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Bateman Goes Bluth, Getting Horny on Main and the Deal with ‘Deadpool 2’

The best of MEL from The Week That Was

How about a three-day weekend, amirite? What are you going to do with 24 extra hours? Personally, I’m going to nurse a hangover while I stuff my face with some combo of smoked, encased meat, and try not to drown myself in a pool.

You should also do all of the above, but also check out our best stories that weren’t in our Summer Body Issues package (which you should definitely take a peek at too if you haven’t already). We’ve got everything from accidentally tweeting about porn to an investigation into whether all vaginas feel the same.

What can we say?

We were horny for the three-day weekend.

The Week’s Most Popular Stories

‘Jason Bateman Pulled a Real Michael Bluth on That One, Huh?’

It was a bad week for the cast of Arrested Development, but with the exception of mean creep Jeffrey Tambor, no one stepped in it more than Jason Bateman. That’s because Bateman decided the cast’s disastrous New York Times interview was the perfect opportunity for life to imitate art, and went full Michael Bluth. READ MORE

‘What to Do When You Accidentally Tweet Porn’

Speaking of bad weeks, Starship Troopers star Dean Norris also found himself regretful over the last seven days. That’s because, on the evening of Tuesday, May 23, 2018, he tweeted the phrase “Sex gifs,” without context. Norris has yet offer any follow-up statement, and that’s probably for the best: Efforts at damage control rarely work in situations such as this. Which is a good segue into our tips for people who forget to log out before getting turned on. READ MORE

‘‘Deadpool 2’ and the Art of Not Giving a Fuck’

The original Deadpool thumbed its nose at bloated Marvel movies. And, to its credit, that misanthropic spirit paid off: Deadpool was a massive success, bringing in nearly $800 million worldwide. The sequel, however, with its now $110 million budget (nearly double that of the original), tries to make peace with the fact that, this time, it is the blockbuster franchise. And the movie pulls it off—by not giving a fuck. READ MORE

‘Do All Vaginas Feel Different?: An Investigation’

One question in particular has been kicking around the MEL writer’s room recently: If the size and shape of men’s dicks feel different to the people riding them, is the opposite true of women’s vaginas? We asked columnist merritt k to investigate—and if what her thoroughly unscientific research tells us is true, the answer is yeah, kinda. READ MORE

‘Crunching the Numbers: Do You Want $1 Million Upfront or $100 Every Time You Masturbate?’

At the risk of repeating ourselves—in fairness, there’s a large image separating this text from the headline above—would you rather have $1 million upfront, or $100 every time you masturbate for the rest of your life? That hypothetical was posed by a viral meme this week. Which got us thinking: How much would the Average Joe have to jerk off in order to make that $100 worthwhile? Let’s do the math. READ MORE

A Brief Video Interlude

Every day, we post an episode of our original series TL;DR to Facebook, because as our owner frequently points out to us, most of the time, there are just too many fucking words on the site. Our favorite this week was about the extinction of a crustacean that had nothing to do with food shortages, climate change or meteors.

TL;DR: The Animal Who Died Out Because Its Dick Was Too Big

Did you know that an ancient crustacean died out not because of any natural disaster or venereal disease, but because its dick was too big?That crustacean was called Colymbosathon ecplecticos, a.k.a. “astounding swimmer with a large penis.” This is its story.

Posted by MEL Magazine on Friday, May 25, 2018

And Finally, Let’s Hear from You, Our Dear Readers

This week we reported on NASA’s recent decision to send containers filled with frozen sperm into space to explore how our swimmers react to zero gravity. For one commenter, however, this wasn’t news at all:

Ahhh, yes. What would a story about sperm be without a masturbation joke?