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Depraved Murder, MMA’s Ticking Time Bomb and Everything Else from the Week That Was

Hi y’all! Wonderful little Saturday yesterday, wasn’t it? Nope, nothing terrible happened. Everything is a-okay… fuck it, who am I trying to kid? Yesterday was just the worst. At least the week that was on MEL wasn’t terrible. Check it:

For tears: I’m not crying—you’re crying. Let’s cry together as we read about some of the most heartbreaking things strippers have witnessed while dancing for lonely guys. Or tear up over this former addict who’s turned his life around doing erotic Etch A Sketch art.

For lols: Not much is funnier than this Miles Klee piece about shopping at Target, and how it’s retail hell on relationships. Also, some dudes just love their horses (not like that, sicko).

For help: Learn how and when you should quit your dead-ass jobOr why you really, really should constantly wash your handsOr how often you need to replace your shit tools.

If none of the above is doing anything for you, here’s the best of the rest from The Week That Was…

Must Reads

He Was an Infamous College Hacker. Then a Bitcoin Millionaire. Now He’s Charged With ‘Depraved’ Murder.
Daniel Beckwitt promised to be an angel investor in 21-year-old Askia Khafra’s startup in exchange for help with constructing a DIY fallout shelter. But on Sept. 10, 2017, Khafra burned to death in that fallout shelter. After a months-long investigation, Maryland detectives pushed for Beckwitt not to be charged with manslaughter, but with the state’s rarely applied charge of “depraved heart” murder. The crime was so bizarre, and brutal, it’s almost impossible to believe that it really happened. READ MORE

Why It’s So Hard to Bring the #MeToo Movement to Porn
With the notable exception of porn star James Deen, the porn industry has largely gotten a pass from the #MeToo movement. But unlike pro sports, porn’s reasons are tied up with its less-than-savory realities: Like the fact that sex is an intrinsic part of the industry; and that survivors are afraid to come forward because porn already struggles with negative stereotypes. Tierney Finster caught up with three porn performers with particularly unique perspectives (and experiences) on the topic. READ MORE

Bradley Cooper Doesn’t Want to Be Your Hero
There are lots of leading men Bradley Cooper could have been. He decided to be one who plays guys who aren’t entirely comfortable with the spotlight.” So sayeth Tim Grierson, and he’s right — after Cooper’s breakout hit, The Hangover, he had every opportunity to play the prototypical leading man. But since stumbling in The A-Team, Cooper’s been testing the limits of what it means to be the good guy. And it’s starting to pay dividends. READ MORE

The Fast-Growing World of #FatRunners
Being overweight doesn’t mean you can’t run a 5k, a 10k or even a marathon. People do it all the time. But if you’re carrying around a few extra pounds — and a smartphone with Instagram on it — it can feel like the running world you see online isn’t for you. That’s why a quiet revolution — #fatrunner — is taking place in our feeds, which is challenging the aesthetic expectations of runners and embracing the body-positivity movement. READ MORE

Five Things We Learned This Week

  1. The likelihood of having a real-life doppelgänger, is a one-in-a-trillion shot. But while doppelgängers are uncommon, they do exist. And their existence has led to a number of extremely strange criminal cases.
  2. ‘It’s only a matter of time before someone dies in the Octagon. Unlike in boxing where both fighters get paid regardless of who wins, MMA fighters get a pittance if they lose—which means a fighter’s corner aren’t incentivized to throw in the towel.
  3. There are a TON of evil twins in comic books. Considering how long some of our favorite superheroes have been around, evil twins were an inevitability. But dang: Venom (Spider Man), Zoom (Flash) and Catman (Batman)—just to name a few. Get the full list here.
  4. Somehow a dietitian ranked Irish coffee as better for you than a flat white, and now I’m shook. Evidently, a little booze can be kind of good for you, whereas cream is always bad for you, or something. TIL, I guess.
  5. There’s a whole group of people hellbent on restoring Columbus Day.That one scene from the Sopranos is not BS—people really are pissed Columbus doesn’t get credit for discovering the New World.

Quotes of the Week

Next time you find yourself in the friend zone when you’d prefer it was something else, maybe consider how she feels. Because while men might be banished to the no-fun friend zone, women are sent to a place that’s literallydangerous: The Fuck Zone.

There’s big, and then there’s really fucking big. Dildos, that is. And if sticking giant objects up your ass is your idea of a good time, what kind of precautions should you be taking? We asked a clinical sexologist and the manager of an online adult retailer for their advice.

What do guys do when their partners are out of the house for an extended period of time? 9 times out of 10, they revert to their animalistic, freshman-year-of-college selves. That, and/or pine away for their better half’s return.

And Now, a Word From Our Readers

Hooked on ‘Teledildonics’: How Long-Distance Couples Are Having Long-Distance Sex

My Dick Is Literally a Work of Art

The Weekend Binge

In honor of the release of Venom this week—starring Tom “no one can understand me” Hardy—we took a look at every one of those crazy, nearly impossible-to-understand Hardy accents. Be ready to listen very, very closely.