Article Thumbnail

I Don’t Think Elon Musk’s ‘Describe My Dick’ Defense Is Going to Work

The tech magnate is trying to tweet his way out of a sexual misconduct scandal

As Business Insider prepared to publish an article detailing how SpaceX paid a flight attendant $250,000 to settle a sexual misconduct claim against founder and CEO Elon Musk, the extremely online blowhard set about arranging for a spirited defense. He hastily announced that he was abandoning the Democratic party to align himself with Republicans, suggesting that “political attacks” against him would increase as a result. He also told Business Insider there was “a lot more to the story,” which is not great spin for allegations that already involve soliciting an employee for sexual favors, exposing yourself to her and offering a horse as payment.

Yet Musk’s masterstroke, as it were, came in a tweet where he demanded that the flight attendant’s friend, who attested to hearing this story from her at the time, describe his penis.

Bro, what? How scarred and tattooed is your junk? And exactly what, pertaining to said genitals, do you assume to be “known by the public”? 

When the woman you allegedly harassed told a close acquaintance about it, I doubt she went into great detail on the aesthetics or dimensions of Elon Jr. — she was recounting a traumatic event. We can assume you’re only issuing this challenge because you know that her anonymous friend wouldn’t stoop to such a level even if she had that information, which allows you to pretend there’s nothing to the claims. But you’re really making it sound like 1) it did happen, and 2) you have an oddly identifiable dick and balls. 

While a great majority of sex organs are fairly similar from person to person, this wouldn’t be the first time a rich creep was packing something weirder. Thanks to Stormy Daniels, we know that Donald Trump’s member looks like Toad from Super Mario. And the late pedophile Jeffrey Epstein was said to have an “egg-shaped” penis that may have born marks from surgery, to his embarrassment. Maybe Musk is in the same boat, or else has unusually bloated, shiny testicles. We cannot say at this time. However, there can be no earthly scenario in which it matters.         

Oh, I see. Conservatives won’t rest until every police department employs a penile sketch artist. Fine with me — it’ll cut down on the almost zero cases of false accusations. Just remember, the next time your billionaire boss whips it out in front of you, to make note of its size, shape, coloring, texture, pubic hair and exact degree of rigidity. Then we’ll get him in a suspect lineup.