Every day, porn star and University of Southern California journalism grad student Tasha Reign wakes up to a curious string of emails from her fans, a devoted group of men and women she lovingly refers to as “Reigndeer.” Said Reigndeer ask her questions — so many questions — about her perspectives on sex, love, relationships and life itself, and as someone who’s had more firsthand experience in these areas than four adult women combined, she’s become uniquely up to the task of answering them. Each Saturday then, Tasha will select a few of these questions and grace us with her insight, advice and expert wisdom in the hopes that she can help you fuck and love long, too.
How can I get my girlfriend to swallow? She doesn’t seem into, but I really love it.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but a lot of people do not like the act of swallowing cum. Can you blame them? Would you swallow your own cum? I’m willing to bet you wouldn’t. It doesn’t always taste great, it’s texturally odd and some people find the concept of consuming and digesting something that came from inside someone else’s body to be, well, unappetizing. That’s not to say some people don’t like it — I know tons of people of all genders who love guzzling semen — I’m just saying: I get where your girlfriend’s coming from.
Personally, I only swallow when I know someone very well. If I’m just starting to date them, I’ll spit it out or have them come somewhere else on my body because it’s a little too intimate of an act to do with someone I’m not invested in. If I’m in love with someone, though, I’ll swallow. It’s a bonding act that makes me feel closer to them. Porn is a different story altogether. When I’m performing, I’ll swallow if I’m asked to beforehand, but I’ll be candid with you: I haven’t been able to hold down every load I’ve attempted to take down — and I’m a professional!
The good news is there are some things you can do to make swallowing a more pleasant experience for your girlfriend. First, change your diet. Eat lots of fresh fruits — especially pineapple — and drink a lot of water. Avoid cigarettes, alcohol, processed foods and red meat, as these things tend to make cum taste funky.
Next, ask politely if she’d be willing to swallow and express to her how much you love when she does so. Tell her why you like it so much. Ask her what she wants from you. Is there anything you could do to make it a more pleasant experience? What could you do to turn her on while it’s happening? One thing that’s always helped me is to take my partner’s penis as deep into my mouth as I can while he’s coming so that the tip of it is right on the very back of my tongue. If your girlfriend can get it into her mouth that far without choking, your semen should bypass most of her taste buds, and she can swallow it without having to hold it in her mouth for long enough to consider its varied tasting notes.
If she’s still not into it, that’s just something you’ll have to work around. I’d recommend watching porn and fulfilling the fantasy that way. Not all fantasies have to become realities, and sex is never fun when one person’s not into something, so do your best to respect her and her boundaries (she is doing all the work, after all).
How do you have rough sex respectfully? My wife wants me to “slap her around,” but I’m not even sure what that means. I want to please her, but I’m terrified to hurt her and not even that turned on by the rough stuff to begin with. Is there a way to compromise?
I don’t blame you for feeling confused. No one in their right mind would want to intentionally hurt their partner, and being asked to do so can make some people feel creepy, like they’re predators or bad people (though they’re absolutely not if what they’re doing is consensual). No one prepares you to have conversations about rough sex or consent either, so most of us lack the understanding to have productive discussions around types of play that get a little rowdier than, say, your average six-minute missionary sesh.
It’s too bad because rough sex is a very common and healthy fantasy for all genders to have. I love it myself (especially slapping and choking). But here’s the thing: I want it on my terms. I want to have a conversation about it first. I want my partner to understand how I want it done, when I want it done and why it turns me on. I want them to feel safe doing those things to me, and for myself to trust them with that responsibility. Above all, I want to make sure we both consent to what I’m asking for. In fact, it’s that consent and conversation that differentiates rough sex from abuse or violence.
I suspect that’s where your wife is coming from — she wants to have these kinds of conversations with you so you can experiment with her (very normal) desires safely and lovingly (it’s during these conversations that you should ask exactly what she means by “slap her around,” as only she would know what that means for her). And you know what? If she’s open to discussing these acts in the first place, I bet she’ll also understand that you’re not a perfect, pre-programmed rough sex machine. She’ll probably give you slack for being human and working through the learning curve it takes to get good at rough stuff; you just have to talk about it.
Now, about that learning curve. If you’re wondering how to perform rough sex from a technical standpoint, sites like Kink.com and Jessica Drake’s Guide to BDSM for Beginners offer videos that showcase exactly how to do the things your wife is asking for. You can see how to slap without bruising, choke without suffocating and dominate while still being gentle, respectul and consent-seeking. The more quality instructional you watch about these topics, the more likely you are to get the movements down and to realize that they’re not actually as violent as they may seem to you now. You’ll also realize there are plenty of ways to be rough without actually hurting someone.
Beyond those videos, to my earlier point above, one fun game I like to play is “slap me harder.” You can see exactly what she means when she says “slap” by testing the limits of how hard you can go and where she wants you to smack when you’re outside of the bedroom. Ask all the specific questions:
- “Where do you want to be slapped?”
- “How hard do you want to be slapped?”
- “When do you want to be slapped?”
- “Why do you want to be slapped?”
- “Do you want to role play when we do this?”
That way, when you’re in the bedroom, you’ll be able to pull from your training. And remember: You don’t have to do any of the “rough” things she wants with full force; you can do lite™ versions of everything if that’s more comfortable for you. I ask my boyfriend to choke me all the time, and he does, just really lightly (he’s definitely holding back, but at least he’s doing it).
Lastly, make sure you have a safe word. This is a word either of you can say in case things get too intense and you want to stop. Make sure it’s not something you’d say in the course of a typical sexual interaction. “Mom jeans” is a good one. You’re welcome.
I know it can be challenging to understand why someone would want you to hurt them, especially when you’re not into doing so yourself. But try your best to empathize. For many people, the line between pain and pleasure is razor thin, and the fact that she trusts you enough to try this with her says a lot about how much she values you. Besides, I’m sure there’s something you enjoy that she finds questionable, but does anyway. Titty-fucking perhaps? Never understood that one myself…
I pay for most things in my relationship with my significant other — dinner, movies, vacations, gifts, you name it. I make more money, so it’s almost always on my dime. I feel more like a bank than a boyfriend at this point, though. How do I express to my partner that I need more financial contribution from him without hurting his feelings?
I can relate to your partner. In my romantic relationships, I prefer to have the man — or at least the person who’s making more money — be the official bankroller of our relationship. That’s just the way I was raised in Orange County, where my father took care of my family and most of my friend’s fathers did the same. Because of this, I’m sort of programmed to see the guy, or the more profitable partner, as the person who should be paying for all the things you are. I can’t help but admit that I enjoy feeling secure and taken care of when someone else acts as the breadwinner, and it’s possible your partner feels the same.
At the same time, I can see how shelling out all the cash would make you feel like you matter less than your checking account does. In order to work through these feelings, you have to be very clear about what you expect from your partner, why you expect those things and whether those expectations are reasonable. I’d just be direct about it — finances are a touchy and sensitive topic, but they’re also an incredibly important one, so the more straightforward you can be with your partner, the more likely you’ll get what you want.
If you need some talking points, consider the following questions: How much, and how often, should they contribute monetarily in order for you to feel like the scales are balanced? What do you want them to start paying for? Is it possible that they are actually contributing, just in other, non-financial ways like emotional support and spending time with you? Do they even have enough capital to make the kinds of contributions you’re wanting? If they do, you’re well within your right to ask that they chip in more (and to let them know what you’d like them to start paying for). If they don’t, you might want to rethink what’s actually reasonable to ask them for.
Communicating your feelings about these things is the toughest part of the equation, but it’s a necessary step if you want to feel valued for more than your money.
Feel free to send me your sex, love and relationship questions at firstname.lastname@example.org!