatomical revelations. To that I must reply: Does it do that, though?
I’m pretty sure I was strategically holding inflatable tubes in front of my junk at any high school pool party to obscure a view of the area. Livestrong, meanwhile, claims the netting is for “support” (I’m sorry, do the male genitals not float in water?) and safety: “Swimming involves a good deal of leg movement; keeping the sensitive bits and pieces up and out of the way allows swimmers to focus on their technique and enjoyment rather than on whether or not they will injure themselves.”
Which, to me, suggests that any time dudes go skinny-dipping, they’re constantly twisting their nuts and knocking their dicks against stuff. Hasn’t been my experience! What’s more, anyone with a penis who’s tried to walk more than a few blocks with it rubbing against the netting would kill for a little junk freedom.
Honestly, is any bathing suit feature worth the potential of a tiny, angry crab winding up trapped in a confined space with your tackle? Just having pebbles in there isn’t a picnic, either. Over very little time, no matter how nice or expensive the suit is, the netting will also become frayed and stained, so that each time you prepare to swim, you are faced with the horror of what repeated contact with your groin, taint and ass-crack does to this poor synthetic fiber. It does not deserve this indignity any more than we do. Begone.
I should note, however, that like anything problematic, the netting does have its fans.
Ian cut the netting out of his swimsuit bottoms and pic.twitter.com/ct4A93CRGg
— Dev (@devon_haggerty) August 9, 2014
I sleep in a pile of netting from men's swimsuits.
— Fran Gillespie (@FranGillespie) July 3, 2011
That netting in swimsuits sucks but when I was 9 and shit my pants by the pool it saved my turd from landing on the floor
— Michael Madrid (@entrauge) June 16, 2019
Hmm. All things considered, you probably do have to give the net props on a turd-catch. But I’m still not going to forgive the guy who joked on Reddit, “I just wear the netting.” Because I cannot un-imagine that.