It’s that time of year where families come together to celebrate Thanksgiving, the colonialist sham holiday that happens to involve lots of grub. But with the general population having been stuck inside for most of the year and the intimate touch of human contact becoming a rarity to most, this is shaping up to be the most sexually frustrated Turkey Day in recent memory. In that spirit, here’s some horny advice for stuffing your holiday bird from the people who know the act best: fisting fetishists.
Know What You’re Working With
In some ways, the fistee and the holiday turkey aren’t all that different. “Much like some bratty bottom, the turkey is frustrating but, properly handled, can be so rewarding,” says James Beard-nominated writer and MEL contributor Rax King. She’s right to say it. As someone who has been both hand-filled and the hand-filler (as well as having professionally worked as a butcher), I can confidently say that to get either stuffing right calls for a similar amount of time, patience, preparation and care, as well as a bit of audacity.
Xiomara Merrywidow (also known as Mxstress X), a dominatrix and physicist with a love for the culinary arts, similarly notes that “not only do both [turkeys and orifices] have a fragrant and resilient cavity that must be stuffed for optimal flavor, but they also both taste better when basted in their own juices.” Any way you cut it — or in this case, stuff it — filling the hole in question is a decadent affair.
Cleaning Out and Preparing
Before you can get all the way up in that turkey hole, there’s plenty of preparation to be done, first and foremost of which is getting your bird clean. The recommended procedure for cleaning out a holiday turkey is similar to a bottom cleaning themselves out before anal — best done with water rather than a saline enema solution. But unlike the common bottom, turkeys are unable to close their permanently gaping hole, so multiple rinses are likely necessary to get that poultry’s insides ready for your fist. “As much as I enjoy the sensual experience of hand-to-hole contact, I have to say gloves make the process a bit less messy,” offers Mxstress X.
After your turkey’s hole is all clean and douched out, your next step will be to get the bird dry inside and out. “Interestingly, I prepare to stuff a human cavity by lubricating it as much as possible; whereas I prepare to stuff a bird cavity by patting it dry and seasoning the hole with salt and pepper,” says King. “Not sure what that says about the dry-ass pussy of turkeys.”
For those making their stuffing in the turkey rather than outside of it, this is especially important as it helps keep your stuffing from soaking up any raw turkey juice (not delicious) and reduces risk of salmonella (decidedly unsexy).
The Right Stuff(ing)
The contents of your stuffing are your space to experiment and freestyle. “Fill that hole in whatever manner feels best to you,” says King. “I’m a fan of stuffing with sausage. I could elaborate in case anyone is legitimately turning to this story for a stuffing recipe, but it’s less funny that way.”
The only real guiding principle for stuffing is that whatever you put in that big ol’ turkey bussy (or “turkussy,” if you will) should contribute moisture and flavor to your bird as it cooks. Mxstress X adds that the “ideal stuffing is something with substance that can really hold onto all those hot hole juices and keep that cavity nice and stretched out. That’s what keeps your slippery bird cooking nice and evenly.”
She’s Southern, so she usually goes with a cornbread-based stuffing filled with lots of aromatics — she likes it a little sweet.
Stuffed, Roughed Up and Dripping
You’ll want to heat up your stuffing in the microwave beforehand (otherwise it cooks at a slower rate than the turkey) and make sure any of its meat elements are cooked prior to baking. While that’s happening, you should season your bird. Mxstress X recommends seasoning with garlic and spices like paprika and rainbow peppercorn to give your meat a little bite. Once you lube it up inside and out with butter or oil, your turkey is ready to be hand-stuffed like a bear in a leather bar.
As an aside — a little treat, if you will — allow me to offer my expertise as a human hand puppet to help you understand what it’s like to be the turkey here. Imagine feeling so filled up that it’s both overwhelmingly pleasurable and somewhat painful. Stuffed to the point that thought escapes you, and you’re only left with a yearning for the vague concept of “more” regardless of whether it’s feasible. Of course turkeys, being the ultimate size queens they are, have no need for poppers or working their way up from smaller toys and/or fewer fingers to open up. They can simply swallow your hand and all the fixin’s in their giant, perma-gaping holes.
When at last you’re wrist deep in turkussy, it can be easy to get carried away. But try not to overstuff it. It’s essential to remember that, much like an inflatable butt plug, stuffing expands while it cooks, so too much filling could cause your roast to figuratively bottom out (the sexiest ratio of stuffing to bird is three-quarters cups per pound of meat).
Anyway, back to the recipe. Another key area to handle is the neck cavity, the main spot for moisture to escape from inside the turkey. Your options are to either double-stuff your bird from both ends like the filthy little slut it is or to gag that sucker by threading a steel skewer through the neck skin.
Your last kinky trick before cooking will be to bind your turkey in the chef’s preferred bondage rope — twine. Wrap your twine around the neck and the tucked-in wings, and then bring it back around to hold its little legs in the air. Tying the legs up is essential to keeping the little avian trollop from pushing out all the delicious stuffing you fed that greedy hole.
As the turkey cooks, you’ll want to make sure the stuffing inside gets to a temperature of 165 degrees Fahrenheit. Along with a good juicy stuffing, the other key to keeping your bird moist is to treat it like a tramp and absolutely cover it in its own drippings, because as Mxstress X states, “Nobody wants an ashy bird.”
After it’s finally done cooking, you’ll have a holiday centerpiece that, to paraphrase Megan Thee Stallion, is absolutely screaming “Gobble me, swallow me, stuffing is inside of me.”
Chingy Nea
Chingy Nea is a writer, comedian and critically acclaimed ex-girlfriend based out of L.A. and Oakland.
