Alan Dershowitz Is 2020’s Worst Wife Guy

The galaxy-brained lawyer has an alibi made for the meme circuit

We’re only a bit more than halfway through this year, but I feel confident in naming 2020’s worst, creepiest, most objectionable Wife Guy. It’s Alan Dershowitz. Congratulations, you utter freak.

These days, when the infamous lawyer is not publishing op-eds in which he bizarrely claims that “anti-Israel extremists” are “trying to exploit the tragic and inexcusable death of George Floyd to level their typical baseless charges against Israel,” he’s busy defending himself in the court of public opinion. For years, Dershowitz has been dogged by the accusation that he had sex with a teenager forced into the act by Jeffrey Epstein — a client he helped to shield from prosecution on similar grounds. With Epstein’s follow-up charges in 2019, subsequent death in prison and now the arrest of his alleged co-conspirator Ghislaine Maxwell, Dersh is obviously feeling the heat, and appears to be on the offensive: He agreed to interviews for the Netflix docuseries Jeffrey Epstein: Filthy Rich and rushed to get his presumption of Maxwell’s innocence in print.

Mostly, though, Dershowitz is firing off panicky tweets, arguing his case with no one (and with all the technical proficiency of a Boomer taking photos on his iPad). For all his legal expertise, he doesn’t seem to realize that we, the masses, are not responsible for any lawsuit against him, nor for proving his guilt or bringing criminal charges. We are, however, disposed to regard him as a lunatic digging a very, very deep hole, and to mock him whenever he picks up the shovel again. Even the illustrious dril, not typically a replier, can’t resist jumping into the shitshow.

A year after he offered some… analysis of age of consent laws, we’ve finally arrived at the point where Dershowitz is openly praying for the existence of rape footage that would (somehow?) exonerate him. Otherwise, his denials of misconduct and sexual predation currently hinge on the presence of his wife for any flight he took to Little St. James, Epstein’s private island.

Dershowitz is, one must assume, unaware of the “Wife Guy” trend, whereby married men go viral for invoking their spouses in an awkward, preposterous or alarming manner; his contention that he couldn’t have had sex with a coerced minor because his wife was there hits all possible criteria for a “Wife Guy” comment while taking the meme to a sordid new low.

And how does his partner, Carolyn Cohen, feel about being invoked as an alibi here? Oh, if only we knew. With her PhD in clinical psychology, perhaps she might have observed how fucking weird it is.

Ah, well. It’s out there now, and Alan is officially the man who injected Wife Guy discourse into the horrifying Epstein saga. We wouldn’t expect anything less from 2020, I’m sure, but that doesn’t mean we have to like it. At best, it’s a welcome distraction from headlines like this one:

Maybe he could build out this strategy and stop exposing himself online, too?