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ICYMI: Dead Assholes, Skincare by Patrick Bateman and Farting Case Law

This week began with some good news: We discovered that hope is on the horizon for our bald brethren. On Tuesday, we asked why no one cares about pro arm wrestling, given its status as the ultimate measure of a guy’s toughness. By mid-week, we, too, were heartbroken over the separation of immigrant children and their parents, attempting to understand the long-term damage such a traumatic event does to fathers. Speaking of fathers, we ended things on Friday with a look at dads who don’t particularly care for babies, and whether that makes them shitty parents.

We can’t write a wrap post for everything, though. That honor is reserved for the most popular posts of the week, which you’ll find below.

The Week’s Must Reads

“A Dead Asshole Is Still an Asshole”
We can stipulate that the murder of rapper XXXTentacion on Monday was borne out of our nihilistic firearm culture. That it’s yet another example of the American failure to save young men of color, raised in a broken system. But as Miles Klee argues, we can also say that he was violent piece of shit, and we aren’t going to miss him. READ MORE

“The Unbearable Blackness of Liking White-People Shit”
This month, icon of woke male blackness, Desus Nice, came out as a huge Sex and the City fan. Surprisingly, he didn’t get dragged for his admission; instead, he made it cool for people of color to own the fact that they too are down for some white shit. To make sense of it all, Zaron Burnett sat down with Kovie Biakolo, entertainment editor at BuzzFeed News, to talk about what it means to be a stan for white culture; and to advance the conversation about representation in a multicultural country like the U.S. READ MORE

“The Men Who Can’t Cum”
We’ve all heard stories of (or frankly, been) men who cum too quickly. But an equally sinister — yet far less spoken about — affliction is taking too long time to cum — or the inability to cum at all. Merritt k spoke to a number of men who have a hard time getting off, and their reasons are as varied as they are complicated. READ MORE

“An Oral History of ‘Leisure Suit Larry’”
Arguably the first “adult” video game — one that trafficked in graphic cartoon violence and sexual innuendo — Leisure Suit Larry remains one of the few dating simulations to ever permeate the American mainstream. Contributor Joe Veix breaks down how the game went from a soft-porn “flop” that only sold 4,000 copies to one of the most popular adventure series of the 1990s. READ MORE

“You’re Wiping Your Butt All Wrong and Probably Injuring Yourself”
You’d think that sometime after age 10, you’d have mastered the art of wiping your own ass. WRONG. No, the inflamed assholes showing up in dermatologists’ offices with increasing regularity aren’t normal — they’re suffering from “polished anus syndrome,” or PAS. If that sounds like something you’d prefer not to explain to your significant other, here’s how to avoid it. READ MORE

Five Other Things We Learned

  1. Men are turning to American Psycho for skincare tips. “The Patrick Bateman Morning Routine” scene from the movie has more than three million views on YouTube, and the fictional serial killer is frequently a topic of discussion on r/skincareaddiction.
  2. Can’t shit? Try a Honeycrisp. We asked nutritionists which apples packed the most nutritious punch, and while that honor did not go to the Honeycrisp, they are the highest in fiber.
  3. You’re not properly prepared for death until you decide what to do with your Venmo account. Venmo, Paypal and the like don’t turn off just because you’ve kicked the bucket. They can and will stay open, potentially siphoning money from your estate long after you’re gone. So when codifying your end-of-life wishes, make sure you’re paying attention to your digital life as much as your physical one.
  4. More clothes = staying cool. It might seem counterintuitive, but long sleeves and pants beat short sleeves and shorts in really hot weather. The ultimate way to keep cool, though, is to drink tons of water.
  5. It’s not your brain that remembers your favorite burger. It’s your gut. Food memories originate in millions of neurons that exist in the lining of your gastrointestinal system, and are carried up to your brain via the vagus nerve. So if anyone accuses you of thinking with your stomach, they’re right.

From the ‘Angry Commenters’ Department

Yesterday, Miles Klee wrote about how Jordan Peterson and Tucker Carlson have been foaming at the mouth over masculinity classes, and what they perceive as a threat to good old-fashioned boyhood: teaching kindness. This gent countered on Twitter with some classic whataboutism, but failed to realize he owned himself:

Hello, From Instagram

Did you know MEL has an Instagram account? We post art and memes and cool dumb facts like this one, courtesy of the super talented @animatedtext.

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If we catch you doing it, you will be cancelled.

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Give us a follow, we’ve got some cool stuff planned.

Too Long; Didn’t Read

It may be hard to believe, but “farting” has been the subject of numerous lawsuits and criminal complaints. Here’s a rundown of all the times flatulence became a concern of the legal system.

Last Laugh