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A Depraved Murder Mystery, a Three-Part ‘Boofing’ Extravaganza and a (Literal) Dick Poster

I can’t decide whether getting a poster of your own penis, as C. Brian Smith did in this piece, is a stroke (heh heh) of genius, or utter insanity. On the one hand, if you’ve got it, flaunt it. It’ll probably look great hanging (lol) in your bedroom! On the other hand, you’re gonna have a hard (lmao) time explaining that one to friends and family: “Yes, mother, it’s to scale. I’m a grower, thank you for asking.”

On second thought, hard pass.

Get the schlong and short of that story, and everything else, below.

Must Read

He Was an Infamous College Hacker. Then a Bitcoin Millionaire. Now He’s Charged With ‘Depraved’ Murder.
Daniel Beckwitt promised to be an angel investor in 21-year-old Askia Khafra’s startup in exchange for help with constructing a DIY fallout shelter. But on Sept. 10, 2017, Khafra burned to death in that fallout shelter. After a months-long investigation, Maryland detectives pushed for Beckwitt not to be charged with manslaughter, but with the state’s rarely applied charge of “depraved heart” murder. The crime was so bizarre, and brutal, it’s almost impossible to believe that it really happened. READ MORE

Boofing, in Triplicate

Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh swore under oath last week that a joke he wrote about “boofing” in his high school yearbook was a reference to flatulence. We’re here to tell you, in three different ways, that Brett Michael Kavanaugh, lover of beer, is full of shit.

Boofing, you see, means “butt-chugging.” What is butt-chugging, and why would someone chug from their butt? Allow us to illuminate:

And yes, boofing is a real thing, and yes, there are people who have done it. We spoke to a few of them, in fact. They think ol’ Brett is full of shit, too:

In fairness, though, boofing hasn’t always been a stand-in for butt-chugging. It has a long and storied past—including once being a euphemism for anal sex, and a guest appearance in Teen Wolf!

Sex & The Friend Zone

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 100 times: No guy likes being relegated to the friend zone. But it wasn’t until I read this piece that I realized there’s a whole other perspective I’ve never considered: Hers. That’s because while men might be banished to the no-fun friend zone, women are sent to a place that’sliterally dangerous: The Fuck Zone. A place where men assume the women they’ve put time and effort into befriending are supposed to reciprocate with sex. And when they don’t, the “nice guy” veneer can turn, at best, cold, and at worse, violent.

Pablo Dick-asso

This next piece might be TMI, and it’s definitely NSFW. Features writer C. Brian Smith let some Swedish designers turn his dick measurements into a “Penis Poster,” and we’re all better (???) for it.

Click through for the full dong

The Penis Poster was inspired by the #MeToo movement, and to date, 2,560 have been sold (at $49 each plus $15 international shipping)—all in the name of raising awareness of the problematic behavior dudes can exhibit on behalf of their penises.

There’s a Target in Relationship Hell

Apologies, Ikea. But there’s no bigger threat to co-habitative bliss than 30+ minutes in a Target.

a couple is fighting in the Target parking lot and the girl took out the wrapping paper she bought and started decking him over the head

— @kelsnewton

Miles Klee recently relocated to L.A. with his partner, and everyone knows that when you move, you go—not once, but multiple times—to Target. And, as he can attest, there’s no easier way to end up in a fight than a half hour into a mind-numbing hunt for the perfect pair of low-grade throw pillows.

The Acne Upside

Were you a acne-riddled mess in high school? That sucks, man. Probably made you think twice about going out in public, huh? Well, consider the silver lining: If your face looked like the surface of the moon in high school, you likely got slightly better grades than if you had skin like Beyonce. Here’s why.

Pulling the Job Rip-Cord

It can be difficult identifying the circumstances that would warrant quitting your job. But if any of the below sounds familiar, it might be time to bounce, yo:

  • You’re bored.
  • You can’t advance any further.
  • You’ve done all that you came to accomplish.
  • You don’t like managing people.
  • You want to change careers.
  • You fucked a co-worker (and it didn’t work out).
  • You’re next on the ol’ chopping block.
  • The company is fuuuucked.
  • Your boss is a dick.

Sound like your situation? Here’s what you should do next.

Long-Distance Fucking

What a brave, new world we live in. Not even 20 years ago, if you wanted to get your freak on with your partner in a long-distance relationship, breathing heavily into a phone was you best and only bet. A little over eight years ago, though, FaceTime debuted, which changed the phone-sex game forever—but still, it’s not really penis-in-vagina, is it? Well hold onto your dicks, friends, because a couple months ago, with the expiration of an exceptionally onerous patent, the game was changed again. And pretty soon, lovers all across the world will know one very fun-sounding word: Teledildonics.