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Why Can’t I Get It Up for the Girl I’m Crazy About?

And all your other most pressing questions for adult film legend Tasha Reign

Every day, porn star and University of Southern California journalism grad student Tasha Reign wakes up to a curious string of emails from her fans, a devoted group of men and women she lovingly refers to as “Reigndeer.” Said Reigndeer ask her questions — so many questions — about her perspectives on sex, love, relationships and life itself, and as someone who’s had more firsthand experience in these areas than four average adult women combined, she’s become uniquely up to the task of answering them. Each Friday then, Tasha will select a few of these questions and grace us with her insight, advice and expert wisdom in the hopes that she can help you fuck long and prosper, too. 

I ordinarily don’t have erection problems, but when I really like someone, I tend to go soft when we’re about to fuck. It’s monstrously embarrassing. Why is this happening to me? Is there some sort of connection between feelings and flaccidity?
Let me tell you this: I’ve seen more than one flaccid penis in my day. They’re kinda sad to look at, but they’re also very, very normal. Most recently, I came into contact with one when I wanted to have some fun around my 30th birthday. Oh a whim, I got a hotel room for myself by the sea. Then I went down to the bar, ordered some cocktails and Bumble-swiped my way into what I thought was going to be a wild romp. Little did I know I what I was in for. 

After a few drinks and some odd conversation with my date in the hotel lobby — where he proceeded to chat up the older women to his left and to his right — I met him upstairs for some after-hours “fun.” After a little make-out session, I wanted to get straight to business. He seemed pretty ready to go as well, or so I thought. Because when he pulled out his member, it was limp. As it turned out, he was really into me, he was also just really nervous. 

More generally speaking, it happens because you’re a human, and humans have imperfect penises that respond to stress as much as they do to stimulation. When you feel pressure to perform a certain way or when you want to impress your partner, the blood doesn’t always flow properly and it can block your ability to get hard. 

Hopefully, you can communicate this to your partner. Just letting them know how stoked you are to be with them and that you’re happy to be there is helpful in alleviating the awkwardness. If I were you, though, I’d make up for it by fingering them or going down on them to get them off. That way, at least one of you is satisfied. It also makes you look competent and self-assured. The more you freak out about being limp, the bigger of a deal it’ll be. 

Back in my hotel room, my partner wasn’t so suave. He fell asleep, but at around 3 a.m., he abruptly jumped out of bed claiming he was having nightmares about his family being robbed in South America. He was shaking back and forth and making strange noises. Next, he got up and “took a walk” down the boardwalk, outside our hotel. Twenty minutes later, he returned to find me eating a grilled cheese and fries, not sharing a single bite with him. He left the hotel room at 6 a.m., leaving his gaudy jewelry behind on the end table. It was literally the weirdest thing I’ve seen in a while. 

He still contacts me to this day in hopes of rekindling the flame. I have a boyfriend now, but I wouldn’t go on another date with him even if I were single. And none of it has to do with his limp dick. That was the most insignificant part of our encounter, which proves my point that flaccid penises aren’t that big of a deal. It’s how you react to your dick being flaccid that matters. So chill out, sharpen your oral sex skills and you’ll be fine. 

My girlfriend kinda sucks at sex. I really like her and we’re compatible in pretty much every other way, but we just don’t have a lot of chemistry in that area. I don’t, however, know how to tell her that without making her feel insecure. How do you help your partner get better in bed in, like, a nice way?
It’s awesome that all the other boxes are checked in your relationship because contrary to popular belief, sex is actually the easiest problem to remedy. All it takes is a little communication and some instruction and honesty, which are things any functioning couple can feasibly do. And while it can be daunting to have those conversations, don’t worry — I know from personal experience that teaching each other how to be better partners in the bedroom can be really fun! After all, it gives you an excuse to experiment with new things and get to know each other better. What’s more fun that that?

In the past, when I’ve literally had to take my boyfriend’s cunnilingus virginity, I coached him and showed him exactly how I liked things done downtown. I used videos, guides I found on the internet and my own personal instructions. I also got very clear with myself about what I wanted — the more sure I was of what felt good for me, the easier it was to communicate it to him. So as you go about training your girlfriend to touch you and connect with you in the way you like, do some research and gather up videos and instructions that resonate with what turns you on.

That said, I’d recommend having those conversations outside of the bedroom, at a time when you’re not in the throes of sex. When you’re being intimate with someone, you’re often more vulnerable than at other times. That’s great for intimacy, but can also lead to more hurt feelings and stress. Instead, use this conversation as a form of foreplay. Instead of saying, “You’re bad at at sex, babe,” bring it up like it’s something new you’d like to try. Use your resources to show her how you’d like it done, and then let the sex follow. 

I always like, too, what I call the “compliment sandwich,” which basically involves sneaking a suggestion in between two compliments to soften the impact. For example: “I love when you suck my dick, but maybe next time when you’re stroking it, you can use a little more force. Because you look so hot when you’re doing it.” That should help you avoid sounding like a dick, while letting her know that she turns you on and you appreciate what she’s doing. 

However, if you’ve done your best to show her what you like and things still aren’t clicking, you might want to reconsider if this is something you can deal with long-term. Personally, when I’ve had trouble getting wet and excited in the bedroom with my partner, it was my body was telling me to get out of the relationship. For me at least, it’s nature’s way of saying, “Hey, this one isn’t the right one.” 

So I’d say that you should try everything you can with this girl — including going to a sex therapist if you need to. But once you’ve exhausted your resources, move on if the sexual chemistry still isn’t there (if sexual chemistry is important to you, that is). If it’s not, don’t sweat it — because it sounds like your relationship is rock-solid otherwise. 

Do you think the saying “get over someone by getting under someone else” is true? I’m going through a rough breakup right now and my friends keep telling me to “bang Tinder trash” to get over it — problematic term, I know. Is that an actual solution or just a Band-Aid?
Fuck yes, it’s an actual solution! Get out there and hunt. When the love of my life broke up with me during college, I went on a fucking frenzy and became an escort. It was pretty extreme, but it helped me move on because it gave me that much-needed physical connection as well as provided me with an outlet to get all my pent-up sexual energy and frustration out. I also thought it made him upset, which made my ego very happy. 

Is it going to fix everything? No. Is it going to delete the memories of your ex, or stop you from being in love with them? No. But it’ll help in the moment. It might even help to bridge the gap between the self-loathing many of us feel after a breakup and the eventual confidence we need to enter into new relationships.

I wouldn’t limit your sex to so-called “Tinder trash,” though. Maybe you can find some Bumble bees or shiny Hinge gems to balance things out so you’re not being quite so objectifying of your partners? A little of that is okay — it’s fun and nasty to engage in reckless behavior every now and then — but just make sure to lead with exactly what you’re looking for in your profile so you don’t take anyone by surprise when you try to bang on the first date. If you’re going to fuck your way to breakup recovery, do so responsibly and with the fully-informed consent of your future partners in mind. 

One big caveat, though: Fucking the entire world after a breakup is only going to help if you’re the type of person who a) can have casual sex without getting emotionally entangled; and b) sees sex as a healing modality. If you’re not, and you don’t tend to feel great after one-night stands or you have a traumatic relationship with sex, going on a sexual rampage might not be the best answer for you. 

In that case, you might want to go with whatever grief-processing methods feel more authentic to you — be that meditation, exercise, therapy, traveling, masturbation or whatever else makes you feel whole and grounded. That’s not to say you should withhold sex from yourself as you work through the heartbreak, just that if you’re going to go berserk on dating apps, it’s really only going to be therapeutic if you’re the type of person who’d enjoy doing that in the first place. If you’re not, it’ll probably make you feel emptier than you already do. 

Feel free to send me your sex, love and relationship questions at tashareign1@gmail.com!