Your memories of past Memorial Days are cloudy, but rosy. You congregated, barbecued, maintained an above-average blood alcohol concentration and woke up blistering crimson the next morning. But unless you plan on throwing caution about the coronavirus to the wind, there’ll be no congregating and no frolicking under the sun this Memorial Day.
You can, however, continue the tradition of testing your liver’s limits, and I’d argue that drinking at home is significantly safer, cheaper and more enjoyable than drinking outside, for the following reasons…
The Sun Is a Dick
I know, I know — the sun is central to all life on Earth. But too much sun can tip you from pleasantly intoxicated to comatose in the gutter. As BJ Fisher of the American Lifeguard Association previously warned us, “Sun and alcohol don’t mix. People don’t realize the sun amplifies whatever intoxication you’re experiencing. A large percentage of drownings involve alcohol, whether it’s a boating accident or a swimmer. Same with diving in shallow water.” Not only does it make you more dehydrated, but the heat mixed with the happy sauce can also increase your risk of heat stroke. Also, sunburns suck.
You’re Less Likely to Die
As Fisher just suggested, being wasted encourages you to do stupid stuff, and unless you live in a torture chamber, there are more dangers outside than inside. For instance, as I explained in my ode to drunkenly running home from the bar, “Belligerently drunk pedestrians are, statistically speaking, significantly prone to being hit and killed by cars, presumably because they get so drunk that they wander into the street, or drunkenly decide to risk dashing across busy highways.” Besides getting in a boating accident or being run over by a minivan, you may also stumble into a cactus, fall into a manhole, get bit by an angry sea lion — the list goes on. Point is, while you can certainly drunkenly injure yourself indoors, it’s much more likely to happen outdoors.
You’re Less Likely to Get Arrested
In almost every situation — but especially when you’re reaching an Andre-the-Giant level of drunkenness — staying inside your goddamn house is less likely to result in you being tossed in the drunk tank than when romping around outdoors. Plain and simple.
You Have Immediate Access to Basic Amenities
One of the constant troubles of being drunk in public is finding a usable, not entirely rancid bathroom. But as Leah, a bartender in San Francisco, explains, “You should always have a bathroom to use if you’re inside, which should always have toilet paper, soap and paper towels (or at least something to dry your hands with).”
Being inside, you should also have immediate access to water, the holy nectar of hangover prevention, “although, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink it,” Leah notes (touché). Britt, a former Deep Eddy vodka employee who can drink almost anyone under the table, adds, “If the mood strikes, you can make a Hot Pocket in like, three minutes and 30 seconds.” And while you wait for it to stop being molten, he adds that being indoors allows you more control over your drinking soundtrack (and the air conditioning) than being outdoors, which is yet another win.
Lastly, Sydney, a bartending school graduate who’s been passing time in quarantine by drinking wine and livestreaming Mortal Kombat on Twitch, says, “If you get too loose, your bed is just steps away.”
There Are Fewer Creeps
“Something I face when I’m drinking at a park is weirdos coming up to ask for stuff or just being weird, which you don’t get as much of if you’re inside,” Leah says. Sydney adds, “I’m safe indoors and don’t have to worry about suspect dudes trying to get my number.” Yeah, people suck!
You Can Wear (Or Not Wear) Whatever You Want
As Britt says, “You can wear cozy socks without worrying that they’ll get dirty.” Which, yeah, you could do that. But you could also wear sweatpants, wrap yourself in a gigantic comforter or don your party suit — whatever, man, it’s your home, and you have no one to impress.
It’s Cheaper and Just Plain Easier
Obviously, beer gardens and the like upcharge their booze, whereas Sydney says, “I don’t have to pay to go anywhere or pay for drinks inside, other than what I bought for the house.” She adds that indoor drinking “just seems more enjoyable to me. I despise going out to do nightlife stuff, because there are always so many factors involved, but keeping it indoors eliminates a lot of that.”
Again, drinking from the comfort of your home requires no Ubers, no dressing up and no changing plans to search for that one drunk friend who ran off somewhere, all of which make for a simpler, more relaxing drinking experience.
Hey, even if you miss the outdoors, the bars and the friends this Memorial Day, you can at least try to recreate some of that inside, too.
Ian Lecklitner
Ian Lecklitner is a staff writer at MEL Magazine. He mostly writes about everyone's favorite things: Sex, drugs and food.
