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How Do I Motivate My Instagram-Obsessed, Unambitious Significant Other?

And all your other most pressing questions for adult film legend Tasha Reign

Every day, porn star and University of Southern California journalism grad student Tasha Reign wakes up to a curious string of emails from her fans, a devoted group of men and women she lovingly refers to as “Reigndeer.” Said Reigndeer ask her questions — so many questions — about her perspectives on sex, love, relationships and life itself, and as someone who’s had more firsthand experience in these areas than four adult women combined, she’s become uniquely up to the task of answering them. Once a week then, Tasha will select a few of these questions and grace us with her insight, advice and expert wisdom in the hopes that she can help you fuck and love long, too. 

I know you get a lot of questions about shaving on here, but I have to ask: I’ve told my girlfriend several times that I prefer when she shaves, especially when going down on her. But when I tell her this, she gets really hurt and pissed. I’m not sure why — is it not okay for me to express my preference? People have different preferences about facial hair so, what’s the difference?
This question really resonates with me for a lot of reasons, but mostly because it dredges up a memory of the hairiest, nastiest blow job I ever gave. 

The story goes like this: When I was 18, I met a man at Coachella. He was older, blonde and skinny, and I was a fresh little thing in a corset and heels. I thought he was handsome, so I let him fly me out to San Francisco to meet him a few weeks later. He picked me up from the airport in the cheesiest way possible — in a limo with roses — and I was so young that I was actually impressed. 

But when we got back to his place and started going at it, I discovered he had the most disgusting pubic hair I’d ever seen. Though I hadn’t been with that many guys yet, I knew what an average amount of hair down there looked like, and that was not it. It was like an overgrown forest, an impenetrable carpet of hair that had grown so unfathomably thick that no light, heat or sound could have possibly gotten through. His ass, which I remember like it was yesterday, wasn’t shaved or trimmed either. 

Though I was shocked to the bone, I proceeded to go down on him anyway. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have — it was one of the most disgusting oral sex sessions I’ve ever had (there was so much hair in my mouth). Afterwards, he told me he had a girlfriend, which I was fine with because honestly, I never wanted to see his pubes again. 

From that experience, I developed my own preference: I like my men trimmed (or shaved, even). And while I’d never outwardly body shame someone with a full bush, I’d probably express my preference just like you did, more than once if I had to. 

Here’s the thing, though: Your girlfriend probably has nowhere near the amount of pubic hair that my San Francisco Romeo did. He was a rare beast. Unless there’s something you’re not telling me, I’d imagine her pubic situation is totally manageable and that going down on her or having sex with her while she’s unshaven probably isn’t anywhere near of an adventure as it was for me. 

It’s totally fine that you like when she’s bare, but when you repeatedly tell her that, you send the message that her pubic situation makes you less attracted to her or less interested in giving her pleasure. Whether or not that’s how you mean it, being constantly reminded that you want her to look different than she naturally does is bound to make her feel a little insecure. It might also make her less likely to ask for pleasure unless she’s completely barren, which would suck for her! I’m sure she still goes down on when you have a man bush, but now you’re getting all finicky about returning the favor? No wonder she’s upset!

That’s not to say you can’t bring it up, but if you prefer her lady parts shaven, make sure you express it in a non-aggressive way. Saying something like “I hate going down you when you’re hairy,” or “Oh, you haven’t shaved?” is bitchy. But saying something like, “I love the way your labia feels against my tongue right after you’ve shaved,” or “Your pussy is beautiful, and I love being able to see every inch of it” is not. Also, don’t mention your preference to her while you’re going down on her as this will only make her feel insecure. Wait until a more appropriate time to talk about it, and if you can’t find one, take one for the team. Pubic hair shouldn’t be such a big deal that it gets in the way of good sex! 

Oh, and your facial hair is not the same thing as her pubic hair. The sexual shame and stigma women have had to deal with since what seems like the dawn of time is incomparable in every way to men’s facial hair trends, so let’s leave that rationalization at the door. 

My wife and I just bought a house and we’re in the furnishing stage. It’s nice, but there’s a problem: We have completely different tastes. Every little thing has become a fight. It’s to the point where the stress of getting the house together is making us resent each other. We’re falling apart. What should I do?
OMG, this is exactly what I’m dealing with right now, and I can honestly say it’s been one of the biggest obstacles in my relationship. It’s actually gotten so bad that I feel like my boyfriend and I will have to live in separate houses one day!

Let me give you some perspective about my situation, though. I grew up in Laguna Beach with a well-known interior decorator as a mother — shoutout to Claudia Darr Designs — and let me tell you, she was literally a design goddess. Our home was consistently on the cover of, or featured in, House Beautiful and Country Living, and while she designed all sorts of spaces, our houses were always cozy, feminine and inviting. 

I get my design sense from her. It’s a very specific one that I incorporate into everything I do — a kind of glamorous, girly “shabby chic” with lots of white and gold. It’s far from masculine and not modern or spacious at all. 

Meanwhile, Kyle, my boyfriend of almost a year, is a strict minimalist. He likes wide, empty spaces, modern fixtures, geometric designs and — gag — stripes. He also doesn’t understand the concept of vintage at all — one time, he asked me why something would cost more if it’s not new. I seriously almost cried.

Worst of all, Kyle doesn’t have “stereotypical man” style. He’s actually extremely stylish, and even studies fashion at FIDM in L.A. Know what that means? I can’t even pull the bad taste card on him! I have to deal with the fact that his design sense isn’t actually bad, which gives me less of a leg to stand on when I’m trying to rationalize why I need 42 throw pillows on my bed. Honestly, I don’t know how we’re going to live together. 

But we’re gonna have to figure it out — and like, immediately. Because on December 1st, we move into our new home. The only solution we could possibly come up with before then has been to hire someone else to decorate our house for us. When we get there, it’ll be filled with new objects that are a mix of both our styles; new objects I have absolutely no prior attachment to; objects that are so neutral that they’re not worth fighting over — I hope. I know not everyone can afford that option, but since I’m lucky enough to be able to, that was by far the best one. 

I wish I had a better answer for you. I really do. But the truth is, I have no idea how to solve this in my own relationship, so I’m not going to sit here and tell you how you should solve it in yours. For now, just know that you’re not alone. I’m with you, and I promise you that what you’re feeling is only temporary. If each of you can compromise a little bit and try to focus on the other aspects of your home or relationship that are positive, you might have a fighting chance of getting through it — unless, of course, one of you still insists on stripes.

My boyfriend has a lot of ambitions, hopes and dreams, but he never really does anything to go after them. He talks about what they are and what he’d rather be doing, but mostly he’s just on Instagram and playing Words with Friends. I’ve tried to be supportive and motivating, but it has no effect and it’s starting to really turn me off.
To me at least, your boyfriend doesn’t sound unmotivated; he just sounds human. I can really relate to his attitude — though I’m outwardly successful and ambitious, I’ve gone through plenty of funks where I’m procrastinating and not moving forward with what I want to do in life. Not to sound like a Hallmark card or anything, but there’s a time for dreaming and there’s a time for doing, and your boyfriend just might not be ready for the latter. 

I do, however, see why that would turn you off. I’m a hard worker and put everything I have into what I do, so it’s nice when I see that level of drive reflected in my partner. It shows me they feel confident and capable and that they have other things going on outside our relationship, which is pretty hot. 

At the same time, it’s unrealistic to expect other people to be as ambitious or together as you are. You also can’t “make” someone achieve their goals — that’s on them. All you can really do in a situation like yours is try your best to be his cheerleader and support him emotionally, turning any anger you have at him into encouragement. You can try suggesting little things to help with motivation — transcendental meditation has been a game changer for me — but the end of the day, nothing you say or do is going to light the fire under his ass he needs to move forward. 

Separately, I’d have a very serious conversation with yourself about whether you’re okay with where he’s at and how he’s handling himself, because there’s a possibility this could be a permanent state. Pay attention to what he says versus what he does, not just when it comes to his goals but with you as well. This really matters in a relationship over the long run. If he keeps saying he’ll do things with you but never follows through, note that. 

If you’ve given your all and tried your best to be supportive but there’s no change on the horizon, you either need to accept him for who he is or move on. I know I wouldn’t stay with a person who was unmotivated, so I wouldn’t blame you either way.

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