Why Isn’t American McDonald’s as Horny as Thailand’s?

McDonald’s isn’t a concept begging for improvement. The company will tweak its menu and messaging to follow trends and stay competitive, but really, it’s always going to be the same. That’s the point: You can walk into any McDonald’s in the world and bask in the familiarity.

Unless, I suppose, you’re in Thailand, where McDonald’s is intensely horny.

Yep, those are marketing images from the good folks at McDonald’s Thailand, who looked at a Big Mac and thought, We need an optical illusion where it appears as if someone is about to passionately French kiss this stack of beef. And I sort of hate to say it, but… they were right. McDonald’s, in its American guise, has always catered to families — the Happy Meals, the ball pits, the horrible clown and his band of mascot freaks — and never the “after dark” adult crowd.

No wonder stoners prefer Taco Bell.

If we’re honest with ourselves (and I hope we always can be here at MEL magazine dot com), McDonald’s does have horny vibes, however much the American side of the company prefers to deny it. The restaurant is like the booty call of food: You roll over there at 1 a.m. to smash, practically salivating on the way. As soon as the smell of fry grease hits you, a thick and savory perfume, you’re ready to be enveloped in the sizzle of the grill, the taste of saturated fat. You know this isn’t healthy behavior, yet a primitive instinct overrides any higher cognition. This will happen, and you will fucking love it.

Till now, burger commercials have kept their sensuality muted. We see the shapely buns, the perfect glisten and char on a patty, that satisfying first big bite. Subtext only. That we actually want to have sex with the burger is a fact we simply refused to confront. Which is why we should thank McDonald’s Thailand for breaking the horny barrier at last. It’s a fearless act that is sure to usher in a golden age of openly arousing ads for chicken nuggets and breakfast sandwiches. They have truly changed the game.

Although, in fairness, Burger King helped, too.

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Miles Klee

Miles Klee is MEL’s resident tank-top dirtbag, shitposter and meme expert. He’s also the author of the novel ‘Ivyland’ and a story collection, ‘True False.’