There’s lots of things about sex that the movies don’t teach you. Firstly, that you shouldn’t look to Hollywood for your sex education (although it’s not like schools are doing it any better). Also, if you don’t pee immediately afterwards, you’ll get a UTI. You don’t have to moan during it, either, and sex is much messier than it looks on the silver screen. Yes, I’m talking about cum. While semen is a rare entity in mainstream media, it’s a regular cast member in our everyday lives. And, like it or lump it, you’ve got to clean it up afterwards.
As we learned from There’s Something About Mary — the vessel for cinema’s most notorious cum scene — semen can end up anywhere, and it can be pretty hard to get rid of, particularly if it lands in or around your face. While beauty aficionados preach about the skin-smoothing, hair-growing benefits of cum, and health nuts promote its low calorie count and plethora of vitamins, sometimes you want to skip the five-step semen routine and simply return to your regular, cum-free state of being.
So, just how do you get cum out of your hair?
The most logical answer is: Wash your hair. “There’s nothing worse than trying to get dried cum out of your hair,” says porn star Kylie Le Beau. “So, since the cumshot happens toward the end of the shoot, once it’s wrapped I immediately wash it out with nice shampoo and conditioner. I like using Carol’s Daughter because it smells great and leaves your hair feeling silky and cum-free.”
Unfortunately, life isn’t always so kind as to afford you enough time to rush to the shower in the short interval before the cum evolves into its solid state. But, as L.A.-based hair stylist Monty Porter previously told MEL, if you find yourself in this predicament, all you need is “a spray bottle of water to wet it and then (a comb to) brush it out.”
But if porn stars get cum in their hair during the action, Le Beau says they just let it linger. “This has happened to me plenty of times,” she explains. “The directors want continuity as much as possible, so I just act like it’s not there and continue to roll with it.”
For those who do want to test cum’s effectiveness as a nourishing hair mask, you might want to head to the salon before you start rubbing your boyfriend’s jizz all over your scalp. In 2007, a conditioning treatment was developed at a salon in London that uses odorless bull semen mixed with extract from a Katira plant. The concoction — which is applied after shampooing — is said to strengthen the hair’s texture, therefore promoting hair growth. A few years later, an L.A. salon introduced the “ballsy” treatment, which allegedly cost between $90 and $138. While the concoction no longer appears to be available at its founding London salon (or anywhere else), in L.A., it was offered off-menu, so why not head down to your local hairdresser and just ask?
To the salon!