Three years into their mostly monogamous relationship, Hina, a bisexual 28-year-old woman from Canada, suggested a threesome with her boyfriend. She soon discovered she enjoyed watching more than participating. Now, they explore her cuckquean fetish regularly, navigating the sometimes-awkward social brass tacks of finding other partners who aren’t averse to a built-in female audience.
When did you realize you were into the idea of watching your partner with another woman?
The first time I had a threesome. My partner and I had been together for three years, and monogamous for most of it. A couple of years ago, I had the idea that I would like to explore myself more sexually. So we had a threesome with a [female] friend, and while it was going on, I realized I didn’t actually want to participate. I kind of pulled back and was just enjoying what was happening. At that moment, I realized this was something I might be into.
Did you know it was even a fetish?
I didn’t even know what it was called for the longest time. A friend who knew someone else who was into it said it was called being a cuckquean.
It seems far more common for men to be into cuckolding — i.e., watching their girlfriends or wives have sex with other men. But not for women to be into watching their husbands or boyfriends sleep with other women.
Yes, it’s always shown as this overly sexualized thing where men would die to have this in their relationship with their partner.
Did it make you really jealous to watch your partner with another woman?
It did. And it was actually that jealousy that was the driving factor in why I enjoyed it so much. I liked the idea that I was jealous because I’m not actually a possessive person. The whole idea that “if you love me, you only want to spend your life with me and have sex with me” isn’t me. And in that moment, seeing someone who I loved and someone I do want to spend my life with, enjoying himself with someone else — it made me jealous in a way I didn’t even know I was capable of. But instead of letting it cloud my judgment and take over, I was like, Yes, I’m jealous, but this is what I enjoy most about it.
How did your boyfriend feel about it?
Well, he definitely tried to include me in the whole thing. I was participating at first, but when I pulled back and was just watching, he didn’t say anything. The next day, however, we talked about what we liked and didn’t like about it. He said, “I really thought you would participate way more.” I told him, “I was just watching you enjoy yourself.” He said he wanted me to participate more next time, but it wasn’t an issue if I didn’t want to, as long as I was 100 percent okay with it.
Do you do this with the same other woman or look for different other women?
Well, we aren’t polyamorous, we’re just in a nonmonogamous relationship. We aren’t interested in bringing another person into the relationship. If we meet someone and have sex with them, that’s cool.
How do you go about finding other partners?
I like girls as well, so usually what happens is that I find someone I like, and I introduce her to my partner.
How do you explain the situation to her?
I make it known to the woman that it’s okay that she finds him attractive and wants to have sex with him. I explain that we aren’t really monogamous. I drop little hints that I’m okay with it.
Do you tell the women up front that you’ll just be watching them have sex?
Well, the watching can get weird for some women. So sometimes I’m not there for the whole thing — or at all — and will ask my partner the next day to tell me what happened. It depends on the comfort level of the women. A lot of them aren’t comfortable being super intimate with another woman, like if they’re super straight or not even bi-curious. Each person is different, and we have to cater to what they’re okay with and not okay with.
Does that mean you’re not even in the house when they’re having sex?
No, I’m always in the house, just not in the room. The last time one of us had sex with someone else, it was a few months ago. We were all drinking, and then my partner fell asleep because he got a little too drunk and went to bed. The other girl and I started making out, and we moved to the bedroom where he was sleeping. After she and I were done, she fell asleep totally naked. So I left her there in the bed with my partner and went to sleep on the couch.
I knew when he woke up and saw her there naked next to him that he would understand that I made this happen for him and that she wasn’t there by accident. The next day, when she was gone, he said, “Oh yeah, we had sex this morning.” I then prodded him all day to tell me about it.
And this part — getting all the details out of him — is part of the turn-on for you?
Yeah, it’s twofold: the idea that he’s having sex with someone else and that it’s a sanctioned activity by me that he tells me about.
Does he ever point out women he’d like to sleep with, or are you choosing all the women yourself?
So far I have. I think he isn’t entirely sure how he would approach me if he were interested in a stranger. We haven’t had to face that yet. Every time, it’s been a mutual acquaintance or mutual friend I’ve chosen. It’s never been a third person unknown to me. I’m sure, though, that will probably end up happening though — life is long, and we’re young.
Are you ever more jealous than you can handle, or afraid he’ll develop feelings for one of your partners?
It hasn’t been a concern yet. One thing that bothered me a lot after the first threesome was that I felt he was physically more into the other girl because she was more petite than me. I’m not overweight, but I have big boobs and am not skinny. The other girl was significantly shorter than me, with a more fit body. Even the way he had sex with her was different than the way he has sex with me. It raised an insecurity in me from a physical point of view. As if he didn’t find me as physically attractive. I had to wonder, Do I satisfy him physically? Eventually, I addressed it. I asked him, “Do you think I’m physically less attractive than her?”
What was his response?
He was totally honest. He said, “You know what? Yeah, I’d like your body to be a little thinner than it is now. But if you don’t want that, I don’t need it either. You have to be happy with your body and enjoy the body you live in. And if this is the way you want to be, l love you.”
Did that help?
It did. I just needed to hear him say he was happy with me to get over my insecurity.
Do you find yourself picking women with body types you think would please him, or do you pick women that please you?
I think I subconsciously pick women that physically please him. I’m bisexual, though, so if she’s really hot, it’s not just a plus for him — it’s a plus for me, too.
Have you ever considered inviting men into the situation? Is he a cuckold?
I don’t think so. He’s okay with the idea. I don’t know if he would want to physically be there to see it, though. But he has offered [other men] to sleep with me. We’ve had people come over and done mushrooms, and things get crazy. My partner will take on my role and let the other person know, “It’s okay if you want to have sex with my partner.” One guy still freaked out. He said, “What the fuck are you doing?” I said, “Don’t worry, it’s okay.” But the guy was like, “Uhhhhh I don’t know what’s going on here.”
I’m sure he thought your partner wouldn’t really be okay with it.
It’s definitely tricky. The idea that there’s a couple who finds sexual partners for one another makes a lot of people feel scared and insecure. And so, I haven’t had many opportunities to accept my partner’s offers with men because the other men are too scared to do anything. Personalities matter, too. I’m bubbly, open and talkative. He’s more quiet and reserved. His approach is maybe not as welcoming as mine would be.
What do you think the biggest misconception is about your fetish?
It’s hardly spoken about, so I don’t know what people are thinking. I imagine the biggest question people would have is about jealousy. Jealousy is a real thing. It can be destructive. But it’s not all bad. If you know how to channel it, it can be quite exhilarating.
Do you feel it makes the sex better between the two of you?
We had great sex before when we were monogamous. This didn’t change anything in terms of the physical act. It’s more like a mental trip; in my mind, things are more fun and more dangerous now.
Why then do you think there aren’t more cuckqueans?
I think it has to do with power. Men have more power in the way our world is structured. I think cuckolding gets them turned on because it’s the illusion that they’re giving up power, when in fact they’re the ones in control. Like, “I’m a man. I’m in control. I’m going to let this woman have sex with this man.” I think for men it’s that dynamic of playing around with their own built-in male privilege.
But for women?
If you can identify the self-esteem issues to let a man do this, it’s a very enjoyable power. You get to imagine why men are so high on their power. It’s a power rush. It’s quite something to be like, “This is happening because of my approval.” It’s something to get off on. Women can enjoy it, if they let themselves.
Tracy Moore
Tracy Moore is a staff writer at MEL. She covers all the soft sciences like psychology, sex, relationships and parenting, but since this is a men’s magazine, occasionally the hard ones. Formerly at Jezebel.
