2-6-19

Men Who Hate (???) the Moon, Dying While Taking a Shit and the Inexplicably Male Need to Touch A Doorframe

I’m very nearly 35 years old (February 22nd, wish me happy birthday!), and with each passing day, I worry more about my own mortality.

Mostly, my concern centers around my ticker, and whether the thing is going to give out one day when I least expect it. Sometimes, when I’m sleeping on my side, the pressure on my temple means I can feel my heart beating. I hate that, because I start to wonder whether my pulse is within a safe range, or if I’ve gone into tachycardia.

So color me terrified to read that people have literally exploded their hearts just by taking a particularly forceful shit. I mean, it’s everything that keeps me up at night — the aforementioned concerns about my heart tapping out unexpectedly, of course. But add to that the thought of dying on the toilet, Elvis-style, and how is a guy ever supposed to poop right again?

Thankfully, as noted in the piece, there are some things you can do to avoid going out with your pants situated firmly around your ankles. But that didn’t stop my heart from skipping a beat.

Must Read

“Lunatics: The Men Who Loathe the Moon”
“Smug.” “Self-satisfied.” Mocking.” These are words used to describe the moon by the men who loathe its very existence. Nevermind the fact that the moon plays an integral role in Earth’s center of gravity, or in regulating tides — to these guys, the moon is an “unremarkable rock,” and a thief that “takes credit for being bright” from the sun. Don’t expect to understand why there’s so much hate directed at Earth’s partner in the sky. That’s just how these dudes are, and amazingly, they come from a long line of moon-haters stretching back hundreds of years. READ MORE

Fire Burn and Vape Juice Bubble

Why buy your vape juice when you can make your own? That’s the idea behind vape juice home-brewing, a new hobby among vapers tired of spending money on expensive e-juices that rarely taste good. With a little help from the internet, artisan vapers have been mixing their own concoctions, and collecting thousands of flavors in the process. But it isn’t just the cost savings that’s motivating these DIY brewmasters — it’s also the threat that, if the government makes good on threats to ban flavored juice, they’ll be glad they’ve got a rainy-day stash to tide them over.

Silent, But Deadly

Did you know Elvis died on the commode? Dude was trying to squeeze out a massive turd (not enough fiber, natch) and exploded his heart. George II of Britain? Same thing. Maybe it’s time we all rethink our squatting and straining strategy, lest we end up like these two Kings.

Out of the Game

Ariana Grande made waves on New Year’s Day when she stated that she’d be retiring from the dating game for all of 2019, if not the rest of her life:

We’ve all been there — rough breakup, and all you want to do is take a real, long breather. But does quitting the dating scene actually solves anyone’s problems? According to a couples therapist, that really depends on the mindset people have when entering into their period of abstinence.

Reach for the Doorframe, Pardner

What is it about doorframes that guys just HAVE to slap ‘em?

Miles Klee explains why this universal male mystery is so tightly bound to guys’ confusion over their own masculinity.

Off With His Hat

Not sure about you, but I’m with our friend Tony Soprano: Hats shouldn’t be worn indoors, or at a bare minimum, not while eating. It’s just plain disrespectful. Not entirely sure why, now that I think about it. Thankfully, though, Andrew Fiouzi looked into whether wearing a hat inside is still considered rude, and if anyone really gives a shit, if you do (besides just me, of course).

In Defense of Mother Nature

How far would you go to stop ecological collapse? As climate change worsens — and politicians in this country appear less and less inclined to do anything about it — a new generation of eco-terrorists have decided they’re willing to kill to save our world. To ascertain the dangers they might bring, Zaron Burnett III interviewed Jamie Bartlett, author of a controversial essay entitled “The Next Wave of Extremists Will Be Green.”

Strippers of the World, Unite!

Thanks to a new law that passed in California last April that ruled in favor of gig-economy workers, strippers in the Golden State are now considered legit employees instead of just independent contractors. Unfortunately, that means that Uncle Sam is gonna want a piece of their now-legitimate action when tax day comes. But it also means your favorite stripper is likely quietly organizing with her fellow dancers, attempting to unionize them for basic workers’ rights.

Here are eight easy ways you can show your support for them as they attempt to go the way of the teamsters.

And Breathe…

So, uh, this happened a couple of days ago:

Naturally, guys across the internet are freaking out and asking themselves, “Is a doctor’s finger in my butt really an unexpected shortcut to Sploogeville?” We sifted through the obviously fake anecdotes on Reddit, the “blew the biggest load of my life” stories on Yahoo! Answers and the “this happened to my girlfriend’s ex” claims on MMA forums — among other places — to find out.